Leaving right before a holiday?

[Cornfieldrainbows]

I have another thread about how trapped I am in my marriage and I really don’t think I can face a week away in a caravan with DH.
The pretending is getting to me.
But the dc are expecting to go. DH is expecting to go.
How awfully selfish of me would it be to get out now? I know it’s only a week but it makes me feel like I want to just give up.

Not selfish AT ALL. Your dc need a mother who is well and happy more than they need a holiday.

If you've built up the courage and momentum to leave now, then LEAVE NOW.

You may not get to this point in a while if you don't act now.

Nothing worse than being in a caravan for a week with a horrible man. I've been there. Longest days of my life and anything but relaxing.

Please leave now.

I’ve read your other thread. You need to end the relationship.

There is no “best time” to leave. It’ll always be too close to a holiday, exams, someone’s birthday, kids about to go to high school, Christmas, blah blah blah.

Is there any chance you could tell your DH and have him take the kids to the caravan for a week to give you a bit of breathing space?

He’s not horrible most of the time but he is wilfully lazy.
Last time he said how great it was there was a dishwasher in the caravan. There wasn’t. It was me. I did it all week.
This is how it goes - he drives there and then gets up later than me by about two hours the whole time we are there. He does a lot of lying down with a beer. I find it all pretty exhausting and most of the activities aren’t even on this time because of covid.
I’m so tired. I wish I could do it for the dc sake but I’m not sure I can.

They’d be pretty distraught if I didn’t go. They wouldn’t want to go with him and not me and I don’t think he would take them on his own.
Even if his mum went in my place I can’t see the dc managing that terribly well. Dd particularly would be upset.
I know I should just do the week but it’s making my heart race thinking about it.

Lazy is horrible in my book because it means he has no respect for you, takes you for granted, is selfish, and doesn't care that you're tired and need a break.

He even referred to you as a dishwasher. He's not hiding the fact that he thinks you're a domestic appliance. How is that not horrible?

No he didn’t realise there wasn’t a dishwasher.
He thought there had been 🙄
Even though he’d spent all week watching me wash up.

As soon as I tell him it will all explode. There’s no doubt about it.

Could you go without him and have a better time ? Say the whole family need to do a lateral flow and pretend his is positive .. oh dear what a shame he has to stay home and isolate ....🤭

@TooWicked

I’ve read your other thread. You need to end the relationship.

There is no “best time” to leave. It’ll always be too close to a holiday, exams, someone’s birthday, kids about to go to high school, Christmas, blah blah blah.

Is there any chance you could tell your DH and have him take the kids to the caravan for a week to give you a bit of breathing space?

You need to leave. I agree there will always be something to ‘hang on’ for. I avoided leaving my ex for a good six months after I knew it was over. It was Christmas, then DDs birthday, then something else. I left about a month before our booked holiday in the end. It wasn’t ideal but there is no ‘good’ time really. There will always be some fall out. I don’t regret it. You won’t either.

Oh bless you. Is there any way you can get you and the children away, say under the pretence of visiting relatives or a friend, and then call him from there and tell him it's over? You say he wouldn't want to take the children on his own (he clearly couldn't cope) so could you take them somewhere else for the week? So they still get their holiday - and it sounds like they'd have a much happier holiday with just you.

He's lazy and thinks you're his servant. He clearly has no respect for you. It shouldn't surprise him that you're not happy.

Do you have someone IRL who would support you with this?

Could you go with the dc and leave him behind?
My ex used to be just like your dh, going away with him was like having a extra child to look after, he would be lazy, expect me to cook, wash up and keep the place tidy, it didn’t feel like a holiday at all. I then started taking the dc without him and it was much easier, I still had to do most things but I had one less to do it for and spent less time being angry about it. Eventually I realised that him not being there was great so I split up with him. I now take the dc away 3 or 4 times a year and we have so much fun without him and it’s much more relaxed. The dc don’t miss him being there at all.

I'm in a similar position but we are going with extended family so they will be a buffer against his moods.

I agree that there is never a right time to go. I've put it off for far too long as well

My dh recently moved out. We haven't told the kids and have a birthday this week and a holiday next week.

As it's in the UK I am going to suggest to split the week as I have been so looking forward to it and he will undoubtedly ruin it if we went together.
I have a feeling he will tell me to take them myself.

There will always be something. Don't let it stop you moving forward. This is really new to me and it took me years to get here. If you have the momentum, go with it.
I was feeling really sorry for dh over the weekend, offered and olive branch (not to get back together , just created an opportunity for him to spend more time with the dc's) and he has left me bitterly disappointed again.
They don't change. Good luck on your journey.

I am sad about it all but I feel a bit now or never about it.
There’s a possibility DH will basically back me into a corner and I will have to go.

I thought the same @Cornfieldrainbows but I was strong about my position and he left. To be fair I think he thought it would blow over and I would break and beg for him back, but I know it can't work, so he's still gone.

Now or never is where you need to be to make the final jump from the marriage.

I'm really concerned for your MH and what you mean by giving up?

I've done what you need to do. I'm out the other side now. The need to make the final call to end it rolled about the table with me for ages before it happened.
Then it became like a steam train. There was no way I could stop what was going to happen.

He can't force you to go. Dont act and feel powerless because you're not.

The dc will be upset but that wont last. They will get over it. Don't do something that is going to make you feel so miserable.

He’ll be angry though. We’ll have wasted money.

I spoke to him this morning. He said I seem quiet and withdraw. I said I’m not happy and I said I can’t believe he is either. He said he loves me and he loves the children and has loved me since he first set eyes on me. Which was all very romantic I suppose. He said he doesn’t know what else to do.
Then he talked about our lack of sex life and I said it wasn’t great and he asked me point blank if I didn’t fancy him anymore and I didn’t know what to say. Then he started talking about an early night and unwrapping a special present. We were in the kitchen and he had his hands up my dress and down my top. All over me. Talking about going to bed for ten minutes. It’s been YEARS since we had sex. Years.
My body just went no. I was struggling not to cry. Now he’s doing lots of talking about an early night. I’m going to have to sleep with him and it’s just awful. It’s not even his fault. It’s me. It’s something in me.

Please don’t have sex you don’t want it’s soul destroying- trust me I know, was reading your thread as feeling stuck, trapped and struggling. I haven’t got any good advice so sending you the strength I hope I find soon xxx

You definitely don’t have to sleep with him
Leave him now

Thank you. I hope you find the strength too.

I just can’t go from not even kissing for years to his hands being all over me, up my skirt, down the front of my top, saying this is a lovely sexy piece of ass. It’s just 🤢

I’m about six days into not eating and I’m hoping to just collapse at some point. I’ve just had enough. I cannot see a way through that is acceptable at all.

Can you stay with family? Eat something sweetie, it won’t help making yourself ill

Jesus no. This is no ok. Tell him to get off you and leave you alone. If he continues after that it’s assault. Under no circumstances should you feel obligated to have sex you do not want. If you feel threatened, call the police.

You need to leave. If not right now then as soon as you possibly can. This situation is untenable. Whatever the fall out, if cannot be worse than what you are going though now.

I will say again that there is no right time to leave. He won’t like it whenever you do it. But the sooner you do it, the less time you have to spend in a frankly fucking miserable marriage.

When you say he'll be angry and you would have wasted money, how angry are we talking here? Are you worried for yours or your DC's safety?

Please do eat, you won't have the strength to even think clearly if you're not eating.

Pretty angry. Likely to tell the dc it’s my fault we aren’t going, which I guess would be true.

I’m not sure really. I’m feeling panicky.