Is your DP like this and if so how do you deal with it?

[Treeeetys]

I’m early 30s he’s late 30s. He has a good job. I actually earn more than him but likely to change soon. Only add for context that I also have a hard job.

He will go through phases where he will seemingly cut me and friends and family out when in a busy patch. He said he’s always done it, it’s why relationships have failed etc so he is aware of it.

At the start he made more compromises presumably because he was trying to impress me and things are always a bit like that at the beginning aren’t they... but now we are in the relationship, he will randomly say I can’t see you for ten days as I’m working on a pitch or I’m preparing for an appraisal etc. Or I’m writing a paper. It can literally be anything and he locks himself away, no proper breaks. I was suspicious initially and actually thought he may have someone else on the go! Ashamed to say that on one occasion I called in ad hoc on my way home from work, only to find him dressed terribly, hair in disarray, clearly hasn’t eaten properly, and had been stuck in his room all day.

He’s in a new phase of this this week, because he has an appraisal on Friday. This has meant that my suggestion of dinner on Wednesday evening from 7-9 was completely crazy, there was no way he could do it. So I’ve not seen him at all this week. He is unsure if he can see me at the weekend as it depends whether the pitch is moved forwards... there’s talk that it MIGHT be, but at the moment whether or not we see each other depends on some random employee at another company. This infuriates/upsets me...surely you want to see your partner over a weekend even if it’s for a quick dinner or a walk? How can you possibly write off a whole week because you’re unsure when the pitch will be?!

I raised this with him the other day and he just broke down and said he’s always worked like this, he doesn’t know how to have a break when he’s got something coming up. As in he can’t relax, feels bad about doing anything other than thinking about what’s coming up. I asked what he would do if the pitch was brought forward to Friday...he said that would be good as he’d just get it done then. Which doesn’t make sense to me...he’s obviously done the prep by now to be ready by Friday but he is reluctant for us to meet before next week if the pitch ends up being next week?!

Before anyone says he’s having an affair etc, I know that’s possible but I am 99% sure it isn’t that. I call him at random when I’m driving home or in bed and he always answers, we have long chats. He is obsessed with working.

It is upsetting because in moments of clarity and calmness he will often say he knows what matters most, family friends and relationships, he doesn’t want to look back and have not cherished those things etc etc. But they’re just words aren’t they?

Would you put up with this? He’s a good man and he gets very stressed but I’m worried I’ve set a precedent by being too understanding for too long. I’ve just let him get on with things and accepted it but the last week has been so sunny and nice and I just think how can he do this again, cut us off and not even meet for a quick bloody pub dinner!

Anyone else have a DP like this? If so what do you do? I don’t know whether to try and get him to relax more and get him to see it’s ok to have a break in the middle of difficult or stressful work patches. But also part of me thinks for fucks sake you are the best part of 40 you should know better than to deal with stress like this. I work all hours and would never do this to family and friends.

[quote Treeeetys]@Fireflygal that is my concern. I understand why he does what he does - I did it throughout my twenties and lost friends in the process, missed many nice events etc. Of course you have to make some sacrifices for your career. But a year off forty... he surely needs to wake up a bit. I hardly ask for a lot of time - I even suggested I cook one night and we had two hours together. That wasn’t ok either, not even 2 hours in ten days[/quote]
I think you are being a bit needy to be honest. He's set a boundary and work can be really stressful, I totally understand his approach.

If you lived together this would be easier on both of you because you could spend time together spontaneously when both of you are available. If he plans a walk/dinner with you he needs to schedule that in, make sure he is available and drops what he's doing.

It's a big wide world OP, why would you stay with someone who cannot and likely will never meet your needs?

There's no point in wasting your time wondering if he cares about your needs but can't help it, or just doesn't care enough, because it doesnt affect the outcome - you are unhappy.

I think you either have to learn to live with this as it's probably not going to change.

My friends dh is in the navy and goes away for periods of time. She has a really active social life with lots of hobbies that she does when he's away. But also spends quality time with him when he home.

Is this something you could do? Whilst hes 'working' can you make the most of the free time, hobbies, friends etc. But agree when he is free that you spend good quality time together.

The sticking point will be if you ever want dc. It would be wholly unfair of him to expect to carry on and leave you holding the baby and house whilst he works, especially if you go back to work yourself

It isn't what you want in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't want it. 2 weeks of no contact every 6 weeks. There are some that say they do, but not you. Like you say, no continuity. It's perfectly acceptable to not want to exist that way. He won't change and doesn't want to. It must be hurtful that he places more importance on his career than on you, but that's him. He's told you he's done it to others too. Protect yourself and leave. It's just who he is.

My husband has ADHD and is in the middle of a hyperfocus phase for the past few months. He has completely opted out of family life. If I even ask him to do something with the kids (pick up from footie) I get a sigh or a tantrum.

He's definitely gotten worse as he's gotten older. It is the end of the road for me as I'm sick of it. I would say run for the hills, especially if you want kids

Is this the same guy who had a presentation that he had to finish and a promotion that he had to get work done for?

I was a bit like this when I was doing my masters. Worked/studied constantly and DH just had to deal with me not having a lot of time to spend with him. I think it’s fine for a limited amount of time, but I certainly wouldn’t have expected him to put up with that forever, you can’t nurture a relationship if you’re going to block your partner out for weeks at a time regularly. And it definitely isn’t possible with children, if you have children with him you would need to accept that you’d be doing 100% of everything for periods of time when he decides to, what if that happens when you’re also having a busy time at work, doesn’t sound like he would be willing to compromise and put you or a child first

@Googlewasmyidea1 yes sounds like it doesn't it

I'm starting a business and ended the relationship with my BF because he booked a "surprise weekend away". Twat.
He wasn't meeting MY needs for space/time. Sure I wasn't meeting his needs either.

I'm very much like your partner, OP.
I suspect I have ADHD. I realise that I can't change, or attempt to change without experiencing painful discomfort. Somebody saying "but I want to see you" when I'm in the focus mode, gives me a sense of entrapment, panic almost.
I know that I'll enjoy my time with said person but I might fail to get back on track with work. So I can't manage to do both successfully - it's either/or.

I live between periods of
"not motivated to work" - I'm great then for lazy lunches, all day sex, extended holidays, self-care, fitness, dates, love, leisure and entertainment, parties and friends.

"gearing up for a new project" - all the above but a lot of intense/grandiose work talk thrown in.

"working on the new project - I practically self isolate, work intensely into the night, sleep all morning, self care goes, fitness goes, forget to eat, can't be bothered to food-shop or prep, if anyone insists on seeing me, the guilt is so intense that I go for the nuclear option to ease the emotional stress. I loathe motherhood at those times (even though it keeps me sane and gets me out of the house sometimes).

I wish I could change the pattern but I can't. I need a partner who'd think of me: HollySass is great when she's around. That's all.

In short, I don't think he will ( or even can ) change.

I think OP absolutely nothing wrong with both ways of thinking but he isn’t ever going to be right for you. Personally I think it’s a pretty poor show on his part if he can’t spare you a couple of hours a couple of times a week at this stage but take it as given if you aren’t a priority now you won’t be further down the line.

I have done my under grad, PGDip, MSc, my L8 entry doctorate and now doing my PhD with 3DC and a full time job in research. I honestly think if I had to lock myself away to this level to get things done, I wouldn't be coping with the demands of the study and/or work. It shouldn't require that level of time input from your bf to complete the output you have described OP. It suggests he is overwhelmed and like he has to do more than he should to keep his head above water. I am paid 40k a year and do 40k worth of work and that is it. I doubt I will be regretting that I didn't write more research papers when I am dying. I will be remembering people. I manage my time in blocks of work/study/family/social/house because they make up my life but I have perspective. It sounds like your bf can't cope with what's required and struggles with proportionality? I really feel for him, he sounds so stressed. I can see why its not working for you. Stresshead workaholics who are sinking are not fun are they?

I do this. It’s how I graduated actually, despite pissing about for 3 years. I have ADHD (inattentive)

He's a "live to work" person and you are not. Leave him to get on with working himself into an early grave and find someone who meets your needs.

My DH has his own business, employs people, it's stressful, particularly during covid, but he always prioritises family. Workaholics are boring as hell.

@Treeeetys

I’m thinking it may not work. What happens if we want to move in? Do I get a premier inn when he has a deadline?!

Don't move in together.

You obviously like him. Enjoy seeing him when you can but keep your options open.

Use the time he is unavailable to find someone else.
Look at all your posts on this thread, you know what you need to do. I don’t know how anyone could put up with this.
Someone working away from home would be much easier to deal with.

For what it’s worth, my Dp is the same - works, I think, far too hard which means we can never plan holidays as there is always something coming up. I used to get irritable, but now realise it’s to do with his childhood and carp dad leaving him with horrible anxiety. We also discussed it and like a few people have said, he couldn’t handle relaxing if he knows it’s all waiting for him. It’s not great but he’s trying.So now I go my own way, but make sure he has nice dinners etc. It’s a bit 1950s, but he is bringing in most of the income.
And I’m the same when I have a deadline!

Op, you're not needy for wanting to develop a relationship. It's not needy to want to be considered by your partner (rather than put on a shelf for several weeks).

I think you have to face reality, he isn't able to function when under stress as "functioning" does normally include interacting with family, friends.
Unfortunately he is likely to be spend his life alone.. when he gives up work I bet he will focus on Golf or cycling.

This isn't fair on you. Once a year maybe, but not this. Maybe he does suffer from anxiety and/or have ADHD or whatever, but what you understandably expect from a relationship isn't happening.

You have to decide if youu can live with it I suppose, unless you can succeessfully encourage him to change (as he seems distressed.)

Each to their own, I personally would have no trouble dealing with that aspect of your DH but would find your mindset on this issue really grating.

I don't know if you want kids or not, but, picture the scene...

You've got flu/COVID/norovirus. The kids are sick, but still bouncing off the walls.

He has a presentation/pitch and is 'unable' to help. Does that situation spark joy?

(True story).

You clearly are not prepared to compromise and neither is he. Relationship is doomed to fail. This type of working is all he knows and is selfish but it's how he operates and only he can change it to a more family friendly practice. The fact it has ended previous relationships and he still hasn't changed means it never will. He can't and won't change and you are not prepared to live with it Move on OP

FWIW DH can sometimes do this and gets very upset if he is disturbed so i leave him alone now. He has attention deficit disorder (like adhd) and needs to hyper focus to achieve a complex issue.

I don't think being a workaholic is an issue here at all! I'm far from a workaholic but still can't bear having people around when I'm in the focus mode. It's not selfish either - I'm doing it because I feel intensely overwhelmed juggling musts and needs of work, plus needs of other people. Something has to give - and often times it's work that gets shelved (cue intense guilt and shame, the same as when people get "shelved").
It's not an indication of selfishness or lack of love. BUT it does not make it easy on relationships and friendships. It is completely fine to leave when the other person is not meeting your needs. Just don't make it a drawn out process of guilting and expecting the other person to change - it won't happen. When someone starts guilting, I start seeing them as an enemy, a captor. Unfortunately, I can't be guilted into changing my brain chemistry 🤷‍♂️

@HollySass, are you upfront and tell your future partner that you are like this?

For those like this - Whilst selfish may not be the intent the outcome is the same...whilst you're focusing on your needs what happens to the people around you? If you had a sick child, would you drop the work focus? I hear it's brain wiring but surely it means you can't offer an equal partnership...I appreciate you can't change but at least be upfront and let a partner know you will shelf them and any other responsibilities if you get into hyper mode

What seems not to be mentioned in replies here is that this guy is suffering as a result of this behaviour pattern. Ita not just the op not liking it..he is distressed and knows ita damaging relationships.

Ita a form of severe anxiety surely if an upcoming appraisal means he literally can't leave the house on a sunny weekend.