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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Drug use?

57 replies

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 21:28

Does anyone have any experience of their partner being addicted to drugs? What are some of the signs? If someone disappears once a week and you just can’t get hold of them and then makes up a ridiculous excuse the next day does this point towards drug use? Alongside always being broke, having a very addictive personality, being a heavy drug user in the past? The drug I am concerned about is cocaine. How would you know if your partner does coke if you don’t live with them? Apart from always having a runny nose and being broke what other signs are there?

OP posts:

mygood · 14/07/2021 21:29

all of the above.

tillytills · 14/07/2021 21:35

I always have a runny nose and I don't do cocaine. Just thought I'd say

nimbuscloud · 14/07/2021 21:38

How long ago since the heavy drug use?

Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 21:43

He keeps saying how can he be on coke when he goes to work everyday & that cocaine is a rich mans drug and where do I think he gets the money to do coke. He then says stuff like oh you really think I’ll get anything out of doing a bit of £40 coke, I’ll have to do a few hundreds worth for it to be worthwhile and I don’t have the money. But he is always hanging out with people who do a lot of coke and he disappears once a week and the very next day will say stuff like ‘my company here is bad I hate being apart’. He will also make up some really bad excuse about why he disappeared. Lies such as: my car got impounded (was a lie), I got locked out and spent the night with my friend (who is a coke head), I was cleaning my kitchen and fell asleep, I left my phone in my boss’s car etc.He is also wanting to move to me and has said he needs a woman to hold him down (!) otherwise he just wastes money. He keeps saying it’s all in my head and that he’s not on coke but something about him does not add up

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 14/07/2021 21:46

Ditch him
Life’s too short for this crap

sabrinathemiddleagewitch · 14/07/2021 21:46

It dosnt matter what drug it is surely? Wether Coke or Ketamine he's still using drugs.

It would dump him

Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 21:46

@nimbuscloud I’m not sure exactly as he lies a lot. He first told me when he was young he would do it recreationally and told me it’s been years and years since he did coke. Then it slipped out of him that he did a couple of lines on New Year’s Eve just gone (when supposedly he hadn’t touched it for years) and then he admitted that the past year he ‘dabbled’ in coke every now and again (2020) and blamed the pandemic but also said he never paid for it and it was when he was around friends who would just say oh here’s a line for you. I’m not sure when his period of heavy drug use was as he lies a lot

OP posts:

whatausername · 14/07/2021 21:59

He lies to you.
He wants to move to you so you can mother him!

Tell him the gtfo your life. I'd rather be single that put up with that nonsense. Life is short and you are entitled to better.

whatausername · 14/07/2021 21:59

Than put up*

MaxwellsChocolate · 14/07/2021 22:00

It’s drugs.

Justcallmebebes · 14/07/2021 22:04

He is not a keeper. Run. Fast

Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 22:10

@whatausername last week I was adamant I was going to leave him but he makes it out like it’s all in my head and will make me feel bad. Last week his excuse was he left his keys at work and had to spend the night with a friend but he will be so blaze about it the next day and make me feel as though I am overreacting.

As ridiculous as this sounds I’ve been in denial about his drug use too as I was just hoping it was not this. Despite his shortcomings I really did get on with him and when I spend time with him he really makes me happy so I really didn’t want it to be drug use

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 14/07/2021 22:17

Thank your lucky stars you’re not pregnant and leave him before he drags you down

Dothedo · 14/07/2021 22:25

Yup, I'd put money on him being a coke head. Runny nose, no money, constantly lying, playing the victim, making out you're going mad, all the classic signs. And I know you can be an addict and hold down a job, not every addict fits the stereotype blissed out in a crack den.
Don't move in with him and don't for a second think you can change him. You can't.

Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 22:40

Is it all lies when he says I’m everything he’s ever wanted and that he would never do anything to ruin our relationship? He always seems so convincing. I have tried breaking up with him before and he’s never taken it well. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been as we were supposed to be moving in together very soon! The last couple of weeks he has regularly disappeared for the night and I can’t help but think as he believes a move to me is very soon he is doing as much coke as he can?

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Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 22:42

I feel stupid as I actually thought he might be cheating (but it’s really not like him to cheat and he didn’t really give me any real reason to think he was cheating) but I just kept denying him being on coke. I guess I’ve just been really stupid

OP posts:

Sammieantha86 · 14/07/2021 22:45

I’d say look after yourself but if you care for him offer help - obvious drug use there in what you’ve said - either that or gambling maybe? Hand in hand tho usually - but remember you can’t help them unless they want they help you offer

whatausername · 14/07/2021 22:48

"...he’s never taken it well"
Many people don't take a break up well but the onus is not on you to deal with that. As an adult it is down to him to process and manage those emotions. All lives have their downs and a break up is a common one. You are not responsible for his life choices or his happiness. He is an adult.

I doubt he is doing as much coke as he can before he moves in with you and has to go clean. He is simply doing as much as he can because he can.

whatausername · 14/07/2021 22:51

@Loui98

You might feel stupid but you're only stupid if you bury your hand in the sand. The good news is you can become smart and change your situation if you want to. Good luck, be strong.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/07/2021 22:52

He's either 'just' a liar, a liar and a drug taker, a liar and a cheat or all of the above. So best case scenario is he's a liar. Raise your bar higher than that and move on from this horrible man!

FWIW yes it sounds very likely he regularly has coke binges but as I say it doesn't really matter whether or not he does in the long term - what matters is that he's a liar who goes AWOL regularly and treats you poorly.

Babyfg · 14/07/2021 22:54

I agree it all looks suspicious. If it will ease your conscious order some drugs off the internet and get him to do one. When it's positive remind yourself of all the lies and betrayal to stay strong. He probably does think he loves you when he tells you all that but he won't love you more than getting his fix and will justify why it's ok to mistreat you. You're incredibly aware and strong to not be blindsided to in honeymoon period (how many times have you heard I thought it would get better or I thought he'd change etc). Stay strong and protect yourself

ChaToilLeam · 14/07/2021 22:55

OP, ditch him forthwith! He would be the most appalling cocklodger, what a CF. Who cares if he doesn’t take it well. Block his number and move on.

Babyfg · 14/07/2021 22:58

Drugs tests off the internet not drugs 🤦‍♀️

Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 23:13

I have deleted his number and any signs of him on my phone as I know I would be so tempted to call him. Last week I was ready to leave him but he just twisted everything and made me feel stupid. Tomorrow when he contacts me I am going to be straight forward with him and tell him it’s not working.

He has already told me once before that if I ever leave him and he spirals out of control not to feel as though it’s my fault and not to feel sorry for him!

He was with me on the weekend and I told him that it upsets me when he disappears as I get suspicious he does drugs and he was being so convincing on Monday before he went saying he promises he will never do it again etc and it’s weds and he has!!! So obviously he does not care about my feelings. He was also guilt tripping me saying that he spends every single penny of his on me (he gets paid weekly) and if he wanted to do drugs he wouldn’t come to mine on the weekend and instead do drugs

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Original poster

Loui98 · 14/07/2021 23:13

@Babyfg

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