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Original poster

Lying over contact with his ex wife

61 replies

leonda · 14/07/2021 08:58

My husband has lied many times over contact with his ex wife .
They have two children and it was a very acrimonious divorce (many years before he met me )

I admit I have been very 'jealous ' over any contact he has with her while we've been together which has ended in many arguments .

I've recently snooped on his phone as he was acting shady when I walked in room and found messages between them (regarding children , nothing untoward)

I asked him point blank if he'd been in contact with her and he looked me in the eye and said no. I then admitted to snooping and told him he was a liar . He went mental at me for snooping and said it was for an easy life .

I've just found out she's lied again about contact with her .

So what I'm asking is it me who's in the wrong for being absolutely fuming he's lied about contact with her or is he justified in lying to keep the peace ?

I'm ready to be slated if needs be . Thanks

OP posts:

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 10:03

OP. If you'd said, DH, don't have a big lunch, I'm making a lovely 3 course meal as a date night.

He then came home, and enjoyed your meal and ate it all.

You then went through his phone a couple of days later and saw he'd had a big business lunch that day. Would this make you fuming because he's lied?

His actions didn't affect the time you wanted together. But technically he did lie that he didn't have a lunch when he did. But he's old enough to know he's done nothing wrong because he's had an essential work lunch, and still enjoyed dinner with you. He can't avoid the work lunch on the basis you thought it might spoil your dinner, when he knows himself that it won't. He does know you'll kick off if he says he's unavoidably having it, so he doesn't.

Is that something you would then be fuming about because he's lied?

bg21 · 14/07/2021 10:09

he needs to leave you, you sound batshit and toxic

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/07/2021 10:12

My DC are 13 and 15 and I am in contact with their dad most days. We both have partners but we are parents first and the fact that their parent's marriage broke down isn't their fault. They deserve two parents in their lives who communicate and have their best interests at heart. My marriage ended due to my ex's affair so I have worked damn hard to be able to co-parent well with him. Not because I want to be with him but because it's what our children deserve.

So I think you are being unreasonable. I don't lie to my partner about my contact with my ex but he could look at the messages anytime if he so wished and would see that they are all about the children.

TiredButDancing · 14/07/2021 10:14

My word, you do sound a little crazy. One assumes you've been with him for a while, since his children were much younger, but you've always had an issue with him engaging with his ex wife about them? How weird are you? No wonder he hides it from you if you are going to be this irrational.

And no, I don't think the children are so old that there needs to be no contact between their parents. even if they were adults, I'd expect there still to be some contact. DH's parents are regularly in touch when need be and he and his siblings are all in their 40s.

booboo24 · 14/07/2021 10:15

You are being controlling, and seem to have no idea about responsible co parenting!!! My youngest is 13, she texts her dad or rings him for a chat but the arrangements are definitely between him and I, (she'd say yes to anything without giving a thought to what plans I may have made or vice versa!) Even our 19 year old told him to sort their holiday plans out with me as she was discussing it with him and then coming to me so it was easier for he and I to sort it. My ex and I are friends, we co parent quite happily and to be honest, if my partner or his had a problem with that then I'm afraid it would be tough luck. My fiance has a similar relationship with his ex, they co parent amicably.

I truly don't understand why you're so upset by this at all, yes he shouldn't have lied but I can see why he did

starskey80 · 14/07/2021 10:15

Eh 13 and 17 still need to have their parents involved in their lives.
Things like school, their sports/clubs, simply how they are getting on in life ect.

You sound extremely jealous and controlling and he should end it.

Wrotten · 14/07/2021 10:18

I'd lie to you, too.

SprayedWithDettol · 14/07/2021 10:18

You do know your behaviour is entirely inappropriate OP?

Atalune · 14/07/2021 10:31

Wrong wrong wrong.

Why don’t you trust him?

Honeybeebloom · 14/07/2021 10:41

Even if they were of an age that they could arrange their own contact (which may be the case for the 17 year old but not the 13 year old), good co-parents would still be communicating- if one of the children was struggling with something at school and discussing how they could support them for example, or even just to keep them in the loop if something has happened while they were with the other parent, that's just good parenting.

lexocet · 14/07/2021 10:52

I know someone like you, @leonda who is very jealous of her DH's ex wife despite the fact that it was the ex-wife who instigated the divorce several years before. The problem she has is essentially that she sees herself as the 'second', she didn't get to him first. Also combined with having a few daddy issues as her father had cheated on her mother more than once.
She's pushing 40 with a young child. She wanted to have the fairy tale life, to be 'the one' with whom a man would fall in love with for the first and only time in his life.
Could that be your issue?

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 14/07/2021 12:11

My dc are in their late teens so adults but I still speak to their dad with thing to do with them. They are both still in education so most of our contact is about that but occasionally we might chat about something else but it will stem from talking about our children that we co parent together.

Mumoblue · 14/07/2021 12:19

If someone asks me if I’ve spoken to my ex recently and we’ve only exchanged messages about DC, I would say “no”. Because I don’t really count arranging contact as talking to him.

YABU to get jealous over messages regarding kids. If the messages weren’t about the kids I’d say you have a right to be annoyed, but you have no place interfering with co-parenting.

ArthurBloom · 14/07/2021 12:24

I am not your husband, but just reading this thread, even I want to lie to you.

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2021 12:27

You are absolutely unreasonable. Do you want to pretend she doesn't exist at all?

aboutbloodytime123 · 14/07/2021 12:27

If there isn't a back story here then you definitely need to think about why this has become such a fixation for you. I speak to my exH about the kids all the time. I don't hide it from my DP but equally he doesn't ask me about it - he understands its necessary admin and nothing more than that.

Canigooutyet · 14/07/2021 12:33

He needs to do himself and his dc a favour and wave you good bye.
Who do you think you are snooping on his phone? He is allowed his privacy and doesn't have to tell you everything. You said yourself the texts are about his children. Would you prefer if they also disappeared? It's beneficial for his children to have parents who can communicate without animosity.

I suggest you go and deal with your lack of trust issues.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/07/2021 12:51

Sorry if you marry someone with a history and baggage— that doesn’t simply disappear. My ex husband married someone who clearly thought like you and she made things very awkward for me for years (my ex had the boys too with him) she turned them against me, and was very very unfair. If I had my time again I wouldn’t have let my perfectly reasonable husband have the main custody simply because of the possibility of them getting together with someone who has your attitude— sorry he lies because you are insecure and unrealistic.

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 13:14

If someone asks me if I’ve spoken to my ex recently and we’ve only exchanged messages about DC, I would say “no”. Because I don’t really count arranging contact as talking to him.

That's exactly how I'd think.

Onthedunes · 14/07/2021 13:15

Wouldn't it be good just to airbrush his past marriage and children out of your life.

I unfortunately don't think you will ever be fully happy within this relationship as you do not have the understanding to put the children before yourself.

His poor children having to be hidden away and lied about so you are not offended. You are being very immature and short sighted about this, your entire life will involve his children and you should be doing everything you can to accomodate his ease of contact with them.

Think about how they will view you, if you disallow his contact with his ex wife the children will see it as you disallowing their father from seeing them.

They are children, you are not.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/07/2021 14:33

Are you by any chance closer in age to your husband's eldest child than to your husband himself?

To echo all PPs: yes, you are absolutely in the wrong here.

This relationship sounds bad all round for everyone involved. I haven't read your other threads - but leaving sounds like the best thing for you, him, and his children.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 14/07/2021 14:36

Poor kids, how awful to have some one like you in their lives.

AlternativePerspective · 14/07/2021 14:39

If my DP started going through my phone and then started gaslighting me to try to catch me out in a lie I would A, have lied too, and B, end the relationship.

RaginaPhalange · 14/07/2021 14:44

So they're to allowed to have contact about THEIR children? How else do you expect them to be in contact? Because they need to be regardless.
You seem very controlling and tbh no wonder he lied if you can't control your jealousy.

Loveabitofrain · 14/07/2021 16:19

I have had similar issues (kids much older) and the messages were never ever sexual but crossed a line I was not comfortable with (he’d tell her if we had issues - not on!).

She would make him feel guilty at every single opportunity. That wasn’t his fault. She simply couldn’t let him go.

Men do like an easy life and I do think from what you’ve said you need to let this go.

Make your peace with it or it’ll turn your marriage toxic.

It tore my relationship apart so please just let it be xx

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