Should I tell my Mum that her new partner is controlling?

[jesusandjollof]

My Mum has a new partner. They've been dating for a couple of months, and she's seemed very happy, and I was genuinely pleased for her, as I know she longs for companionship.
However, I finally met him last week (staying with Mum for a couple of weeks as we hadn't seen her for almost a year), and I am really concerned. He's clearly love-bombing her, in my opinion (and her best friend's, we spoke yesterday). They don't live together, but he has come over every day, often unexpectedly, so I've not been able to spend any one-on-one time with my Mum. She asked him to come less often so she can spend some alone time with me and her grandkids, and he said it's not fair to push him out because we're around.
I've noticed in general that he can be controlling (too many little instances to list) and doesn't respect boundaries, and her best friend has seen it too. I'm cutting my stay short because I can't bear to be around him any longer. She did say, 'it's because he's always here, isn't it?' I only told her that I'm happy for her, but he's still a stranger to me, and I can't spend every day with him, it's a bit much. She said she was sad that I'm 'taking her grandkids away', but I'll be staying nearby, so she can visit (every day if she wants to) whilst we're in town.

He called during her lunch break today (she was WFH); if he's not physically present, he video calls constantly; he complained about me because I didn't let him take my kids alone to the park yesterday. I could hear my Mum saying, 'well, she's just met you, any parent would do the same'. But she kept apologising profusely and reassuring him that she trusts him and loves him. The conversation was weird, manipulative and intense. She walked past me shortly after with tears in her eyes. I asked if she was okay, and she said, 'oh yes, just my manager stressing me out' - she didn't know I eavesdropped overheard.

I don't know what to do. I want to speak up. I considered just sending her a link to the definition of love bombing. My husband says if I say anything to her, it will look like I'm just jealous that her relationship means I get less time with her (I'm not) and that I have to wait for the 'right time'. But surely there's no right time to tell someone you love that you are worried they are in an abusive relationship. He also said she's a grown up and I should leave her to it. On one hand, this makes sense, but she's my Mum - it feels wrong to be this worried (I can't sleep!) and not say anything.

Does anyone have any advice?

@2bazookas

Sounds to me as if your Mum is picking up all the red flags for herself and is well on the way to the exit door.

Probably the best thing you can do is say wte " I can see you're not entirely comfortable with him, Mum. I know how badly you wanted to find someone nice but he's not the only fish in the sea.

Always remember we love you , call me.".

That's a good way of approaching it. We know you know you deserve better

@grumpy21

Not sure if you would be able to request disclosure under Clare's Law; I think your mum would have to apply for this. However because he as your mum's partner has contact with your kids, you should be able to apply for disclosure under Sarah's Law instead: www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law-beta/sarahs-law-child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/. I would do this regardless of his behaviour towards your mum; the fact he wants to take your kids to the park by himself definitely sets alarm bells ringing.

Perhaps apply under both, cover all bases, so to speak.

I'd be worried too, with all the red flags. But getting upset he wasn't allowed to take the children to the park alone when the relationship with OP's mum is only a couple of months old, was concerning.

Either he wanted access to the children, or he knew OP wouldn't allow it, and used this to drive a wedge in between OP and her mum.

I'm glad your mum has got you looking out for her. I hope you talk goes well.

Her new partner sounds awful. 🚩

How did the taking kids he's only just met to the park alone conversation go? What was his reason for not inviting you and/or your mum along? How concerning.
Keep a close eye on your kids when he is around.
No idea how to broach with your Mum but maybe start with wondering how happy he makes her and she can always turn to you for help. Offer her to come stay with you maybe.

Thanks for all the advice and the links posted. Sorry I can’t tag everyone but I am grateful. I’ve been doing some digging and I am sure that he’s bad news. I will talk to her and come back and update. Just really hope she’s receptive as she does seem happy with him.

A very easy check is to google ''his name convicted''.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't think you can leave your kids with her, she can no longer be trusted to say no to him.

@Thelnebriati

A very easy check is to google ''his name convicted''.

I'm sorry to say this but I don't think you can leave your kids with her, she can no longer be trusted to say no to him.

Whats this?

That must be so worrying and it's awful that her friend and you are being pushed out by him.

I'd try to get her to come and stay with you for a while if that's possible.

Your mum will tell you that it is all in the past and he has turned over a new leaf

Bloody hell, tell her. It drives me nuts when people tell others to keep quiet so because it might be seen as jealousy or infantilising etc.

She's your mum, get her told. What she chooses to do after is her own decision, and it might not be something you like, but you can at least be sure you said something.

It might be worth getting some examples of your concerns before talking to her.

Yes, your main aim now is to prevent him moving in. I also wouldn't leave and would tell him face to face to go home as you are here to see your mum alone. I wouldn't be polite. I'd stand up for myself. I would be so bloody angry.

I’m really pleased that you are empowering yourself with the information you need to make the decision for yourself in an intelligent, reasoned way. I think that moving to an area where you don’t HAVE to drive is a great idea if you can, and also not living with the stress and the work might improve your overall health also. (Not that I am presuming to know what your health issues are.) Being able to sleep soundly at night, and move about your own space without fear can’t be a bad thing. Perhaps it would also be good for DS and DH to learn to do their own cooking, shopping, laundry and cleaning. It won’t be to your standard, but it will eventually be done.

Whoops! I backtracked too far! Wrong thread!!!

Thanks for all the advice last weekend. I spoke to my Mum. She took it well and initially said she'd end the relationship, as she had noticed he was controlling. She backtracked after a few days and said she felt I'd infantilised her (someone mentioned this upthread), and that she'll continue seeing him for now, but with improved boundaries. Our conversation made her reflect, at least, and she asked other family members and friends of hers who'd met him, if they thought he was controlling, everyone said, 'YES!!!' (there were lots of concerns), but hadn't felt that they could tell her. I can only hope for the best outcome.

That’s a really good outcome for now. You obviously handled that well. The seed is set and the opinions are unanimous all out in the open. That’s really a great start.

Can you say to your mum that her friend has told you that she is concerned that they are not so close any longer and you are worried that the same could happen to you, as this man seems to want to monopolise her. Then leave her to think about it.

Well done Op and fingers crossed.

Well done OP, lines of communication still open, but she's aware.

That’s probably the best outcome you could hope for at this stage OP. I’ve been on a similar situation with a sibling. It’s so tough. Now you’ve voiced your concerns, you just have to hang in there and keep the door open.

Hi OP
Your mum’s new partner could be my ex!
I’m glad your mum kind of listened to you. It’s very hard, when you’re in a controlling relationship, to rationalise and see what’s really going on. When someone is so nice to you to start with, you can’t believe they would ever intentionally hurt you. And then when they do, it’s somehow your own fault. Your thoughts and responses become very fuzzy. It’s like everything is blurry, if that makes sense. I hope she is able to see the true him sooner rather than later.

@jesusandjollof

how is your Mum OP 🌸

This was really worrying. I hope your mum has separated from him now, @jesusandjollof.

God, we went through exactly this with my mum. He was the most awful man. the worst bit was that he was an abusive bastard whenever he drank whisky.

He told my mum that if he won the lottery he'd buy the house next door to his ex just to harrass her. I told her then to listen up. She didn't.

We had an awful time trying to extract her from him when she eventually saw the light. It's a long, horrible story, but he didn't stop low level harrassing her until he died.

He found out where she'd moved to and would hire vans to knock down the front wall of the garden, he'd sit outside the cafe where she worked, just staring at her and loads more things.

Hope she got out before it all got too much.

I’m always very suspicious of guys that want to take kids to the park alone when they aren’t the parent - especially when you know Jack shit about them . I don’t like the sound of this bloke one bit