Is your DP like this and if so how do you deal with it?

[Treeeetys]

I’m early 30s he’s late 30s. He has a good job. I actually earn more than him but likely to change soon. Only add for context that I also have a hard job.

He will go through phases where he will seemingly cut me and friends and family out when in a busy patch. He said he’s always done it, it’s why relationships have failed etc so he is aware of it.

At the start he made more compromises presumably because he was trying to impress me and things are always a bit like that at the beginning aren’t they... but now we are in the relationship, he will randomly say I can’t see you for ten days as I’m working on a pitch or I’m preparing for an appraisal etc. Or I’m writing a paper. It can literally be anything and he locks himself away, no proper breaks. I was suspicious initially and actually thought he may have someone else on the go! Ashamed to say that on one occasion I called in ad hoc on my way home from work, only to find him dressed terribly, hair in disarray, clearly hasn’t eaten properly, and had been stuck in his room all day.

He’s in a new phase of this this week, because he has an appraisal on Friday. This has meant that my suggestion of dinner on Wednesday evening from 7-9 was completely crazy, there was no way he could do it. So I’ve not seen him at all this week. He is unsure if he can see me at the weekend as it depends whether the pitch is moved forwards... there’s talk that it MIGHT be, but at the moment whether or not we see each other depends on some random employee at another company. This infuriates/upsets me...surely you want to see your partner over a weekend even if it’s for a quick dinner or a walk? How can you possibly write off a whole week because you’re unsure when the pitch will be?!

I raised this with him the other day and he just broke down and said he’s always worked like this, he doesn’t know how to have a break when he’s got something coming up. As in he can’t relax, feels bad about doing anything other than thinking about what’s coming up. I asked what he would do if the pitch was brought forward to Friday...he said that would be good as he’d just get it done then. Which doesn’t make sense to me...he’s obviously done the prep by now to be ready by Friday but he is reluctant for us to meet before next week if the pitch ends up being next week?!

Before anyone says he’s having an affair etc, I know that’s possible but I am 99% sure it isn’t that. I call him at random when I’m driving home or in bed and he always answers, we have long chats. He is obsessed with working.

It is upsetting because in moments of clarity and calmness he will often say he knows what matters most, family friends and relationships, he doesn’t want to look back and have not cherished those things etc etc. But they’re just words aren’t they?

Would you put up with this? He’s a good man and he gets very stressed but I’m worried I’ve set a precedent by being too understanding for too long. I’ve just let him get on with things and accepted it but the last week has been so sunny and nice and I just think how can he do this again, cut us off and not even meet for a quick bloody pub dinner!

Anyone else have a DP like this? If so what do you do? I don’t know whether to try and get him to relax more and get him to see it’s ok to have a break in the middle of difficult or stressful work patches. But also part of me thinks for fucks sake you are the best part of 40 you should know better than to deal with stress like this. I work all hours and would never do this to family and friends.

@Fireflygal

I do tell my partners - yes. Hence I feel extra frustrated when (what I percieve) the neediness and demands start. OPs partner has also mentioned that it is a pattern that presents itself an always has done, resulting in breakups.
I ask for time out - I don't just drop anyone all of a sudden. However, I don't get the time out without guilting usually. That sucks and makes me abandon the relationships altogether. I think people accept my need for space in words only, when the situation actually presents itself, it's all about THEIR needs. I've had to listen that I don't love them, that I must be cheating and so on. It feels like emotional abuse to me.

I'm convinced there is no way forward if one person is hurt about not having a sit-down dinner together, but the other person would mentally ache if that dinner would be to go ahead.

I'm a single parent and do what I have to do. I have one child, would never have another one. But then you don't need to have ADHD traits to come to that decision.

OP,

the only thing I imagine getting near a solution, would be to see if there are other traits that fit in with those of ADHD, seeking diagnosis and trying the medication route.

I'm at the beginning of that journey myself, so can't vouch from own experience but ADHD responds positively to medication in most cases.

I hope to get to the point where I can emotionally multi-task. Obviously he has to be willing to do that for himself (same as with depression, anxiety and the like)

I agree with a PP - if this was how he worked and it was an established pattern that had served him well, that would be one thing. But it sounds like a cycle of panic, anxiety, isolation and guilt, which is far from ideal for him regardless of the impact it has on your relationship. Not only do you have the uncertainty of not knowing whether you actually have an accessible partner or not, but you can add in the stress of knowing that the person you love is not eating well or looking after themselves. Unfortunately, it seems as though you will just have to leave him to it OP.