Should I tell my Mum that her new partner is controlling?

[jesusandjollof]

My Mum has a new partner. They've been dating for a couple of months, and she's seemed very happy, and I was genuinely pleased for her, as I know she longs for companionship.
However, I finally met him last week (staying with Mum for a couple of weeks as we hadn't seen her for almost a year), and I am really concerned. He's clearly love-bombing her, in my opinion (and her best friend's, we spoke yesterday). They don't live together, but he has come over every day, often unexpectedly, so I've not been able to spend any one-on-one time with my Mum. She asked him to come less often so she can spend some alone time with me and her grandkids, and he said it's not fair to push him out because we're around.
I've noticed in general that he can be controlling (too many little instances to list) and doesn't respect boundaries, and her best friend has seen it too. I'm cutting my stay short because I can't bear to be around him any longer. She did say, 'it's because he's always here, isn't it?' I only told her that I'm happy for her, but he's still a stranger to me, and I can't spend every day with him, it's a bit much. She said she was sad that I'm 'taking her grandkids away', but I'll be staying nearby, so she can visit (every day if she wants to) whilst we're in town.

He called during her lunch break today (she was WFH); if he's not physically present, he video calls constantly; he complained about me because I didn't let him take my kids alone to the park yesterday. I could hear my Mum saying, 'well, she's just met you, any parent would do the same'. But she kept apologising profusely and reassuring him that she trusts him and loves him. The conversation was weird, manipulative and intense. She walked past me shortly after with tears in her eyes. I asked if she was okay, and she said, 'oh yes, just my manager stressing me out' - she didn't know I eavesdropped overheard.

I don't know what to do. I want to speak up. I considered just sending her a link to the definition of love bombing. My husband says if I say anything to her, it will look like I'm just jealous that her relationship means I get less time with her (I'm not) and that I have to wait for the 'right time'. But surely there's no right time to tell someone you love that you are worried they are in an abusive relationship. He also said she's a grown up and I should leave her to it. On one hand, this makes sense, but she's my Mum - it feels wrong to be this worried (I can't sleep!) and not say anything.

Does anyone have any advice?

Just checked, it is Clare's Law. I dont know how to do links on here but google it op. You can basically request information on him, if he has any record of domestic abuse etc and I think they then would inform your mum if they found anything of concern. I'm not 100% sure of how it works, maybe someone else here can explain it a bit better.

I note that your mother longs for companionship; he targeted that vulnerability within her deliberately.

He is abusive and has more red flags than are present at a Communist Party Committee meeting.

Both your mother's best friend and you need to speak up now and end this relationship in which her boundaries are further being trashed. She also needs to be encouraged to enrol herself onto Freedom Programme; this can be done online. I would also talk to her about the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that?".

Keep seeing your mother and do not let this man at all isolate her from any of you people. This is what he wants; to get her on her own and to make her dependent fully on him emotionally.

www.verywellmind.com/how-to-help-a-victim-of-domestic-violence-66533

This is a v good article which you might find helpful to plan your approach.

Your mum will soon tire of his ways, / neediness.,!! Does sound like he is getting his feet under the table tho so to speak,!!

Tell her you want to talk about your period problems, hoping he's the sort of man who shrivels at the mention of women's problems. Then really make it clear how concerned you are. Any decent guy would go home and let her have time with her family she hasn't seen for a year. She mustn't let him move in, does she own the house.

At the very least talk to her friend again and dont let him isolate you both. Id also talk to dickface to let him know you know his game, nevermind english decorum.

Did I read this correctly - in your first post you said that he wanted to take your children to the park on his own??

In addition to what you say, this is troubling.

I left a controlling relationship when DD was younger. I have not had another relationship since then. I would 100% want her to tell me if she had any concerns about a new partner because the ex already did enough damage to us.
You are coming from a good place and I hope your mum will be receptive to your concerns.

Yes him wanting to take your DC to the park alone is troubling.

Perhaps this week will make her realise how bad he is, she’s already losing contact with her friend. Please talk to her OP.

That is really awful and I can see why you're concerned. Like the previous poster, katysun, my children's father is very controlling and I left and have been single ever since (the odd fleeting McRelationship that's all)

I think a few well-timed questions like ''how do you feel about that?'' and ''did that feel like the right decision for you ?'' ''and did you have a strong feeling about what was the right thing to do here?'' ''what's your opinion?'', ''what's your preference?''. Those questions might make her feel really uncomfortable though. Perhaps she hasn't even explored that side of herself so go easy on them. Being forced to pull who you are out of a bag suddenly when you've spent a life time suppressing it isn't comfortable.

It's really hard because I was in an abusive relationship once and I know that I just wasn't brave enough to draw a line, to be on my own, to be ''seen'' as still single. I got in too deeply because I wanted a break from being single

I thought it was different for other people. That they could leave. But that I was the type who couldn't leave. I thought I was ''the type'' for whom it would be pointless to leave. ie, that nothing good would happen even if I did leave.

Are there any things you and she do together that she would enjoy? Yoga? Art classes? You could tell her you want to do it. You know she's in trouble when he won't allow her to do it :-(

But it might be useful to her to see it in black and white. ie, ''i want to go to yoga (example) with my dd and he is sulking?!''

The sooner she sees him for who he is the better. So, don't slag him off at all but subtly reinforce that she 's in a good phase of her life, she has income, family, freedom, she can make decisions............

I think showing her that article would validate any belief she may want to hold on to that her daughter and friend are over reacting.
She might read it and think, but I"m not being hit!

(they don't live together so abusers are rarely stupid enough to get aggressive or threatening with their partners before they move in)

An article about the first signs of co-ercive control might be good though.

this is a good list

He has definitely got an ulterior motive. Maybe he thinks your mum has money or he is a predator.

I would tell her but be around alot. I would ask her friend to do so to. Before you know it he will have moved in.

@Justilou1

I’d be trying to find out as much about his living and financial/work situation as possible. I bet all his exes are psychos too. Does he have kids he never sees? He sounds like a textbook cocklodger in the making.

This. I bet there will be a story about how he doesn't speak to his family but it's all their fault.

Very carefully raising your concerns earlier is better than later, before it's gone on a while and he's pushing to move in.

Just wanted to chip in here - I am widowed and live alone. I feel very vulnerable because I often feel very lonely and find it very hard to adapt to a single life - especially as the world is set up for couples in so many ways.

She is likely to be vulnerable in the same way, but in the end she is a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. I am not sure how I would feel if my AC expressed concerns about my ability to make my own decisions about who I associate with.

Don't forget that if you succeed in putting her off this man, then she is once again on her own - and she may not want that. She has to balance the pros and cons; and no relationship is perfect. It is not surprising that she is seeing less of her friends now that she has a new man in her life.

You are a good daughter to care - but I do think you need to read carefully in how you manage this situation. Their may be lesser evils involved.

@Mischance

Just wanted to chip in here - I am widowed and live alone. I feel very vulnerable because I often feel very lonely and find it very hard to adapt to a single life - especially as the world is set up for couples in so many ways.

She is likely to be vulnerable in the same way, but in the end she is a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. I am not sure how I would feel if my AC expressed concerns about my ability to make my own decisions about who I associate with.

Don't forget that if you succeed in putting her off this man, then she is once again on her own - and she may not want that. She has to balance the pros and cons; and no relationship is perfect. It is not surprising that she is seeing less of her friends now that she has a new man in her life.

You are a good daughter to care - but I do think you need to read carefully in how you manage this situation. Their may be lesser evils involved.

With respect, I think that you haven’t read the many posters who are warning the OP against this man, and to trust her instinct that he is controlling- if not worse.

You can try talking to her, but she knows why you've left...... and hasn't done anything to stop it.

Please say something.

If we had understood a bit more about controlling men and seen exactly what our son in law did, we would have spoken up long before she finally left. You've seen this for yourself and I agree that it's looking very bad. It sounds like your mum might be open to a talk about this too.

There are loads of resources out there too (books and youtube videos) that might help.

Sounds to me as if your Mum is picking up all the red flags for herself and is well on the way to the exit door.

Probably the best thing you can do is say wte " I can see you're not entirely comfortable with him, Mum. I know how badly you wanted to find someone nice but he's not the only fish in the sea.

Always remember we love you , call me.".

@Mischance

Just wanted to chip in here - I am widowed and live alone. I feel very vulnerable because I often feel very lonely and find it very hard to adapt to a single life - especially as the world is set up for couples in so many ways.

She is likely to be vulnerable in the same way, but in the end she is a grown adult and has to make her own decisions. I am not sure how I would feel if my AC expressed concerns about my ability to make my own decisions about who I associate with.

Don't forget that if you succeed in putting her off this man, then she is once again on her own - and she may not want that. She has to balance the pros and cons; and no relationship is perfect. It is not surprising that she is seeing less of her friends now that she has a new man in her life.

You are a good daughter to care - but I do think you need to read carefully in how you manage this situation. Their may be lesser evils involved.

I'm don't agree with this at all, for many reasons.

Being with a controlling, abusive man is NEVER better than being on your own. You are either ignorant or seriously downplaying how bad this is.

Also, it was only when we told our daughter how bad one incident we had seen was that she finally opened up and we validated her own thoughts and feelings. She knew she wasn't alone. That is really important. Vulnerable people doubt themselves, especially when they are with controlling men.

Hi OP. I've seen this with one of my parent's. It's my Dad not my Mom but the same in terms of a toxic partner.

The problem is that they would rather be with someone than be alone. Although in her case maybe there's hope as it's only two months in.

There isn't much you can do other than try and be there for her and also her friend. Hopefully she comes to her senses. It is horrible to watch at times at close quarters.

We didn't speak up about MILs second husband. I pointed out to DH that if DD was been in a similar relationship we would have told her to run for the hills.

Not sure if you would be able to request disclosure under Clare's Law; I think your mum would have to apply for this. However because he as your mum's partner has contact with your kids, you should be able to apply for disclosure under Sarah's Law instead: www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/. I would do this regardless of his behaviour towards your mum; the fact he wants to take your kids to the park by himself definitely sets alarm bells ringing.

Sorry, correction: You CAN make a Clare's Law application, the police would share the outcome, if any, with your mum: www.herts.police.uk/Apply/Clares-Law.