Constant little controlling ways

[moragthewitch]

I am more and more aware of the little my DH tries to control me - but not sure if i am over reacting because of other issues. LTR +25 years. If I look back over my relationship I see I have always done things like come back from a meal with friends before I am ready to because he will be waiting up for me or I can't be late to a time i have already said ( we are talking 10.30/11pm not rolling in drunk at 2am). He very much wants everyone in the house to do what he wants or his way- no recognition of anyone else, and and drama of stress in the house comes from him and his ways. He also "makes me" feel bad about doing other stuff for me. This morning I went to an early outdoor fitness thing (I am working 10 days in a row in front of a screen this week). Tonight he had the audacity to say "why did you did that this morning - you could have been with me" and when I said I needed it to restore me with the kind of week I have he said I could have been restored giving him a blowjob! Often I will do something for md and j have noticed as soon as I come home there is something he then mit picks about. He is so needy - wants to know where I am in the house all the time. I am now working away for two days and had constant I will miss you - i don't want you up go - i don't see why you can't drive in the morning.... he has loads of routines that expects me to do - wants me to sit and chat with him when he is in the bath (every time) Recently on a couple of occasions I said a certain thing when he arrived home and now he expects it every time. I don't actually know how I am not screaming out loud. This can't be the rest of my life - only a couple of years until the kids have gone. Am I over reacting I think this is not normal?

I recognise what you are describing. It was me. You think you must be the one who is wrong for feeling this. Does he follow you around the house? Are you living your life so as to not upset him? By his rules? Why would he want you to drive in the morning and be really tired and not have a good nights sleep? ( yep that was one of my ex favourites too, would get up at 4.30am and travel then work till 9pm. I was exhausted). Note it all down. This doesn't have to be your future. Too me a while. I'm out three years now.

You're not overreacting at all. It's exhausting :(

Imagine what it will be like when your children have gone and you are on your own with this man.
You either address it and he admits what he is doing and agrees to get help or you end things before it's all too late.
That's what I think Op

What happens if you don't do what he says?

Have you tried talking to him?

My guess is you have but nothing changes. He seems obsessed with his needs to the detriment of yours and you exist to make him feel better.

No it's not normal. It's claustrophobic and controlling.

A normal relationship would see you skipping out the door and him saying enjoy yourself.

It’s not normal at all; do you want this for the rest of your life? Take some steps to leave him

He sounds like a Demand man

www.muchnessmama.com/abusive-profile-the-demand-man/

@Agirlcalled doesn't follow me around but if I for example ho upstairs for a while he will want to know where I am, what I am doing or i will be accused of being in a mood if I want to read upstairs not watch tv. I definitely modify my behaviour on lots of little things as do the kids - my friends wouldn't believe it they thing I am very assertive ( I am when not around him). He love bombs me constantly so I am "mean" if I dont do what he wants and of course ungrateful as he just adores me so much.

@Fireflygal if I don't do what he wants it depends on his mood. I might get told I am mean and I don't love him and it feels really childish or sometimes it will be a sulk, other times he will fly off the handle, shout slam doors, storm about etc

Oh yes being accused of being in a mood. I used to get "what's wrong with your face" in an accusing way when I was just getting on with things! But then you think you must have been giving off bad mood so make an effort to be "cheerful " yo prove you are not....it's all to mess with you head. I had to do certain things too. He wouldn't watch tv alone. I had yo watch it with him. And yes it was because he loved
Me so much and wanted to be with me, but I wasn't allowed to do things I wanted. I started notes in my phone when I noticed something else. It really built up into quite a picture very quickly that's when I knew I had to leave. It's hard to explain some times isn't it?

It's not normal, I have been married over 30 years and whilst I wouldn't say we are blissfully in love like we were in the early days our marriage and life together has settled into a comfortable routine where we recognise each other's strengths and weaknesses but also realise that we need a lot more than we can just give each other in the way of time to do our own hobbies, meet our own friends, just have 'quiet time' on our own etc etc.

Your DH sounds very needy and controlling- how pathetic that you have to sit and chat to him when he's having a bath.

Today I work (retail) but am now sitting up quietly in the garden enjoying a lazy coffee and breakfast before getting ready, DH is having a lie in and will then go cycling .... we will have a meal together this evening and either he will be on a Zoom call with friends and I will spend a quiet evening doing what I want. May sound dull to some people but I couldn't bear to have to be doing things 24/7 with my DH. We are already talking about our retirement but both agree we must have our own interests and hobbies. We frequently have weekends, holidays etc on our own or with our own friends.

Think carefully about how you want your future to look like.

He sounds like such an insecure needy man. And he's curtailing your freedom.

You sound kind a switched on independent woman - how do you stand it!

Having to be home at 10.30? My DH expects me when he sees me.

As for not travelling the night before, getting up at dawn all so he doesn't have to spend a whole evening without you.. seriously.

Following you round the house. It's sort of creepy actually.

No it's not normal and it's not healthy.

How smothering.

You sound *like

Does he have friends, a social life without you having to be there?

Is this a joke? None of this is normal. He is sucking the joy and freedom out of your life. You don't have to live like this. He does not own you

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are in a controlling relationship with this man and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour based also on power as well as control. He wants and indeed has kept you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see one parent treat the other like this?. Did you also meet this man when you were in a bad place or very young say late teens or early 20s when you also had no real life experience behind you?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not remain with him either until the kids have left home either. This is really no legacy to leave them; would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not. Talking to him about how you feel is a waste of time because he does not care about you at all. He does not feel he has or is doing anything wrong here re you. He is also a master manipulator who would still make it all out to be your fault and/or all in your head. He does this because he can and it works for him. If you were to look at his parents, chances are that one of them acts the self same way towards the other. This is deeply ingrained within him.

Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and plan your exit with care.

Many abusive men see otherwise strong women outside the home environment as a challenge to bring down to their base level.

Abuse like this as well thrives on secrecy. You have made a small but important step in writing about this on here and now you need to further bust this wide open. Start opening up to others and at the very least talk to Womens Aid. I would also think that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions re your H. Its not your fault that this man has decided to embark on a long standing and private based war against you. You need to realise too that such men hate women, ALL of them.

And his sulking behaviour towards you is a further example of emotional abuse. You've likely been on the receiving end of such control your entire marriage and it also started before marriage.

This from him has affected your kids too; they have indeed picked up on this.

OP, as difficult as it is to hear, he isn't going to change no matter how many discussions you have. This has been going to for years and I am quite sure it's become worse over time. At any hint of change from you, it will be fired back to you... He will make you feel guilty for not wanting to sit with him in the bathroom, then you will be treading carefully as not to upset him more etc etc. It is just a big circle of you doing what he wants you to.

I know this because I have been in the exact same situation.

Now that you can see what is happening, it's quite obvious, but for all this time it was just normal life. You probably didn't know any different, as its just how things were day in and day out.

You've made a massive leap forward just by realizing.

The thing is, now your relationship has changed. It won't ever be like it was because you're seeing things differently, and dare I say, that you are going to be pushing against him, standing up for yourself. He will see this as you having changed, you'll probably be accused of having an affair etc etc. And this is when things start getting very uncomfortable. His life isn't going to be quite so cushy anymore.

How you move forward is entirely up to you, but if I were you, I would be looking at your long term situation of not being in this marriage.

All the best to you 💐

Yes this is abuse. No this isn't normal. Yes you need to leave ASAP.

Next time you go out tell him you will be home at 2am, so you don't feel you have to come back early. His reaction will tell you everything.

OP, you are now seeing your relationship with your H with fresh eyes.

The day to day of life with kids very often means that we have very little free time for 'reflection', and in your marriage, you'll have been afforded zero time for 'reflection' at all.

It's not surprising you're re-evaluating your marriage/relationship now that your kids are almost grown, because it's probably the first time you've had time to do this.

You need to be very careful in how you respond to his ever increasing 'need' for attention from you, because you're now conscious of the things he does to 'control' you, you're more likely to unconsciously respond with a different facial expression or tone of voice he's never seen before, so he'll be aware that 'something' has changed (and he won't like it, and will do everything in his power to get things back to how he likes them !).

Please contact Womens Aid, who can help you negotiate your way free of the prison your H has kept you in for quarter of a century.

Look forward a few years @moragthewitch when your DC have left home, what will your life be like living just with him? Can you imagine having a happy retirement with him? He won't want you going out with friends, doing hobbies, going to see your DC unless he's with you all the time. You need to change how you react to him, don't let him make you feel guilty, if he just gets worse then you have your answer.

I'd be getting a patio if I lived with a man like that. If I were you, I'd wait until April 2022 when the new divorce law comes in and then hit him with a divorce petition. Doing it earlier probably won't do you any good because he will just make it impossible. Get your freedom back, go live your life.