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Original poster

Pregnant at 40 and no proposal

59 replies

Emtaboo · 15/07/2021 16:57

Hi there
I’m pregnant with my partner (we dated many years ago and reconciled nearly 3 years ago). This is the first child for us both. We get on really well and are living together in my new home. In my ways we’re just another couple but I have concerns that he may never marry me. Please don’t tell me it’s just a piece of paper. I know for some it is, but it’s important to me. I’m divorced and he got married and divorced young. He was engaged to a woman years ago too (after we dated the first time) but she cheated on him and the wedding didn’t go ahead. We’re both in our 40s, so not too young; saving for a ring isn’t an issue for him and we’ve both got good careers.
Years ago he kept blowing hot and cold with me and mentioned marriage but it never materialised. I feel we’ve both grown up now but I feel that he’s been prepared to marry two other women before me, I’m carrying his child (which he’s happy about) but I’m not good enough somehow. I’m always open about important issues like finance etc and keep telling him we need to communicate etc but the one thing I will never hint about is marriage. I would want him to ask me because he wants to, and not just because I’m pregnant. We’re genuinely happy and his friends/ family and mine can see that. Am I wrong for starting to feel frustrated? Has anyone else been in this position please?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/07/2021 17:34

Op. Yout posts are confusing. First you say you’d never even hint at marriage now you’re saying you’ve put your cards on the table which is it?

Look if you’re in a relationship with someone and having a child with them and you can’t even bring yourself to habe a full important discussion about the importance of marriage in these circumstances then your relationship isn’t strong enough for marriage.

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 17:48

You've made yourself clear, now the ball is in his court. I am very glad to read that the house you both live in is yours.

Presumably you will be going back to work at some stage and can be independent.

If you are happy together, enjoy your life. Getting married isn't the be all and end all.

However I think he will want to marry you in time.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 15/07/2021 17:54

So you don't want to hint.

But also told him straight....that you don't want to get married unless he wants to.

But are complaining he hasn't proposed?

The fact that he 'wanted' to marry someone before, isn't relevant. It was a different time in his life. He didn't actually marry one of them.

If this is so important to you, tell him. Actually tell him. Or get over it. Because you can't have it all ways. You can't have him ask, when he feels ready for it....but also be annoyed he isn't doing it when you want him to. You can't day this is important to you, but not to him. Then blame him for not knowing.

mm8989 · 15/07/2021 18:04

Discuss names for the bay and what suits your surname!
then you'll get a proposal!

thelegohooverer · 15/07/2021 18:04

I think you have to look at this as two separate issues.

Romantically, I fully understand your feelings of wanting to be wanted. But the relationship is what it is. I think you need to accept that this is the way he feels and then decide whether you are willing to accept this relationship.

But to an extent the ship has sailed. He’s had his chance to be chivalrous but now you are having a baby and you need to consider the legal and financial implications of that. Imo this is the grown up bit. It doesn’t have to be marriage, but you should be looking carefully at wills, financial protections and equity, etc.

You don’t have to hint or beg. At this point you should be discussing maternity leave, childcare provisions, your expectations rations of each other as parents, long term finances, protection of pensions, life assurance. Marriage protections can form part of that discussion.

OldChinaJug · 15/07/2021 18:10

@mm8989

Discuss names for the bay and what suits your surname! then you'll get a proposal!
Actually, this probably isn't a bad approach.

"Er, the baby is having your last name?"

"Well, yes, I'm carrying the baby, I'm delivering the baby, we're not married..."

That not asking anything. Just stating a fact.

Tbh, I wouldn't give a baby the father's last name if we weren't married and I don't know why so many women do.

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/07/2021 18:22

Tbh, I wouldn't give a baby the father's last name if we weren't married and I don't know why so many women do

Tbh I don’t know why so many women change their names on marriage and give their children dads name anyway.

There was a recent thread on here about names post divorce. Far easier for women and kids to keep their own names.

drpet49 · 15/07/2021 18:27

* he got married and divorced young. He was engaged to a woman years ago too (after we dated the first time) but she cheated on him and the wedding didn’t go ahead.*

^If I was him, after those experiences I wouldn’t want to get marry again.

SarahDarah · 15/07/2021 18:35

To be honest, from what you've said in your OP it's not clear whether he even wants to be with long term. Being committed to the baby and being committed to YOU are two completely separate things. If you didn't even bother to talk about getting married before you had the baby then it sends a clear message to him that marriage isn't important to you otherwise you'd have made it a priority. Best thing to do now is to have a conversation with him. There's still time to get married before baby arrives.

SarahDarah · 15/07/2021 18:38

Also you've chosen to live with him, sleep with him, and you've chosen to have his baby. That ship sailed LONG ago to be merely "hinting" at marriage at this point when You've already let him have all the advantages of marriage without the commitment.

The onus is on you to have a direct conversation. He holds all the power now because if he doesn't want to get married that now leaves you in a difficult position.

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2021 18:53

Have a discussion about planning a wedding. Tell him you want to be married by x date and see his reaction.

mm8989 · 15/07/2021 18:54

Tbh, I wouldn't give a baby the father's last name if we weren't married and I don't know why so many women do.
-----
I agree, everyone was shocked I said my baby was baby X(my surname) not daddies name.

Proposal came a week later!

salviapages · 15/07/2021 19:02

If you don't tell him how important it is to you, how is he supposed to know? If he's not fussed about it and sees it as just a bit of paper, and you've never brought it up, I imagine he assumes you feel the same way he does. If it's important to you he needs to know that

ElderButtFuckinNaked · 15/07/2021 19:03

Is it 1923?

Tell him you want to get married, and suggest that you start planning it. See how he responds.

Why do women now still require a proposal from a man? It's so very outdated.

LawnFever · 15/07/2021 19:08

Op. Yout posts are confusing. First you say you’d never even hint at marriage now you’re saying you’ve put your cards on the table which is it?

This! Confusing Confused

If you want to get married you don’t need to hint, you don’t need to wait passively and think he’ll read your mind, you’re an adult - just tell him you want to get married, especially now you’re pregnant.

If he agrees you don’t wait for a proposal, you just say great let’s set a date and just get on with it.

Arrivederla · 15/07/2021 19:24

For goodness sake - why are you being so passive about this? Don't be a passenger in your own life!!

Aprilx · 15/07/2021 19:40

For goodness sake you need to start acting like a grown up, you have a baby in the way. You say you wouldn’t hint at marriage but also say you have made it clear that you want marriage and then he somehow has to also prove that he would have wanted marriage even if it weren’t for the baby. How do you suggest he can do that without the benefit of a time machine exactly?

If you want to get married, just sit down and start a conversation about it and stop being coy holding out for your Disney princess proposal.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 15/07/2021 20:25

Be very interesting to hear his reaction to the baby having your surname not his.

I had a similar discussion with Dp when I was pregnant. I just said simply that there was no way my baby was having a different surname to mine - We got married 26 days before the birth Wink

JustAnotherOldMan · 15/07/2021 20:45

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Sorry but I would never ever get married again if the property is in your name. he could claim a big chunk of it in any divorce. I thought my ex was the love of my life but when we divorced I lost my home. My home in my name. After giving him his settlement I could no longer afford it and had to downsize hugely to a county I don't want to live in. I wish to God I had never married him. Why are you so keen to lose your property - you have your babies inheritance to think of.
I didn’t come off as badly as this, but another one in the ‘never marry again’ camp here
Ginger1982 · 15/07/2021 20:53

You should have ensured this was sorted before you got pregnant (or been careless enough not to care) if this was a dealbreaker for you. I'm staggered how many intelligent women fall into this trap. But, given that ship has sailed, you need to give him an ultimatum.

YeokensYegg · 15/07/2021 21:30

Think about your assets and finances.
Does he own property or have substantial savings?
He may have a great income but if he's bad with money, you might not want to marry.

altiara · 15/07/2021 22:40

^^as above, what assets does he have? I wouldn’t get married if you own a house and he has nothing.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/07/2021 22:45

As a homeowner, the only person i'd be marrying would be my financial equal.

staringstepan · 15/07/2021 22:48

Why don't you propose to him?

DeeCeeCherry · 16/07/2021 02:13

OP has already spoken with him about marriage in the past. How many times is she supposed to ask then? He's not a kid he knows the score, it's not a new conversation🙄.

OP you're living together - in "your" home? I'm wondering whether you're the higher earner/do you own the house?

If marriage is so important to you it's a shame you didn't decide to walk after the first time he was blowing hot and cold.

Given you stayed and are now pregnant, broach the subject again and base your relationship decision on his answer.

IMO men know who they want to marry, and who they don't. & You've had the conversation before, haven't you?

I hope you get your wish though. Good luck.