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Relationships

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Original poster

Pregnant at 40 and no proposal

59 replies

Emtaboo · 15/07/2021 16:57

Hi there
I’m pregnant with my partner (we dated many years ago and reconciled nearly 3 years ago). This is the first child for us both. We get on really well and are living together in my new home. In my ways we’re just another couple but I have concerns that he may never marry me. Please don’t tell me it’s just a piece of paper. I know for some it is, but it’s important to me. I’m divorced and he got married and divorced young. He was engaged to a woman years ago too (after we dated the first time) but she cheated on him and the wedding didn’t go ahead. We’re both in our 40s, so not too young; saving for a ring isn’t an issue for him and we’ve both got good careers.
Years ago he kept blowing hot and cold with me and mentioned marriage but it never materialised. I feel we’ve both grown up now but I feel that he’s been prepared to marry two other women before me, I’m carrying his child (which he’s happy about) but I’m not good enough somehow. I’m always open about important issues like finance etc and keep telling him we need to communicate etc but the one thing I will never hint about is marriage. I would want him to ask me because he wants to, and not just because I’m pregnant. We’re genuinely happy and his friends/ family and mine can see that. Am I wrong for starting to feel frustrated? Has anyone else been in this position please?

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 15/07/2021 17:01

but the one thing I will never hint about is marriage. I would want him to ask me because he wants to

Grown up. If you want to get married then ask him if he wants to - he's not a mind reader.

Mum4Fergus · 15/07/2021 17:03

For the sake of your child if nothing else you have to discuss this with him.

WimpoleHat · 15/07/2021 17:05

Am I wrong for starting to feel frustrated?

You’re wrong not to have discussed this with him if that’s what you want….

OldChinaJug · 15/07/2021 17:05

How long have you been together this time round?

Was the baby planned? Had you both intended this to he a long term relationship? How do you both feel about the baby?

Is it just because you pregnant that you want to get married?

whatisheupto · 15/07/2021 17:05

Bit harsh from the previous poster. She doesn't want him to read her mind and ask her to marry him because he realises SHE wants to. She wants him to want to. Fairly standard.

AluckyEllie · 15/07/2021 17:05

Yup, I second the above poster. He probably thinks well we’ve both been married before and divorced, she’s never mentioned it so she’s obviously not bothered either. Just talk to him about it and explain it’s important to you.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 15/07/2021 17:06

Having a conversation that you want to get married, doesn’t mean he’ll marry you just because you’re pregnant. I’d say at 40 years old, he’s very unlikely to marry you unless he wants to.

I would consider why it’s so important to you and not just piece of paper before you talk to him. This will help with coming to a conclusion if he isn’t open to marriage again, whether the reasons you want it are enough to leave.

Umberellatheweatha · 15/07/2021 17:06

I'd be fucking pissed that he didn't even respect me enough to bring up marriage at least as a discussion if I got pregnant. That's so...low.

That being said I agree with pps statement. You need to grow up. You are going to be a mother and you want to get married so stop being a pussy and tell him. Take charge of your own life. LlReal life isn't Disney. If you're mature enough to have his baby then you should be mature enough to talk to him about what you want in terms of your relationship.

Bluntness100 · 15/07/2021 17:06

Yes, because if you can’t even mention marriage to him then you shouldn’t wish to marry him. Marriage is indeed more than a bit of paper.

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 17:10

Because of past break ups, he is being cautious. I've known many people, men and women, who have been married, engaged, etc, who say they will never marry again. Sometimes, a few years down the line with a partner, they do marry.

Marriage is obviously important to you so please do have a good conversation with your partner about it.

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/07/2021 17:11

We get on really well and are living together in my new home

Bear in mind if this is your home, should you split he will be entitled to half. Same goes for any pensions, savings etc that you have and he doesn’t. If you are financially stronger marriage may not be in your best interest.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/07/2021 17:11

Maybe he doesn’t want to do it again. Many don’t after making a set of lifetime vows that didn’t last.

Ohjustboreoff · 15/07/2021 17:11

You need to talk to him about this seriously. I didn't and then after 8 years realised he wouldn't marry me and worse he didn't want children with me. My next partner after 6 month we talking about children and marriage so we knew we were both on the same page.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper, at the moment in the U.K. if you're not married you could loose out of loads of benefits and help if something happens to your DH.
With me it would also stop me claiming his work benefits. It's not nice to think about your partner dying but it needs to be sorted. DH wanted me and the DC's to be looked after if anything happened to him.

Original poster

Emtaboo · 15/07/2021 17:13

Thanks all so far. I’ve told him in the past that I want marriage. We’ve been together nearly three years this time around. We’re both happy about the baby. I thought I possibly couldn’t have children but we both said if it’s happens, brilliant. I don’t want to get married just because I’m pregnant. In fact, I’ve told him that I’d only want to marry him if he would’ve wanted to regardless of my pregnancy. So, I’ve put my cards on the table, but don’t want to keep bringing it up if that makes sense.

OP posts:

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 15/07/2021 17:13

Talk to him!! For all you know, he's sat there thinking, "I'd quite like to get married but I don't think she's keen because she's never mentioned it, even now that she's pregnant."

layladomino · 15/07/2021 17:14

Marriage is so much more than a bit of paper - I think most people on here know that to be the case.

Why are you talking about 'hinting' though? Why has buying a ring go anything to do with it? Deciding to get married is a practical, serious commitment to your joint futures. it is not about jewellry. It isn't about romantic gestures / being swept away with a proposal. If you want to get married then you have to tell him that.

He can either say 'Yes Great' - then you set the date for the wedding. Or he'll say 'No I don't want to marry you' - in which case you have a problem. But I can't believe you didn't have that conversation before having a baby.

One thing he can't say is 'I don't know. It's a bit soon. Let's think about it in a year's time' - as you are having a baby so he can't argue it's too soon to know if he's serious about you.

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/07/2021 17:16

Marriage is not just a piece of paper, at the moment in the U.K. if you're not married you could loose out of loads of benefits and help if something happens to your DH

You don’t need to be married to benefit from any death benefit, you just need to be named as beneficiary. My work sends me a form every year so I can name someone different, same with pensions etc.

That’s maybe how to open the conversation o/p? You do need to make sure the surviving parent is financially well off enough to care for the child- would you leave him the house, for example, or put it in trust for your child?

Now you’re pregnant it’s a good time to discuss wills, life insurance etc and what happens. Whether that’s by marriage or drawing up contracts, that’s between you both.

Sarahlou63 · 15/07/2021 17:17

Are you willing to talk to him about wills, life assurance, power of attorney in the event of one you being incapacitated? All the stuff that becomes essential when you are unmarried parents.

Sarahlou63 · 15/07/2021 17:17

Cross posted!!

Original poster

Emtaboo · 15/07/2021 17:19

Hi @Sarahlou63. Yes, I’ve said that we need to sort these matters out before the baby is born, it’s so important x

OP posts:

layladomino · 15/07/2021 17:24

I get quite irritataed by situations like this, and if I'm honest it's because I was once there. Waiting for someone else to decide pacively wondering when it will happen.

As I've got older I've realised how ridicuolous it is. You wouldn't do it any other area of life. I want a new job - do I sit around and think 'I do hope they get in touch and ask me to go work for them' or do I put in an application and tell them why I want the job. If I want to buy a house, do I go looking and make an offer, or do I sit and wait for the estate agent to come and ask me (after all I told them 2 years ago that's like a new house some time).

I'm not saying this unkindly, as I've been there. And it is crazy... you are a grown woman. You know your mind. You are having a baby with a grown man. So it's safe to assume you are serious about having a future together. So just tell him - I'd like to set the wedding date. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

layladomino · 15/07/2021 17:24

sorry about the typos - rushing

Ohjustboreoff · 15/07/2021 17:27

@Emtaboo

Yes but with that statement you are giving him an out an excuse not to ask. Do you want to get married or are you happy to stay with him if he doesn't want to marry you? That is a decision only you can make and you need to tell him this.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/07/2021 17:27

Sorry but I would never ever get married again if the property is in your name. he could claim a big chunk of it in any divorce.
I thought my ex was the love of my life but when we divorced I lost my home. My home in my name. After giving him his settlement I could no longer afford it and had to downsize hugely to a county I don't want to live in.
I wish to God I had never married him.
Why are you so keen to lose your property - you have your babies inheritance to think of.

user27424799642256 · 15/07/2021 17:27

In your op you said you will never hint at marriage, now you say you've put all your cards on the table?

What did he say? How did that discussion go? Why are you still unclear on where you stand if you talked about it? Why would you need to keep bringing it up?

You also said you're concerned he'll never marry you, then you say you don't want to marry him if it's prompted by the pregnancy.

None of this really makes sense.

Why do you want to marry? For a proposal and him to "prove" he loves you or loves you more than the previous relationships? How is he supposed to convince you he's marrying you regardless of the pregnancy? Why does that matter to you so much?

If you can't have a clear discussion about this together then you probably shouldn't marry anyway.

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