Constant little controlling ways

[moragthewitch]

I am more and more aware of the little my DH tries to control me - but not sure if i am over reacting because of other issues. LTR +25 years. If I look back over my relationship I see I have always done things like come back from a meal with friends before I am ready to because he will be waiting up for me or I can't be late to a time i have already said ( we are talking 10.30/11pm not rolling in drunk at 2am). He very much wants everyone in the house to do what he wants or his way- no recognition of anyone else, and and drama of stress in the house comes from him and his ways. He also "makes me" feel bad about doing other stuff for me. This morning I went to an early outdoor fitness thing (I am working 10 days in a row in front of a screen this week). Tonight he had the audacity to say "why did you did that this morning - you could have been with me" and when I said I needed it to restore me with the kind of week I have he said I could have been restored giving him a blowjob! Often I will do something for md and j have noticed as soon as I come home there is something he then mit picks about. He is so needy - wants to know where I am in the house all the time. I am now working away for two days and had constant I will miss you - i don't want you up go - i don't see why you can't drive in the morning.... he has loads of routines that expects me to do - wants me to sit and chat with him when he is in the bath (every time) Recently on a couple of occasions I said a certain thing when he arrived home and now he expects it every time. I don't actually know how I am not screaming out loud. This can't be the rest of my life - only a couple of years until the kids have gone. Am I over reacting I think this is not normal?

@AhNowTed when we met many years ago he was very social. Obviously covid hasn't helped but he now has a very small group of friends mainly connected to his hobbies/interests. He might see them for shared hobby things but NEVER goes put socially (meal/night out)- hasn't for years. We do the odd family thing (my family - his parents no longer around and no extended family) but don't socialise with others anymore (we used to - due to years of MH issues he didn't want to - no longer have joint friends)

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not remain with him either until the kids have left home either. This is really no legacy to leave them; would you want them to be in a relationship like this, no you would not. Talking to him about how you feel is a waste of time because he does not care about you at all. He does not feel he has or is doing anything wrong here re you. He is also a master manipulator who would still make it all out to be your fault and/or all in your head. He does this because he can and it works for him. If you were to look at his parents, chances are that one of them acts the self same way towards the other. This is deeply ingrained within him.

Absolutely this.

Are you waiting til the kids are gone to leave him? Don’t bother, they already know what he’s like. Is this how you want to live your life? I’d go now, personally, it would be a huge relief for you and the kids. Stop wasting your life.

This sounds so familiar. I felt like I spent my life needing space just to breathe! I was with my ex for a similar amount of time and was very young when we met. I was suffocated in the end I resented him so much. He was controlling and abusive too I left him 5 years ago. Life is good xx

@isthismylifenow I have been in that circle for many years - I think partly because when our 3 children were younger everyday just rolls into the next with the busyness of it all and also I have let him use his depression as an excuse (and he uses it as an excuse as well). I am pushing up against him more at the moment and when covid fully ends I will be way more social and out than I am now! I guess there is part of me that want to give him a another chance to change (not sure why!) but also his reaction will tell me everything I really need to know if I challenge him more.

@updownroundandround - It's exactly that with the kids - life was just one big merry- go-round. I think I am at the stage I no longer care what his reaction is - if he flips out that will be the end right there and then

OP, life's too short to live with one of these entitled man childs, just get rid you'll be much happier.

@Daleksatemyshed I can't imagine retirement with him the ways things are right now. We had always loosely talked about moving to a more rural area when the kids left home. He has mentioned this recently and I said I wouldn't move to a nice area/lovely house (money would go further) when I wouldn't have my friends/family/things I love around me. Think I need to make this much clearer - maybe that will open up a bigger conversation. I am not scared of him (although he does have a temper sometimes) but I am scared to upset him and what his life would be like if we spit (crazy I know! need to think of me!) I am doing much more for me and will only be increasing this - it will be telling how he reacts

Howk. That blowjob comment.

You're looking at this the wrong way op. You only have two years - to SHOW your kids people should not stay with partners who act like this.

If you stay with him and your kids see you accepting this utterly smothering, sickening, controlling bullshit...they will think it is normal and go on to date abusers or even, become abusers themself.

Time is ticking for you to show them that creeps like this do not have to remain in your life. You owe them nothing. And your kids, well theres no way they will want to grow up knowing their mother stayed with a nasty piece of work for their 'benefit'.

@Umberellatheweatha I am not in anyway staying for the children. I think the timing is part covid related and part that I am just a more confident person than I was and am learning at last to have better boundaries.

[quote moragthewitch]@Fireflygal if I don't do what he wants it depends on his mood. I might get told I am mean and I don't love him and it feels really childish or sometimes it will be a sulk, other times he will fly off the handle, shout slam doors, storm about etc[/quote]
This is abuse sorry.

I said I needed it to restore me with the kind of week I have he said I could have been restored giving him a blowjob!

Jesus wept. Seriously, leave him!

I work with abuse regularly, and he is abusive, and he will not change, I promise you both of those things.

Time to change your life, OP?

@moragthewitch. I hear you lovely- I have a similar situation — we ended up moving out the UK (both British) because my H didn’t like the way Britain was going (neither did I to be fair but wouldn’t necessarily have left- he made such a hoo ha, I ended up going along with it) and whilst it’s really lovely here I do miss my local friends a lot and gate it feeling very much like the 2 of us only (late 50’s) (Covid has made it worse as not possible just to nip back at moment) he didn’t have local friends or go out locally when in UK , so that aspect doesn’t bother him at all really - don’t let him
Press you into something you don’t really want— I now have a right pain and huge expense getting stuff back if i chose to leave . If I nip to the shopping centre I get calls after an hour asking where I am etc— drives me nuts. Co dependency is really unattractive I think In an older guy. I don’t find it sweet- I find it suffocating —and like you I’m a bit worried about his mental health if I did leave as he doesn’t have friends for support — tons of people he knows well - but not really close friends you would go to about anything personal

You're eyes are open now OP.

In the meantime, learn a few useful phrases..

Don't wait up, it'll be a late one
Nah I'm doing this
Nah don't fancy it

on repeat

Im glad you aren't staying for the kids.

But the thing is, you arent learning to have better boundaries. Because you are staying with him!

Theres an issue where people say 'oh now I give as good as I get' and think that that means they are no longer being abused. It's still abuse. Even if you recognise it is abuse or if you stand up for yourself.

Your boundaries are still being trampled even if you recognise when it is happening. Even if you retaliate or temporarily remove yourself from the situation.

Your boundaries can never be where they need to be if you continue to stay in the presence of someone who wants to trample them. They mean absolutely nothing. Infact if anything they are a detriment to you because they make you believe you have some control over the situation. Which is a total fantasy.

Of course I'm not saying it's easy to leave but you talking about learning to have better boundaries...

Imagine if you were standing in the middle of a stampede and there was an opening to the left if the canyon and instead you chose to stand next to a tree in the middle of it and thought 'I'm safe now'. You aren't safe at all. Stop kidding yourself. You'll only become your own worst enemy.

• Basically, your new 'boundaries' are simply a false security.

Sorry if that sounded totally harsh.
Just don't want you to fall into that trap of thinking that because you are perhaos becoming more aware or choosing a different way to approach his treatment of you that your boundaries are actually getting healthier. Because it's not the same thing.

@SmallGreenStripes good point, l see what you mean. Also sounds like my 1st husband

regardless of the sex/gender/orientations involved this sounds like a master and servant relationship.
GET OUT!

(has someone said LTB yet?)

Absolutely controlling and abusive.

It sounds like hell.

Your poor children will be very damaged by this.

So awful to grow up in this environment.

I think you should start thinking about them too.

Don't waste your time trying to fix him.

Spend it looking ay getting your kids away from him.
They deserve better.

You definitely do not want a retirement somewhere rural.

Classic suggestion of a controlling man wanting to make your life smaller.

Recently my friends sister separated from her husband in a shock to the family.
They had moved somewhere a bit further out and he suddenly tried to sell her car!

It would have been gone except she came home early from a visit to her daughter.

Apparently she just stared and told him I'm done. She asked her daughter to wait as she packed a bag and she hasn't gone home.

She is staying with a widowed friend and she is divorcing him.

He has claimed it was all a misunderstanding but of course it is bullshit.

It was just the last straw for her.
They looked like they had a very normal, successful marriage and family so her circle are shocked.

He's all "poor me I'm so upset, it was a misunderstanding" but his daughter was there with her when he was selling the car and witnessed it all, and supports her mother, so he is not getting any sympathy from his children.

There have been a lot of "you NEVER know" gossip/looks in his golf club which has really upset him too.

She said her sister is very chirpy.

I've been there, so glad I got out.

Constantly wanting to know where I was going, when would I be home, did I need to go, didn't I just want a night in with him...

I had to watch the TV with him, the bloody soaps every night and the football, I wasn't interested in either but if I used my phone/computer instead of staring mindlessly at the TV with him I wasn't showing him any interest.

He got jealous of the attention I gave to the kids as the focus wasn't on him, had no hobbies or interests. Would sabotage nights out so he wasn't invited again (he was invited to play in a five a side team and deliberately injured another player so they wouldn't want him to come back)

Funnily enough, once I got rid he gave a few weeks of begging, broke into the house and smashed the wedding photos and then found himself a much older victim OLD who's kids were grown up sms wouldn't take the limelight from him.

@Moragthewitch, I think you've woken up now to his real nature but when you start refusing to play his game he could get very difficult. Glad you've refused to move to the country, I can't see any good coming from that. Just stay strong and don't let him wear you down. Please ket us know how it goes

I have he said I could have been restored giving him a blowjob!

Urgh!!!!!

Talking to him about how you feel is a waste of time because he does not care about you at all

Do be careful about telling him how you feel, he will quite possibly store it up to use against you. It is pointless though, as Attila says, he just doesn't care. All he cares about is controlling you and he will do whatever it takes to do so.

We had always loosely talked about moving to a more rural area when the kids left home. He has mentioned this recently and I said I wouldn't move to a nice area/lovely house (money would go further) when I wouldn't have my friends/family/things I love around me. Think I need to make this much clearer - maybe that will open up a bigger conversation.

It's a HUGE and scary step from posting about his little controlling ways to wanting to LTB, but if you are considering LingTB why have the conversation? Why wait for something to kick off? Take whatever control you can for yourself

If leaving is something you are considering DO NOT tell him, he will do whatever he needs to to stop you. I suggest contacting Women's Aid (they are amazing) and a solicitor, find out where you stand, make your plans, on moving day (for you or him) THEN you can tell him. If you tell him now or tell him you're not happy, there will just be another cycle of him abusing you till the next time.

My ex used to have regular sessions of emotionally abusing me and when I discovered MN I saw threads describing exactly what he was doing. I put barriers up, I walked away (calmly) when he tried to start. I didn't tell him I knew what he was doing but I very subtly (so I thought) stopped letting him do what he was doing. He sensed the change and changed his behaviour. Not for the better, he just abused in different ways. Please learn from my mistakes, you are worth looking after