Am I normal to feel hurt? (Masturbation)

[hellolittleone]

So me and my partner have been together 3 years and have an 9 month old baby boy. Two days ago he’s ended our relationship over a stupid argument we had and it’s not great at home we don’t talk much but around the baby we act normal. Usually if he breaks things off after a row we are fine after a couple of days of grovelling from whichever one of us was wrong. But this time it’s not so easy and I admit it was my fault. Which I’ve admitted and apologised for.
Here’s my problem...
The past few days since it’s happened he has been leaving underwear he has used to clean up after he’s masturbated, on our bedroom floor for me to wash. Now I usually wouldn’t see this as our sex life is really good and if I did it wouldn’t usually bother me that he’s watched porn etc but to leave them so freely for me to see on the floor I know he wants me to be hurt and I am for some reason. I’m a mess, I’m sleeping on the sofa at night and he’s happily watching porn in our bed at night and getting himself off.
Can anyone please give me some light into why I feel so hurt by this? Do I just wash them as normal and pretend it doesn’t bother me?

Thanks ☺️

No. You don’t wash them as normal. You leave them
Where you find them, or if you decide to make the bed you leave them
On his pillow, or serve them up
For dinner. Do not fucking clean this up. It’s nasty no matter what state your relationships in. It smacks of misogyny.

I understand why so many women put up with shitty behaviour because splitting up is a hard thing to do.

But what I don’t understand is how so many women fail to recognise such behaviour as shitty in the first place.

I feel like we’re being gaslighted into accepting vile and disrespectful behaviour as normal.

It's sad that you're second guessing yourself here and questioning whether your reaction is normal.

That indicates that you're a victim of systematic abuse and emotional manipulation. Giving a partner silent treatment is a form of abuse. You think it's normal to "grovel" for several days if he behaves this way?

You're "Acting normally " around your son? How soul destroying for you. You admit you're a mess- your son will be as damaged as you are if this continues. No decent father would treat the mother of his child like this.

I think you need to stop pretending that everything's ok. I hope you can confide in friends or family. X

Is the twat trying to make a point because he's not getting sex? If you pick them up and wash them then he will never, ever have any respect for you. He has virtually no respect for you already. Tell him you've binned them as they were crusty....that way he won't have any pants left in a few days time to do this with. You both have to sit down and work out a way forward...this is NOT a way to be living.

Brittleheadgirl - I didn’t say I’d leave him for wanking. Re-read what I said.

@hellolittleone you only get one life OP. Is this how you want to spend yours?

Wanking is fine, but leaving his spunk pants around is revolting. Put them on his pillow. Or throw them away.

Or talk to him re lack of sex, wanking and spunk pants. How he is behaving wouldn't fill any woman with desire, so why is he doing it?

Why would you wash them? I wouldn’t even touch them

@DinosaurDiana

Brittleheadgirl - I didn’t say I’d leave him for wanking. Re-read what I said.

You said you'd leave him he was wanking instead of having sex with you. A quick bit of 'self love' in the shower is definitely different to having sex with your partner and you're beyond naive if you think your dh isn't choosing this when he's knackered or can't be bothered!

Hence my comment about you needing to leave him if that's your stance!

Don't take him back

Don't wash his pants.

Do tell him that leaving spunky pants on the floor for his baby to crawl over is creepy at best.

What are you hurt about? The fact he’s masturbating or that he’s leaving his clothes on the floor?

The masturbating is a non issue and is normal so wouldn’t bother me.
The leaving clothes on the floor (any type of clothes) would bother me and it would be enough for me to end it. You are not his maid to go picking up after him! What grown man throws dirty underwear on the floor and expects someone to clean them up?! Not even my 12 year old does this as they have more respect for me and themselves.

Please don’t do his washing. He can do
His own.

Bloody hell, tell him to use Kleenex and put them in the bin like everyone else does and stop breaking up over every little thing

Why the hell have you given birth less than a year ago and you're sleeping on the sofa?! My god is your partner inhumane he should be the one to take up the uncomfortable setting. I'm presuming that you are the only one that attends to the nightly wake ups, I genuinely hope you surprise me and tell me I'm wrong

Why are you still with him?

If you feel the need to move them off the floor put them on the dirty , disrespectful bastards pillow

Fucking grim 🤢

Yuck... get rid of him.. he sounds like a grub, who has no respect for you

What are you hurt about?

I think op explained the following reasons;

He threatens to split up after every "silly argument"
He withdraws and gives Op the silent treatment for days
He spends the evening making it obvious he's watching porn and sulking in his bedroom like a petulant adolescent
He leaves the bedroom covered in spunk as a finger up to his partner.

Op it's an entirely normal reaction to feel hurt and like your head's "in a mess". His actions are emotionally abusive; designed to belittle and punish you so that in future you'll never dare to disagree with him again.

Pick them up and put them in his car.

There seems to be a few issues here OP

1. him breaking up with you every time there's a disagreement. It shows a complete inability to handle conflict and deal with matters like a normal, mature adult. My DH is the same and I hate is as it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and at times afraid to stand my ground when we do argue for fear of him ending things when conversations don't go his way. So I really do sympathise here.
2. It really should be him sleeping on the sofa, particularly as I suspect you are doing most of the work with the 9 month old.
3. As pp have said the wanking isn't the problem per se (particularly if you are not having sex due to the argument/break up) but rather the passive aggressive act leaving used boxers lying around. Without sounding dense, do you think it is intentional or do you think he genuinely doesn't realise it's "obvious" that it's clear what he's used them for? The reason I ask is because my DH had a similar habit of using boxers then throwing them on the ground. He was single for years before we met so I genuinely don't think he thought much of it. It was a gross and very indiscreet/stupid habit. He's now been trained to use kleenex I'm absolutely not defending your OH but it may not be intentional (although it could well be to try and get a rise out of you which is disgusting and infantile). Whatever the reason I wouldn't do his washing. Not just the boxers, but any of it.

eew so hes gross and leaves his crusty pants for you to pick up. What a turn off.

Can anyone please give me some light into why I feel so hurt by this?

Because he’s disgusting and disrespectful.

I think you should think very carefully about whether you want to invest any more time into this relationship. He sounds very uncaring. And at the very least stop washing his pants and sleeping on the sofa.

@TeddyBearsPicnic89,
Why should he be sleeping on the sofa ?, are females not able to sleep on sofas in 2021 ?

@hellolittleone

OP - you have a child now, so it’s time to grow up and decide what sort of life you want to have. Why do you want to be with a man-child who breaks up with you every time there is an argument. And why do you let yourself be treated like a doormat?
Why on Earth are you sleeping on a sofa? And doing his washing?

These are the important questions.
His masturbation is irrelevant.