Divorce and name change- what is normal thing to do?

[Aprilinspringtimeshower]

Hi
I have divorced after 30 years of marriage. 2 grown up sons, who are independent. Divorce was “friendly”, and easy and quick. I don’t hate my ex! I don’t regret getting married in first place. I took my husbands name on marriage

So I am only using my maiden name for some online stuff. I’m then still using my married name. A few people have asked me, and asked why I don’t change. They seem surprised. I sort of waffle it because of the kids- but they’re independent anyway and it’s not really a valid argument now ( would be if they were still at home/education). Someone else suggested that They changed their name becuase otherwise it was stopping them moving on and accepting their marriage was over.

I’m sort of in 2 minds. My own father went NC with me over 10 years ago , which caused me a lot of distress and led to depression. So I’m not anxious to switch my name from one Patriarchal practice to another.

I’m also unclear how you change your name back legally? Does the decree absolute give me rights to simply just use my birth certificate only to re-register my name with official records or financial institutes? Or do they have to see the marriage and divorce certs?

I’m just interested in what others views are on why they changed their name back to their maiden name or even something else ? And what you had to do , to be able to use it again officially?

When I got divorced, I went back to my maiden name.

If I had no contact with my dad (or he had a silly surname) I would have chosen another name, either from a different branch of the family or just one I liked.

I'm not changing mine. Too much of a faff. Amicable here

I'm not sure there is a normal here, most women I've known handled it differently from those who changed it back right away, those who had younger children who did so after they left school or those with grown children who talked to them about it (my MIL did this, she delayed it while BIL was undergoing cancer treatment because in his emotional state, he had a thing about the surname disappearing), those who maintained the name she had because as others have said its' equally the woman's name after she starts using it, even one who changed her first name but kept the surname as part of her moving forward.

They're both equally your name, you've used them both, so it's all up to you which you use where, or if you want something new.

I know someone who took her husband's name when they married. She then divorced and remarried and kept her first husband's surname. In fairness, it is an excellent name.

I did that. My first husband's name was much nicer than my maiden name, and after divorce I kept it because I like it and because it made sense to keep the same surname as my children and the surname I'd used professionally for 15 years. My second husband's first wife did the same thing, so even if I was desperate to take his surname I'd feel as if I was hijacking another woman's name, which would be bad manners.

I'd advise doing what seems right and feels comfortable for you and not being pushed around by other people's beliefs and expectations. There's no definite "right answer" that applies to everyone.

Unless you actively want to change your name to something else, why bother? You've been that surname for 30 years, it's yours, you earned it .

I kept my surname by marriage after divorce, because
a. it seemed like a faff to change it,
b. it's better than my maiden name
c. none of my living family have that name any more,
d. it's the same as my kids'
e. changing it back seems rather pointed and it's not a point I feel I needed to make
f. I don't think of it as "his" name. It's mine. It became mine.

I kept my married name partly because I have dc at home and partly because it was too much of a faff and partly because I have been this name for a long time it would feel weird using my maiden name again.
I do refer to myself as Ms though for forms and such like.

The phrase ‘Maiden name’ makes me twitch.

There is no equivalent for men. Even if a man changed his name to his wife’s on marriage there is no equivalent terminology that links his name to a state of virgin unmarriedness.

Personally I use ‘birth name’.

I don't think there is a standard.

I changed my surname on 1st marriage, in retrospect I wish I hadn't.
I kept my married surname on divorce, because by then it's who I am.
I kept my surname on 2nd marriage, see above.
DH2 died and I'm seeing someone but don't think I'll marry again, but if I do I won't be changing my name.

I was married for 7yrs no kids and went back to my maiden name, I preferred it anyway. My mum has been divorced for 20yrs and kept her married name as she wanted it to be the same as us, plus she had had it for so long - all her adult life. Just do what feels right for you.

@MarianneUnfaithful

The phrase ‘Maiden name’ makes me twitch.

There is no equivalent for men. Even if a man changed his name to his wife’s on marriage there is no equivalent terminology that links his name to a state of virgin unmarriedness.

Personally I use ‘birth name’.

“Own name” is even better to my ears, but some people don’t like that because they aver that any name you’re using is your own name.

I am always amazed when people ask personal questions and a) expect an answer b) think their opinion matters. It’s your choice, the norm is whatever you feel comfortable with.

I have a friend who, instead of reverting to her maiden name on divorce, used another family surname that she preferred ie from her mother's side of the family.

She also tweaked her own name eg born Emily, known as Em to everyone, tweaked to Emma because it scanned better/rolled off the tongue better with the new surname but still known as Em.

Deed poll, bob's yer uncle!

I am in the process of divorce and think I will keep the name, just to avoid the hassle of changing everything back. I want to have same name as my kids but also, I really do not care. If I lived in my home country it would mean more as people there recognize each other by their families name, but I live abroad and it really does not matter. Both my maiden name and my husband's last name are foreign to people here.

Changed mine to my mother's maiden name which is much better than my maiden name. Funnily enough, my mother has kept her married name despite miserable marriage and my father having died 21 years ago.
I linked new name with half of married name so that I had half of the kids names.
All a royal pain the arse and a lot of £££££££

I went back to my original name , my friend took her dads nick name that he was always known by . You will need to deed pole … and keep the original paperwork as some places are arses about it 🤷‍♀️

@Popetthetreehugger

I went back to my original name , my friend took her dads nick name that he was always known by . You will need to deed pole … and keep the original paperwork as some places are arses about it 🤷‍♀️

You really don’t need a change of name deed (deed poll). A small group of people are making £££££s from women for the right to use their own legal names.

@roadwarrior

I have no experience in changing my name but if you were to change it, does it have to be your maiden name? Could you, for instance, change it to your mother's maiden name?

Well, I assume I could by deed poll..if I do that I could change to whatever I want…but I’m guessing that a whole different legal process and money!

@AaronStampler

I picked an entirely new name for myself when I got divorced - from way back in my family tree, along the female line.

How did you do the legal change? Deedpoll?

If you want a brand new name, yes use deed poll. It’s not horribly expensive.

@user27424799642256

It's your name. You weren't renting it.

Once you adopted it, it was your name and it belongs to you.

I abhor this attitude that a woman never has her own name and only borrows other men's names, having to give the name back if the relationship ends. It's grim.

The people hassling you are mind numbingly sexist.

There is no such thing as a legal name in the UK, only the name you are known by. If you change your name you just need evidence of the name you are now using.

As long as it's not offensive or for fraudulent purposes you can use any name you like, without needing the permission of the state or your ex husband.

That isn’t true? Your name is determined legally on 3 documents surely: birth certificate, marriage certificate, or deed poll. All my life I have had to provide either marriage cert or birth and marriage for stuff like passports, some banks, wills, POA, house sales…you need proof…and it will eventually link to your death certificate.

It’s actually pretty easy to change your name. If you wanted you could choose your mother’s maiden name or even a new name for yourself! But if you like the old one and it works for you then there is no obligation to change it back. Don’t change it because someone else thinks you should.

[quote Musthavesbackagain]@Aprilinspringtimeshower I did this very recently. I needed my decree absolute and my birth certificate to change back to my maiden name for both the bank and the DVLA. The decree absolute was used to prove that the marriage had ended, I printed off a copy from the portal and took it with me to the bank. They sent me new bank cards and chequebooks and changed my surname right there in front of me.
I went online to change my name on my driving license changed and had to post my decree absolute, birth certificate AND marriage certificate to them.
Once I had changed my driving license, other places took that as good proof that it was the name I'd be going by from that point onwards.[/quote]
Thanks for explaining that…that’s helpful to know

Thanks for comments so far…seems a pretty even split between keep or change which is reassuring. I like the arguments pressed that it Is my name , not my husbands now…interesting to put it that way

@Boopeedoop

Please change it to Banana - Hammock! Double barreled, of course!

Hmmmm…as I have a long first name, I think it’ll Ned to be a tadge shorter or I’ll run out of space on forms 🤣🤣

@Watto1

It’s entirely up to you. DM divorced my dad after 25 years. She kept her married name for a few reasons. She couldn’t stand her maiden name and had been delighted to get rid of it, she wanted to have the same name as me and my brothers and also she really couldn’t be arsed with the hassle!

This was exactly my mum too after 30 years of marriage. To be fair, she's had her married name longer than her maiden one (she'd gotten married when she was 19).

It's entirely up to you Op - do what you want and don't feel rushed or pressured to do anything right away.