Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex wants me to come on holiday with his family to facilitate contact

66 replies

LegendaryEndermam · 20/07/2021 00:06

This is really an AIBU but putting it here because I'd rather filter out the people who respond assuming that ex is a reasonable person.

Ex is an abusive arsehole who does not and never has respected any boundary and would not ever take no for an answer when we were together. He continues to try to push boundaries whenever he can and I have worked quite hard to be as low contact with him myself while still doing what is needed for the children's contact. He was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive when we were together and it was realising the negative effect of that on the dc which finally gave me the push to escape.

We have 4 children, the eldest is autistic and more often than not refuses to see his father. The younger children like to see him.

Ex has asked the children to visit with him and his family, staying in a hotel for a few days. I think it's unlikely that eldest will end up wanting to go, but he has expressed some interest in the holiday. Ex has said that eldest can only go if I also go. I said no. Ex says that he could stay in another hotel and I could have a room next door to the children in case eldest needs me. His mum will be going, as well as him, two of his sisters and another adult family friend, but ex keeps saying how his mum is elderly and frail and so it's not fair for me to refuse to facilitate eldest coming if he wants to, because she is too old to cope if eldest melts down.

The thing is - eldest doesn't cope well out of his routine, and does need me at night times. And the stuff they will be doing is not stuff he is likely to enjoy (he is quite a bit older than his younger siblings). So I have had doubts that he would actually go along or cope if he did, but I also don't want him to feel excluded if he does turn out to want to go.
But I just can't go and spend several days having to interact with ex at least several times per day.
I know that in a normal, amicable, split it might be good for the children to see their parents still co-operating and getting along doing things together, but in this case I really don't want to expose them to the interactions between me and ex which are almost always manipulative, controlling and or abusive on his side.

AIBU to say no I won't go on this holiday, even if that means ds1 also can't go? AIBU to feel like it's not my fault if ds1 can't go, when ex says he can only go if I go too?

OP posts:
Maxiedog123 · 20/07/2021 06:07

Could you arrange something special with your son during that time. Something he would really like but the other children wouldn't want/be able to do .

girlmom21 · 20/07/2021 06:25

Nooo way.

Even if he wasn't abusive he clearly isn't capable of looking after his children and it's not your responsibility to give up your time so he can play wonder dad.

Greenwateringcan · 20/07/2021 06:28

I’ll add a SHIT NO.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/07/2021 06:40

I'll channel Ned Flanders for a bit of variety: H-e-double hockey sticks NO!

He's claiming he can't cope with the eldest - that's on him. What has he done to understand your DS and learn to cope with his meltdowns? Has he read books, attended parenting courses, engaged with DS's school? I'm guessing he's done fuck all.

If he can't parent all of his own kids, that's on him. Doesn't mean he gets to have you come along as unpaid childcare. And I'd say that with just your bog-standard lazy man child, let alone this rapey fuck nugget.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2021 06:50

@MysweetAudrina

Might be easier on ds if you could do something that you know he would enjoy while it is just you and him and the others go with their Dad.
As others have said, do this. Make a lovely mini holiday with your oldest.
MichelleScarn · 20/07/2021 06:53

Adding to the HELL NO, FUCK NO, GOOD GOD NO! And as a pp said, so you can manage caring for them all on your own, but he and what 3 other adults can't?!

Soontobe60 · 20/07/2021 06:59

Your ex is a bit of a joker isn’t he? I do hope you laughed out very loudly when he made this most ridiculous of suggestions!

Original poster
LegendaryEndermam · 20/07/2021 07:19

Ok, thank you. My instincts were right but he makes me doubt them and feel like I'm being unfair to everyone and selfish, and then I feel like I'm spiralling back into his control.

Hard no it is. 👍

OP posts:
layladomino · 20/07/2021 08:13

Good for you. I think you could turn this in to a positive - as pp said, is there something your DS would enjoy, that perhaps you wouldn't do if the others were around? You could proactively suggest that to him now, so that going with his father isn't so attractive.

In an ideal world, the father would be capable of having all of his children, but you said that in realisty your DS does need you around, so you will both be much happier if you go off somewhere yourself.

This is an opporunity to show that vile man that you don't dance to his tune anymore, and you don't exist to make his life easier.

Harriedharriet · 20/07/2021 14:28

Clever fella though - it should be a week for you to enjoy solo
But nope - one child left at home so you do not get that free mental, emotional, and physical time alone.

Whatinthelord · 20/07/2021 14:35

@romdowa

God no! Please do not even consider this. Its your exs responsibility to ensure that any holiday is suitable for all his children.
Exactly this. If your son ends up being disappointed or feeling left out it will be sad but will be totally on his dad.

I can’t see you attending a holiday that sounds unsuitable for your son anyway will end well. Sounds like another method of controlling you.

Don’t even get in a debate about it or your reasons. Just say that no you won’t be attending the holidays.

QueenBee52 · 20/07/2021 14:53

@LegendaryEndermam

Ok, thank you. My instincts were right but he makes me doubt them and feel like I'm being unfair to everyone and selfish, and then I feel like I'm spiralling back into his control.

Hard no it is. 👍

You Lady stop feeling guilt... you are a great Mum escaping this cycle ...

and amazing for coping with his attempts at manipulation.. 🌸💕

Original poster
LegendaryEndermam · 20/07/2021 15:13

Thanks, I've told him. This far quiet acceptance, fingers crossed (but not much hope) it continues. It's a shame because I have managed to maintain a good relationship separately to him with his family, for the children's sakes, but several things he has done this year I suspect are deliberately designed to scupper this, this holiday thing being the latest. He will make them all believe it is all my fault and I'm preventing ds1 from coming through being unreasonable and selfish.
Nothing I can do about that I suppose.

OP posts:
Greenmarmalade · 20/07/2021 15:16
  • He will make them all believe it is all my fault and I'm preventing ds1 from coming through being unreasonable and selfish. Nothing I can do about that I suppose.*

Tell them some of your side of the story in plain, child-friendly language. Then stick by your decision, which is DEFINITELY a good one.

CarnationCat · 20/07/2021 15:24

No way. You have made the right decision 100%.

Do not let him control you.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2021 15:27

Nope. No Way. Not a chance in hell. That'd be a no from me

Eviebeans · 20/07/2021 19:06

I totally feel it should be a no, but last poster is right -it feels like a win to ex either way, either you go and he has the power or you don't and you're at home looking after oldest child.

mbosnz · 20/07/2021 19:09

Um, yup, that's a hard Hells No from me, too. . .

Essentialironingwater · 20/07/2021 19:14

It's a shame but perhaps it'll be really nice for you to have 1:1 with your eldest. Does he have any special interests you can indulge whilst the younger ones are away?

Think you've made the right decision saying no, it'd be a nightmare.

Umberellatheweatha · 20/07/2021 19:16

Fuck that!

Your eldest doesn't even like the git anyway by the sounds of things so I doubt he will give a fuck.

Tbh I wouldnt even let an abusive ex have my kids for a holiday either if I could help it. Chances are he singles one of them out to bully instead of you. Infact that's maybe why your eldest doesn't want to go to his.

Original poster
LegendaryEndermam · 20/07/2021 19:49

I am happy for the younger ones to go because I know they want to, and with three family members and a friend around to support do all the childcare for him I hope it'll be good for them. They haven't seen his family for the whole pandemic. Sadly the person he will bully is almost certainly his poor mum, as he doesn't treat he very well for all his pleading her frailty as a reason I should go along... when we last went to see her (without him) the children said to me how nice it was that I wasn't arguing all the time with nanny, like daddy did Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 20/07/2021 19:54

He's their dad, it's his job to cope if your eldest had a melt-down.

It's a completely unreasonable idea to expect you to go along.

He's a parent, he should try, you know, parenting.

Fuck no is the correct answer.

Naunet · 20/07/2021 20:01

two of his sisters and another adult family friend, but ex keeps saying how his mum is elderly and frail and so it's not fair for me to refuse to facilitate eldest coming if he wants to, because she is too old to cope if eldest melts down

Why does he need a woman to deal with his child’s melt downs? Blaming you is pathetic, if he had treated you and the eldest well, he wouldn’t be having this problem 🤷‍♀️

daisyrain13 · 20/07/2021 20:04

Absolutely not a chance in hell!!
He's manipulative and using your own child's needs against you to prove he still has power over you.
If he cared about oldest DC he'd arrange to take him for a day out separately if he won't be comfortable spending a long time away from you.
Don't let him control you.

PamDenick · 20/07/2021 20:10

Only go if you can take your new boyfriend...
And keep going upstairs for ‘naps’...

Or just ‘Dearie me, no’...