Should I tell my Mum that her new partner is controlling?

[jesusandjollof]

My Mum has a new partner. They've been dating for a couple of months, and she's seemed very happy, and I was genuinely pleased for her, as I know she longs for companionship.
However, I finally met him last week (staying with Mum for a couple of weeks as we hadn't seen her for almost a year), and I am really concerned. He's clearly love-bombing her, in my opinion (and her best friend's, we spoke yesterday). They don't live together, but he has come over every day, often unexpectedly, so I've not been able to spend any one-on-one time with my Mum. She asked him to come less often so she can spend some alone time with me and her grandkids, and he said it's not fair to push him out because we're around.
I've noticed in general that he can be controlling (too many little instances to list) and doesn't respect boundaries, and her best friend has seen it too. I'm cutting my stay short because I can't bear to be around him any longer. She did say, 'it's because he's always here, isn't it?' I only told her that I'm happy for her, but he's still a stranger to me, and I can't spend every day with him, it's a bit much. She said she was sad that I'm 'taking her grandkids away', but I'll be staying nearby, so she can visit (every day if she wants to) whilst we're in town.

He called during her lunch break today (she was WFH); if he's not physically present, he video calls constantly; he complained about me because I didn't let him take my kids alone to the park yesterday. I could hear my Mum saying, 'well, she's just met you, any parent would do the same'. But she kept apologising profusely and reassuring him that she trusts him and loves him. The conversation was weird, manipulative and intense. She walked past me shortly after with tears in her eyes. I asked if she was okay, and she said, 'oh yes, just my manager stressing me out' - she didn't know I eavesdropped overheard.

I don't know what to do. I want to speak up. I considered just sending her a link to the definition of love bombing. My husband says if I say anything to her, it will look like I'm just jealous that her relationship means I get less time with her (I'm not) and that I have to wait for the 'right time'. But surely there's no right time to tell someone you love that you are worried they are in an abusive relationship. He also said she's a grown up and I should leave her to it. On one hand, this makes sense, but she's my Mum - it feels wrong to be this worried (I can't sleep!) and not say anything.

Does anyone have any advice?

I hope it worked out OP.
You sound like a great daughter.

He also said she's a grown up and I should leave her to it.

DH is a right charmer, isn't he?

Everything you wrote in your OP was alarming. This bloke is a boundary-pusher & power player. The tantrum about not being able to take your kids to the park solo shows he is also looking to groom DM's family members into submitting to his whims without question.

Of course you can't just sit back.
But DM is already deflecting & minimising your concern - e.g. passing off the tears in her eyes as due to her boss, not her b/f.
So you will need to tread carefully, making sure you don't push her further into his control - because he has noted your non-compliance, & will seek to isolate DM from you if he can.

He sounds bloody horrible. All you can do is calmly tell DM your worries, & make sure she knows that you are on her team. That may include sucking up the displeasure of his company, but that's the price you'd need to pay to prevent her from being isolated from you.

Could you & DM's best pal talk to DM jointly? Very low-key, not like some kind of intervention ... but create an opportunity to get her out somewhere away from Mr Overbearing, & tell her how worrying his behaviour is?

Jeez this sounds like the guy my mum was with for years. First he lovebombed mum, then he stayed every weekend when we barely knew him, he wormed his way in to the family home under a year (parents were divorced) very quickly, bear in mind we were young female teens!! Then it started with not being able to have conversations with mum alone, then no talking to other family, awful awful he was a total abusive nightmare that ruined our teenage years. Good on you for sticking up for your mum, keep doing it. Also don’t let the guy take your kids anywhere alone ever, his insistence on that is worrying. Hope your DM is ok.

If I were you i'd link your mum to this post.

And I wouldn't bother sugarcoating that you think he is batshit. Because he is, batshit. And a danger to her.

@QueenBee52 thanks for remembering this. Sadly she's still with him, and quite distant from everyone else. I'm at a loss for what to do at this point. I'm just hoping it's a phase and she gets rid of him soon. She won't hear a word against him, so everyone has resolved to just not mention him at all when she does get in touch.
For me personally, it's been tough. I miss speaking to her every day, but I'm also quite angry that she's willing to jeopardise her relationships with her children, siblings and friends for this idiot.
But it's not about me. Truly I hope for her sake she sees the light soon.

Oh Op, that's rotten for you. Hope she does see sense soon.

I'm sorry to hear that... she will regret this