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Original poster

Lying over contact with his ex wife

61 replies

leonda · 14/07/2021 08:58

My husband has lied many times over contact with his ex wife .
They have two children and it was a very acrimonious divorce (many years before he met me )

I admit I have been very 'jealous ' over any contact he has with her while we've been together which has ended in many arguments .

I've recently snooped on his phone as he was acting shady when I walked in room and found messages between them (regarding children , nothing untoward)

I asked him point blank if he'd been in contact with her and he looked me in the eye and said no. I then admitted to snooping and told him he was a liar . He went mental at me for snooping and said it was for an easy life .

I've just found out she's lied again about contact with her .

So what I'm asking is it me who's in the wrong for being absolutely fuming he's lied about contact with her or is he justified in lying to keep the peace ?

I'm ready to be slated if needs be . Thanks

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 14/07/2021 09:00

You are completely in the wrong. No wonder he lies to you.

Hanger0n · 14/07/2021 09:01

Maybe he's telling the truth. He did it for an easy life because you have been very jealous and caused endless arguments?

Honeybeebloom · 14/07/2021 09:01

I think you're beinh really controlling to be honest. You're saying there's nothing untoward in it and they are just discussing their children, surely that's necessary for a sound co-parenting relationship and yet you just don't want him to talk to her at all? He shouldn't be lying about it but you shouldn't have an issue with them communicating about their children.

Shodan · 14/07/2021 09:04

How did you think they were going to make arrangements for their children if you didn't allow him contact with her?

He shouldn't have lied- he should have told you that there was going to be contact between him and his ex wife, for the children, and let you combust if necessary. You have no right to tell him he can't contact the mother of his children.

Houseofvelour · 14/07/2021 09:04

Of course he's going to lie if you go mad at him every time he talks to her about THEIR children. How else are they meant to coparent?

You need to sit down with him, apologise for being jealous and tell him that of course contact about children is fine but he needs to be honest.
And for gods sake, don't snoop through his phone.

Ladybug123 · 14/07/2021 09:04

He’s discussing their children with the mother of his children. What on EARTH is there to be angry about?

Ladybug123 · 14/07/2021 09:06

Look he shouldn’t have lied but I suspect your jealously over something he needs to do to healthily co-parent is why.

Proudmumtoday · 14/07/2021 09:06

How’s he supposed to communicate about his children with his ex wife?

You’re out of order.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 14/07/2021 09:10

Your Dh is trying to be a responsible dad to his dc and you are trying to prevent that. You will not win over his DC and if you do is that really a man you want to be with?

Has he cheated on you or given you a reason not to trust him?

Gazelda · 14/07/2021 09:12

He shouldn't have lied. But I understand why he did it. You've put him in an impossible position - if he is open about contacting his ex you get jealous. If he hides his contact you get angry at the cover up.

Would you rather he didn't contact her?

PaterPower · 14/07/2021 09:13

So on the one hand it would have been healthier if, the last time you demanded he didn’t speak to her, he’d had the strength of character to say “you’re being unreasonable, and I will contact her from time to time about the kids. Like it or lump it”

On the other hand, if he was getting continual grief from you about this then I can see why taking the ‘don’t tell’ approach would be attractive.

Just out of interest, how did you think he was making the arrangements to pick his DC up etc?

TheNameTheWebsiteForgot · 14/07/2021 09:14

My DP stays at his ex wifes house for two nights every month.

You either trust them, or you don't.

Radio4ordie · 14/07/2021 09:17

You are being very odd here…he needs to talk to his ex wife about their children. You need to do a complete attitude change about this and he obviously needs to be honest.

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 09:26

Why would you be jealous of his contact with his ex wife when they have children together? I don't get that. Unless they are jetting off on family holidays and fun evenings out without you they need to be in contact because of the children. This will never change.
Plus she is, at the end of the day, the mother of his dc and if he is a decent man will always in some way look out for her.
This does not mean he still loves her and doesn't love you, its just the way it is when people with dc seperate. They will still be in each others lives, at least while the dc are dependants.

I think you need to sit down with him and both of you talk this through, and you need to understand that this communication has to happen.
He hasn't sent any messages other than over the dc, so he is not doing anything wrong or abnormal at all.

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 09:31

You need to give a bit more information.

When you say you were jealous before, what is it you were jealous of. Did you discover texts that were inappropriate and hit the roof, so now any contact makes you anxious?

Otherwise, what made you jealous before, was two parents talking about a child. And that shouldn't be a cause for jealousy. So you need to ask yourself if this was the case from the start, why this has prompted jealous feelings within you.

litterbird · 14/07/2021 09:31

You commented on someone else's post that you are getting the courage together to leave your husband. Are you just looking for an excuse to leave? If you are you dont have to snoop on your husbands phone who is trying to co parent for an excuse to exit the marriage. If you are unhappy then go. You dont have children together according to your other post. If you cant handle your husband and his ex then stop what you are doing and get your ducks in a row and be gone.

User1357 · 14/07/2021 09:32

You are 100% wrong.

You are controlling and unreasonable. Honestly, who the hell fo you think you are making contact with his children’s mother difficult? That is insanity.

I don’t even know what to suggest as this is just so incredibly abnormal and stems from so many negative emotions.

Rosewaitcarpark · 14/07/2021 09:32

OP, do you have insecurities perhaps? What are you worried about exactly? That he doesn't love you enough? Because it is quite normal for divorced parents to discuss matters concerning their children. Really, you should feel happy to be with a man who is willing to get along with their ex following an acrimonious parting. Cut him some slack.

Original poster
leonda · 14/07/2021 09:52

To clarify the kids are 13 and 17 so in my opinion can arrange contact themselves .
She messages him for no reason imo.

Regarding my previous post about leaving that's a seperate issue as the relationship can be toxic but I'm taking some blame for that due to the way I act ? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 09:54

She messages him for no reason imo.

So what does she message him?

13yr olds can text their father, for a chat. They can't be left to independently decide when they are to be picked up and dropped off, that's the parent's conversation.

Ughmaybenot · 14/07/2021 09:55

You sound like a controlling nightmare, and you’re being utterly unreasonable. Yes, if we take the black and white view, lying is wrong but, fuck me, if I was your husband, I’d lie too.

Rosewaitcarpark · 14/07/2021 09:57

These messages for no reason, can you give an example?

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 14/07/2021 09:59

YABU Op… they still need contact regarding the kids…. They’ve got something in common- their children. They always will do….. I’m saying it from a step parent perspective here as well.

Lan2020 · 14/07/2021 10:01

If he's just messaging about the children then I don't see the issue. In fact it should be encouraged for him to have conversations with his ex wife regarding their children. I speak with my exH about our son and think that the fact we can do so amicably is a sign we are both content and moved on. My partner speaks with his exW about their son and I have encouraged him at times to communicate more/be more helpful.
Unless the messages are inappropriate then you have no reason to complain. It'll create stress between you and result in him feeling he needs to lie.

MrsBertBibby · 14/07/2021 10:02

Parenting is about a lot more than organising contact.

Me and my partner are still regularly in communication with our respective 17 year olds other parents. I don't imagine comms will cease until we die. Very much not either of our favourite activities but it's what must be done if you don't want to be a failure of a parent.

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