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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving right before a holiday?

63 replies

Cornfieldrainbows · 19/07/2021 19:29

I have another thread about how trapped I am in my marriage and I really don’t think I can face a week away in a caravan with DH.
The pretending is getting to me.
But the dc are expecting to go. DH is expecting to go.
How awfully selfish of me would it be to get out now? I know it’s only a week but it makes me feel like I want to just give up.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 20/07/2021 16:57

Better to go for it and tell him now than to put yourself through sex with someone who makes you feel like that. Honestly a bit of anger is surely better than being mauled by someone who makes your skin crawl?

BunnyRuddington · 20/07/2021 17:04

If you're worried about telling him, have you got a close friend or relative who could be in the house.

Telling the DC that it would be your fault isn't nice but it just shows what an awful person he is.

Please, for your sake and for the DC leave him.

CreditC0urageCad · 20/07/2021 18:03

Not eating for days is not normal

Tell him the relationship is over today ( the reason doesn't matter)

Tell him you have separated

If one of you wants to take the children on holiday that is fine

Tell other people GP, family, friends

You need help

CreditC0urageCad · 20/07/2021 18:04

If you don't go on holiday, there will be other times to go

Eat something

Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 20/07/2021 19:41

He’s hyping the dc up about going and how wonderful it will be.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 20/07/2021 20:04

He’s hyping the dc up about going and how wonderful it will be.

That's still no reason to stay. You need to tell him. Are you worried that you might not be safe if you do tell him?

Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 20/07/2021 20:13

I just feel so guilty about it all.
And the dc will be massively upset if I don’t go with them. It would be such an out of the norm thing for them. He never takes them anywhere - to take them away for a week would be unthinkable.

Argh I just want it to stop.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 20/07/2021 20:22

Argh I just want it to stop.

I think you need to have something to eat, put the DC to bed and tell him.

Is he still expecting sex later or have you relented already?

Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 20/07/2021 20:23

He’s expecting sex later.
I just want to give up.

OP posts:
LucyLovesCheese · 20/07/2021 20:27

You need to eat something my lovely, you can’t think rationally when you aren’t having any nutrition - smoothies anything you can manage.
Take a walk and eat something even it it’s small.
Could you go on the holiday with the kids and tell your Dh you need some space?

Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 20/07/2021 21:07

It won’t happen. He won’t accept that.
We all go or none of us go I think.
I’m not brave enough to tell him.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 20/07/2021 21:52

Well then at least don't have sex you don't want. Surely you can assert yourself enough to say no to that.

BunnyRuddington · 20/07/2021 21:58

You seem trapped in inertia OP, like having sex and going on holiday is something that to have to do because he wants to.

If you haven't got anyone else to talk to please call the National DA helpline. It's open 24 hours a day.

LunaAndHer3Stars · 20/07/2021 22:04

@LucyLovesCheese

Please don’t have sex you don’t want it’s soul destroying- trust me I know, was reading your thread as feeling stuck, trapped and struggling. I haven’t got any good advice so sending you the strength I hope I find soon xxx
So this. It's horrible.
Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 20/07/2021 22:05

I am trapped in inertia.
The dc want to go on holiday too, well dd does. Ds knows I’m unhappy and I don’t think he’s so bothered about the holiday.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 20/07/2021 23:07

Honestly it's just a week, if yoh are this miserable it will be frightening for the children and they will have all the wrong kind of memories (I was s child in this situation - on a cruise. It was hell, and I remember it for all the wrong reasons)

For goodness sake fake an illness (keep going to the loo or something) if you haven't got the strength for a confrontation now. And gather reinforcements around you , and make a clear quick plan to separate safely.

candycane222 · 20/07/2021 23:41

By 'just a week' I meant 'just a week of holiday for the kids to miss'. NOT week you should endure. Notbwith your marriage like it is

I know its money etc but realistically the 'nice holiday' has already been destroyed by your husband's shittiness, so the kids aren't actually going to be missing out, on anything except a week of "atmosphere" concentrated between those four small walls.

timeisnotaline · 20/07/2021 23:48

Promise dd another week later. You don’t have to do this.

Original poster
Cornfieldrainbows · 21/07/2021 06:54

I have made myself feel worse by reading about the effect of divorce on children. I need to stop.
Ds was crying last night because he’s worried about me and that’s not fair. I need to just pull myself together somehow.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 21/07/2021 08:18

I have made myself feel worse by reading about the effect of divorce on children.

I need to stop. Ds was crying last night because he’s worried about me and that’s not fair. I need to just pull myself together somehow.

You know that what they are experiencing now isn't good for any of you. It sounds incredibly dysfunctional and I'm not surprised your DS is upset as you are so upset.

I'm sure that both of your DC would prefer you to be happy and not married rather than what's happening now.

Have you eaten anything yet?

candycane222 · 21/07/2021 08:18

My mother sacrificed several years, full of misery and desperation, so as not to 'break up the family'. I hated being implicated in her misery.

You say yourself your son is unhappy because you're unhappy. No surprise there. Show your children that when life doesn't turn out as you hoped, (and sooner of later this happens to everyone, one way or another) you can take action and move to a better path.

A better life for all of you is possible. It will be hard, but the best things often are Flowers

Devon1987 · 21/07/2021 08:27

You need to get out, then you can pull yourself together. Stop killing yourself for a dead marriage.
I’m a child of divorce and I’m perfectly fine. My friend grew up knowing her parents had a shit marriage but mum was waiting until hit 18 to leave. It’s had a lasting effect on her, and her settling for a workaholic husband.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2021 08:32

@Cornfieldrainbows

I have made myself feel worse by reading about the effect of divorce on children. I need to stop. Ds was crying last night because he’s worried about me and that’s not fair. I need to just pull myself together somehow.
The effect of divorce is less bad than the effect of a mother so unhappy and downtrodden that she's starving herself Staying is NOT good for the children. Just pack them up and go. Can you stay with family for a while? It's almost the school holidays so you can get away for a bit. Go on the holiday if you think he won't follow you. Just get away. You can deal with the fallout somewhere else.
Horehound · 21/07/2021 08:38

Why don't you go on holiday with the kids but tell DH to stay home?

Or just sack off the holiday altogy who cares about wasted money when you're going to break up.
He doesn't dictate your life. This is your life so do something about it.

Your daughter will understand and you can plan a trip with you and your children later.

Hairbobblesbows · 21/07/2021 11:42

That’s not how our relationship is - it would be totally out of character for me to do that and he wouldn’t accept it.
I still cannot eat.
I need to know that if I leave now and don’t go on this holiday and break up with DH then my children will be ok. But there are no guarantees.