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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Constant little controlling ways

53 replies

moragthewitch · 16/07/2021 23:49

I am more and more aware of the little my DH tries to control me - but not sure if i am over reacting because of other issues. LTR +25 years. If I look back over my relationship I see I have always done things like come back from a meal with friends before I am ready to because he will be waiting up for me or I can't be late to a time i have already said ( we are talking 10.30/11pm not rolling in drunk at 2am). He very much wants everyone in the house to do what he wants or his way- no recognition of anyone else, and and drama of stress in the house comes from him and his ways. He also "makes me" feel bad about doing other stuff for me. This morning I went to an early outdoor fitness thing (I am working 10 days in a row in front of a screen this week). Tonight he had the audacity to say "why did you did that this morning - you could have been with me" and when I said I needed it to restore me with the kind of week I have he said I could have been restored giving him a blowjob! Often I will do something for md and j have noticed as soon as I come home there is something he then mit picks about. He is so needy - wants to know where I am in the house all the time. I am now working away for two days and had constant I will miss you - i don't want you up go - i don't see why you can't drive in the morning.... he has loads of routines that expects me to do - wants me to sit and chat with him when he is in the bath (every time) Recently on a couple of occasions I said a certain thing when he arrived home and now he expects it every time. I don't actually know how I am not screaming out loud. This can't be the rest of my life - only a couple of years until the kids have gone. Am I over reacting I think this is not normal?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/07/2021 14:37

I agree with @Orgasmagorical.

Get yourself organised financially.
Get copies of all finances, pensions, investments, deeds.

Organise yourself quietly and get legal advice.

Absolutely nothing to be gained discussing a retirement plan that you want no part of!

Strikethrough · 19/07/2021 16:40

OP, do you recognise that he is abusing you?

I have an elderly neighbour who was recently widowed, her husband was abusive in such similar ways to yours. Even though she is now "free" from him she is a complete wreak who cannot make any decisions for herself (because he successfully convinced her that she was an idiot/incapable) and the smallest stress sends her off to bed with a bad stomach (because she has spent years living in eggshells, I dread to know what her blood pressure is).

Do not let this go on any longer, make a safe plan (abusers become even more dangerous around the time a woman tries to leave - ring Women's Aid for advice, it doesn't matter if he's never been violent, they are there for you too).

My neighbour eventually stopped going anywhere without her husband because although he never hit her (that I know of) she would come home to the front door locked and all the lights out and she said it wasn't worth it. When he developed Alzheimer's she had to be his carer and is now left with the legacy of his abuse of her.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2021 16:45

My god, your life is a hellscape. There is nothing normal about any of this and your husband is a very scary, abusive man. You can't possibly leave him fast enough.

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