Is your DP like this and if so how do you deal with it?

[Treeeetys]

I’m early 30s he’s late 30s. He has a good job. I actually earn more than him but likely to change soon. Only add for context that I also have a hard job.

He will go through phases where he will seemingly cut me and friends and family out when in a busy patch. He said he’s always done it, it’s why relationships have failed etc so he is aware of it.

At the start he made more compromises presumably because he was trying to impress me and things are always a bit like that at the beginning aren’t they... but now we are in the relationship, he will randomly say I can’t see you for ten days as I’m working on a pitch or I’m preparing for an appraisal etc. Or I’m writing a paper. It can literally be anything and he locks himself away, no proper breaks. I was suspicious initially and actually thought he may have someone else on the go! Ashamed to say that on one occasion I called in ad hoc on my way home from work, only to find him dressed terribly, hair in disarray, clearly hasn’t eaten properly, and had been stuck in his room all day.

He’s in a new phase of this this week, because he has an appraisal on Friday. This has meant that my suggestion of dinner on Wednesday evening from 7-9 was completely crazy, there was no way he could do it. So I’ve not seen him at all this week. He is unsure if he can see me at the weekend as it depends whether the pitch is moved forwards... there’s talk that it MIGHT be, but at the moment whether or not we see each other depends on some random employee at another company. This infuriates/upsets me...surely you want to see your partner over a weekend even if it’s for a quick dinner or a walk? How can you possibly write off a whole week because you’re unsure when the pitch will be?!

I raised this with him the other day and he just broke down and said he’s always worked like this, he doesn’t know how to have a break when he’s got something coming up. As in he can’t relax, feels bad about doing anything other than thinking about what’s coming up. I asked what he would do if the pitch was brought forward to Friday...he said that would be good as he’d just get it done then. Which doesn’t make sense to me...he’s obviously done the prep by now to be ready by Friday but he is reluctant for us to meet before next week if the pitch ends up being next week?!

Before anyone says he’s having an affair etc, I know that’s possible but I am 99% sure it isn’t that. I call him at random when I’m driving home or in bed and he always answers, we have long chats. He is obsessed with working.

It is upsetting because in moments of clarity and calmness he will often say he knows what matters most, family friends and relationships, he doesn’t want to look back and have not cherished those things etc etc. But they’re just words aren’t they?

Would you put up with this? He’s a good man and he gets very stressed but I’m worried I’ve set a precedent by being too understanding for too long. I’ve just let him get on with things and accepted it but the last week has been so sunny and nice and I just think how can he do this again, cut us off and not even meet for a quick bloody pub dinner!

Anyone else have a DP like this? If so what do you do? I don’t know whether to try and get him to relax more and get him to see it’s ok to have a break in the middle of difficult or stressful work patches. But also part of me thinks for fucks sake you are the best part of 40 you should know better than to deal with stress like this. I work all hours and would never do this to family and friends.

@BrassHeart

Why can't you accept that he just needs that time to focus on something other than you?

@BrassHeart I can accept he needs time to focus on something other than me. I regularly accept that. I think having random blocks of a couple of weeks here and there without any in person contact isn’t really sustainable or reasonable in a relationship simply because you may or may not have a pitch coming up, that is already in the main prepared for. I can compromise and be ok with a few days etc but weeks at a time seems absurd and disproportionate. He is also struggling and is often tearful about how he doesn’t have other time to do anything... this is simply not the case. He gets himself into a complete state and it is unhealthy.

It’s not about me needing attention from him, it’s about trying to maintain contact in a relationship.

@Fireflygal that is my concern. I understand why he does what he does - I did it throughout my twenties and lost friends in the process, missed many nice events etc. Of course you have to make some sacrifices for your career. But a year off forty... he surely needs to wake up a bit. I hardly ask for a lot of time - I even suggested I cook one night and we had two hours together. That wasn’t ok either, not even 2 hours in ten days

@minipie

It depends how often this happens really.

Couple of times a year, fine.

Every week or two not fine.

@minipie every 6 weeks or so.

@LemonRoses

My husband is a bit like this - it has served us well over the years and put us in a very good position as the children enter adulthood and we enter retirement. It was about compromise and looking to longer term. For me, it depends whether there is good, engaged time with the family to balance I'd much prefer a hardworking, good provider than an indolent charmer.

@LemonRoses I completely agree with this. I would be fine with a quick half hour dinner, ten minute chat before bed etc. But absolutely cutting me off in person for weeks at a time seems unsustainable

@PomPomSugar

I do this. It’s ADHD/hyper focusing.

What’s the answer? Put up with it or leave him?

I honestly do my best to give him all the space he needs but I feel like I have a relationship one week and then no relationship the next.

@Elbels

I've spoken to my live in partner probably for an hour in total over the past 5 days because of our workloads. It's not ideal but I'm aware it will pass.

@Elbels but you’re in the same place, share the same bed etc. There’s continuity of the relationship

Your own needs and wants are not being met in this relationship. He clearly isn’t going to change-this is who he is. Are you ok putting up with it? I know I wouldn’t be. Imagine living with him-how do you think he would react to not being able to retreat from you the way he chooses to now? Not well I imagine. And what about if you had kids (not to assume you can or want to) - would be just opt out of parenting while he indulges himself in his all consuming job? Do no move forward with this man on an assumption that he would change when those things happen. The overwhelming likelihood is that he wouldn’t.

Value yourself highly, ask yourself if this is good enough for you to spend your time and effort in this relationship. You’re currently hanging around for the scraps he chooses to give you after he has focussed fully on his job. It’s a no from me.

I'm like that tbh. It's not about not caring about the other person.
I'm married and I need to lock myself away regularly. Luckily my husband is also someone who needs a lot of space.

It's not a question of him being unreasonable or you being unreasonable. You both have a set of needs and preferences that are equally valid and equally important.
It's a question of compatibility. Neither of you are wrong. If my husband was someone who needed to see me all the time I'd go nuts. If I was someone who talked a lot, he'd struggle.

You have to be happy. Both of you do. I don't think you're someone who could genuinely enjoy a relationship with gaps where you do your own thing for a week or two. And there's nothing wrong with that

I guess what I'm saying is that through nobody's fault, this relationship can't work because only one of you can be happy. The other has to give up something that is so important to them in order to stay in the relationship.

I can accept he needs time to focus on something other than me. I regularly accept that. I think having random blocks of a couple of weeks here and there without any in person contact isn’t really sustainable or reasonable in a relationship simply because you may or may not have a pitch coming up, that is already in the main prepared for. I can compromise and be ok with a few days etc but weeks at a time seems absurd and disproportionate. He is also struggling and is often tearful about how he doesn’t have other time to do anything... this is simply not the case. He gets himself into a complete state and it is unhealthy.

It’s not about me needing attention from him, it’s about trying to maintain contact in a relationship

In that case, it maybe that the relationship just isn't sustainable in the long term. I know that i couldn't change the way I am (it's probably a week every 6 weeks or so for me too) even if I really wanted to.

You want him to change; he wants you to accept him as he is.

It's not a flaw of yours or his that you operate differently. You're just different.

I don't think it's right to live like this. Of course there are times when work has to take priority but that's different to cutting off your partner completely, for large chunks of time. Relationships have to be maintained to be successful - having a quick meal or a chat is important.
What happens if the OP has a crisis of her own during his busy periods? Or they one day have DC, who should not have to accept no contact with their dad. OP might not want or have the ability to parent alone when he is busy with work.
I'd not stay in this relationship

Are you the same poster that has mentioned this before?

For me, it doesn't matter how common it is or whether other posters don't understand why you're not willing to put up with it. It's ultimately about the fact you're not happy. Are you willing to live like this for the next 30 years?

It’s just frustrating as a quick half hour coffee or walk would be fine. He literally is unwilling to compromise at all.

@Treeeetys

It’s just frustrating as a quick half hour coffee or walk would be fine. He literally is unwilling to compromise at all.

It's not though, is it? It's the mental load that goes with stopping what you are doing and switching off, and getting ready and going out.

And all for the sake of half an hour?

I'm actually baffled that you can't see how unreasonable you're being but I suspect you feel the same about my position!

Neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. But you are incompatible in tus respect.

@BrassHeart i think your position is really unreasonable 😂 I do see that stopping and starting work is stressful and unnecessary, maybe even more so for the sake of an hour. I just don’t see how that is sustainable when you want to build a life with someone. Perhaps he actually doesn’t want to do that with me!

I’d be quite worried about him, to be honest - I definitely get in the hyper focusing zone when I have certain things on at work (like, a job interview - not just business as usual meetings, even stressful ones) but it wouldn’t be to the detriment of eating, showering etc and lead to getting upset. He sounds like he needs some help. With that being said, I wouldn’t want to be the one to help him when he’s just a boyfriend, and this relationship wouldn’t be enough for me.

Imagine what your life with him would be like if you were married/cohabiting and had children. Would he change his behaviour then? I doubt it.

I wouldn't put up with someone who constantly put family and relationships so low down their list of priorities.

If he does this every 6 weeks or so then I can’t see you sustaining this relationship at all. It’s just not compatible to you or probably for many women quite frankly. I had a relationship where he hyper focused. I tried for 18 months then gave up as my needs weren’t met. I also have a tendency to hyper focus but not every 6 weeks!

Could you get him to see someone about time management?

@layladomino

I don't think I could live like that. Me and DH both have demanding jobs, but we know that people are more important and deserve as much nurturing if not more.

I disagree that you should be able to just focus on the job and social life / fun / people will still be there when the deadline is passed - I have seen too often when people assume that (and ofcourse there is always the next deadline, and the next, and the next...) then one day they realise the other stuff is no longer an option. Relationships have floundered, friendships lost, opportunities missed.

It's great to have a job you're committed to and are happy to immerse yourself in. But if that is to the detriment of the rest of life then that's quite sad.

Of course that is everyone's choice, but it isn't fair to bring other people in to that. I think your bf has to decide - does he want to act like a bf or not? He can't expect you to hang around in the background to be picked up and dropped when it suits. It seems his work is all-consuming, all the time, and I would leave before it consumes you too.

I agree with this. The last 18 months have been hell on wheels in my job because it's related to the pandemic response, but I've still made time for my DH and family because ultimately people are more important.

Also, it sounds as though he could do with reviewing his organisational skills. Preparation for an appraisal, either his own or his team's, shouldn't need him to lock himself away for days on end to prepare for it, if he were more organised throughout the year/half year and gathered his evidence etc as he goes. I've carried out meaningful, well-prepared appraisals for large teams of direct reports without having to excuse myself from everyday life for days at a time.

I echo the others who say do not have children with this man unless you're prepared to be a single parent every time a project crops up.

I do this both at work and in law school. I need to focus and shut everything else off. I have approx. 2 months yearly when I have to do this - 1 in winter 1 in summer. Dh supports me a lot through these period of times but I am aware I won't be able to do this once we have children.

You've been posting about this bloke, month month out for ages now

*month in

Come on, op. You know this relationship is never going to work. He is emotionally unavailable, completely inflexible, and unwilling to compromise, ever. No relationship can weather traits like this. Imagine having children with him - what a fucking nightmare.

Stop wasting your time already.

Would you put up with this?
I do understand some other people would accept this, but it wouldn't be what I was looking for in a relationship. I'd be off - I'd be sad things weren't different, sure, but I'd be off.