Divorce and name change- what is normal thing to do?

[Aprilinspringtimeshower]

Hi
I have divorced after 30 years of marriage. 2 grown up sons, who are independent. Divorce was “friendly”, and easy and quick. I don’t hate my ex! I don’t regret getting married in first place. I took my husbands name on marriage

So I am only using my maiden name for some online stuff. I’m then still using my married name. A few people have asked me, and asked why I don’t change. They seem surprised. I sort of waffle it because of the kids- but they’re independent anyway and it’s not really a valid argument now ( would be if they were still at home/education). Someone else suggested that They changed their name becuase otherwise it was stopping them moving on and accepting their marriage was over.

I’m sort of in 2 minds. My own father went NC with me over 10 years ago , which caused me a lot of distress and led to depression. So I’m not anxious to switch my name from one Patriarchal practice to another.

I’m also unclear how you change your name back legally? Does the decree absolute give me rights to simply just use my birth certificate only to re-register my name with official records or financial institutes? Or do they have to see the marriage and divorce certs?

I’m just interested in what others views are on why they changed their name back to their maiden name or even something else ? And what you had to do , to be able to use it again officially?

My divorce was finalised this week but I'm keeping the name for now. I prefer it to my maiden name! And it's a pain in the arse to change everything again, especially as I'm qualified in my profession in my married name. No one seems surprised so far. But I have young kids.

I think to change it back you need the absolute and original marriage cert. I ordered a copy when I had to return the original for the divorce...although I'm not sure I did return it actually?!

I think most people divorcing after such a long marriage and with adult children keep their surnames mainly because it's been their given name so long and would be weirder and more of a hassle to change it back.

It's entirely personal choice I guess but I think the majority probably stick to their long given name. Makes sense.

It’s entirely up to you. DM divorced my dad after 25 years. She kept her married name for a few reasons. She couldn’t stand her maiden name and had been delighted to get rid of it, she wanted to have the same name as me and my brothers and also she really couldn’t be arsed with the hassle!

I have no experience in changing my name but if you were to change it, does it have to be your maiden name? Could you, for instance, change it to your mother's maiden name?

It’s YOUR name. You’ve had it for 30 years. Women don’t just borrow names from men.

Call yourself whatever you want to. If your current name feels best, keep it. If your birth name feels better, change to that. If you want to be known as Minogue, Windsor or Unicorn, change to that!

Maiden name is such a hideous term.

And of course, this is only ever an issue for women so it’s as sexist as it gets. Much easier to just keep your own name if you get married, like 99.99% of men do!

I picked an entirely new name for myself when I got divorced - from way back in my family tree, along the female line.

But keeping your own name generally means keeping your father's name so it's still patriarchal.
I'm in favour of choosing something completely different. Maybe something that has meaning.

I kept my married name when divorced but only because it's the same as DD's and I didn't want problems arising when travelling abroad with her.
Once she's 16 (12 now) I will probably change back to my maiden name as I hate my married name

I kept my married name because I just want to be the same as my kids. I wish I'd named them my maiden name but I didn't so I'm sticking with it.

@MiddlesexGirl

But keeping your own name generally means keeping your father's name so it's still patriarchal. I'm in favour of choosing something completely different. Maybe something that has meaning.

I share a name with my father. But it is MY NAME. Has been since I was named.

Call your kids what you like. It’s not automatic that dad’s name gets used (my DD has both). It’s 100% her name.

The whole thing stems from hideous traditions. I’m amazed anyone does it but it seems the majority do. Which just perpetuated this myth that women aren’t people with names, just things to be identified in relation to men.

It's your name. You weren't renting it.

Once you adopted it, it was your name and it belongs to you.

I abhor this attitude that a woman never has her own name and only borrows other men's names, having to give the name back if the relationship ends. It's grim.

The people hassling you are mind numbingly sexist.

There is no such thing as a legal name in the UK, only the name you are known by. If you change your name you just need evidence of the name you are now using.

As long as it's not offensive or for fraudulent purposes you can use any name you like, without needing the permission of the state or your ex husband.

I reverted back to maiden name as soon as my divorce came through. There were no negative connotations attached to that name.
My friend just picked a surname she liked and changed to that with a deed poll. Choice is entirely yours, you are the person living with the name, so if you are happy with your married name, stick with it.

When you changed your name it became YOUR name, not your husbands brand stuck in you like a label.

Do what you like.

Your birth name on your birth certificate is also legally yours to use, so if you want, just start using it. Banks might want some evidence but I don’t see why a decree busy would be necessary or relevant. You could be happily married and revert to your birth name if you wanted.

Or choose a new name. That will require deed poll for official documents but easy enough to do.

I am with NavigatingAdolescence though.

No one says to men ‘but it’s not your name it’s your father’s name’. But then men, expecting wives and the next generation to be named after their precious dynasty never see their names as anything other than their natural entitlement.

@MiddlesexGirl

But keeping your own name generally means keeping your father's name so it's still patriarchal. I'm in favour of choosing something completely different. Maybe something that has meaning.

Children are supposed to have their mother's name, which was why it was so important to men that women adopted their name on marriage so it could be passed on.

It's fascinating in a disturbing way that the misogyny is so ingrained in people that women - who had notionally been given some freedom from those social shackles - automatically assumed they had to give their own children the father's surname even if they hadn't adopted it themselves or weren't even in a relationship with the man!

Didn't consider or value their own name or feelings at all. Because man comes first.

All amidst the usual claims that of course they made an entirely free choice entirely uninfluenced by our patriarchal misogynist society and absolutely coincidentally in accordance with society's misogynist norms. Yeh, sure, free choice.

I know someone who took her husband's name when they married. She then divorced and remarried and kept her first husband's surname. In fairness, it is an excellent name.

When you changed your name it became YOUR name, not your husbands brand stuck in you like a label.

Perfectly put.

I’m sort of in 2 minds. My own father went NC with me over 10 years ago , which caused me a lot of distress and led to depression. So I’m not anxious to switch my name from one Patriarchal practice to another.

You could always pick a surname from the maternal line to use? Complete fresh start?

I’m also unclear how you change your name back legally? Does the decree absolute give me rights to simply just use my birth certificate only to re-register my name with official records or financial institutes? Or do they have to see the marriage and divorce certs?

If you’re going back to your birth name, either divorce decree + birth certificates or divorce decree plus marriage certificate should work.

I chose a new surname. It's a mix of my children's names and works really well (it's not a weird made up name!)

I love it and my children use this surname day to day

I kept my married name until my children were adults, then went back to maiden name , then remarried .
You say your maiden name is not particularly of importance to you because of your father ? Well , take the great opportunity to change it to a fabulous new name !
How about a place you love ? York , Hampton , Appleby etc or a person you admire ? Have some fun choosing a name that you love.

I went back back to my pre-marriage name last year after separating, not yet divorced. (18 years married) Downloaded a statutory declaration form off the internet and got a solicitor to witness, cost £5. It does mean I have a different surname to my kids (teens) but many people do now so it doesn't bother me.

@Aprilinspringtimeshower I did this very recently. I needed my decree absolute and my birth certificate to change back to my maiden name for both the bank and the DVLA. The decree absolute was used to prove that the marriage had ended, I printed off a copy from the portal and took it with me to the bank. They sent me new bank cards and chequebooks and changed my surname right there in front of me.
I went online to change my name on my driving license changed and had to post my decree absolute, birth certificate AND marriage certificate to them.
Once I had changed my driving license, other places took that as good proof that it was the name I'd be going by from that point onwards.

Please change it to Banana - Hammock! Double barreled, of course!

You decide on your own rules! I'm surprised at the impertinence of those people asking you what you're going to do! I divorced some years ago and I don't think a single person asked me that. I decided to keep my married name, mostly as I had a young child and it was 'our' name. As others have said, it was y then my name, not my husband's name branded on me.

Personal taste though - depends how much you like both names / how old your children are at the time / whether one or other name has negative connotations.