Lying over contact with his ex wife

[leonda]

My husband has lied many times over contact with his ex wife .
They have two children and it was a very acrimonious divorce (many years before he met me )

I admit I have been very 'jealous ' over any contact he has with her while we've been together which has ended in many arguments .

I've recently snooped on his phone as he was acting shady when I walked in room and found messages between them (regarding children , nothing untoward)

I asked him point blank if he'd been in contact with her and he looked me in the eye and said no. I then admitted to snooping and told him he was a liar . He went mental at me for snooping and said it was for an easy life .

I've just found out she's lied again about contact with her .

So what I'm asking is it me who's in the wrong for being absolutely fuming he's lied about contact with her or is he justified in lying to keep the peace ?

I'm ready to be slated if needs be . Thanks

Of course he’s in contact with her, they have children. Yes, they’re old enough to ask him stuff themselves now but there’s a lot of stuff that needs to be adult to adult - contact, maintenance, schooling… it’s unreasonable to assume they do not communicate at all.
I believe he has misunderstood your meaning of “in contact”.

Why were you already jealous? I don’t give my husband’s ex a second thought. She’s of no interest to me at all if the DC are healthy and okay.

I’ve never checked his phone or even considered it.

If you don’t trust him, invade his privacy and he goes “mental” then just call time. It’s no way to live for either of you. Sounds exhausting.

You're controlling, unreasonable and a snoop. I would lie to you if I were your spouse. (Actually, I'd leave you if you were my spouse.)

@leonda just because you think the children are able to make plans doesn't mean it's right.

Children/ teens aren't the best at communicating especially with their parents. They don't like letting one down etc.

You want them to act more grown up than you and your dp.

I have teens who hate making contact plans, which they only have to do because their dad has decided since his new child that we don't need to communicate.

There is no reason unless abuse that parents can't communicate. Being insecure & jealous is ridiculous.
Parents are expected to attend college & school events to support their children still at that age, he shouldn't of lied but you are the issue.

To answer your question you are so wrong I'm not even sure where to start. If I was your husband I wouldn't need to lie to you to avoid your ridiculous jealousy, because I wouldn't still be living with you.

Echoing everything all PP have said, they are parents, they have children, they have to communicate about their children (no matter how old they are), and they will always be in touch because there are children. I have a child with my ex, my partner has a child with their ex, both of our children are in their late teens, it is necessary for each of us to be in contact with the other parent very regularly. Teenagers do not communicate effectively, do not make arrangements effectively, and regularly forget extremely important information. Because they are not adults. But you are supposed to be one.

That's disgusting behaviour. Let the man speak to his ex wife about his kids or anything else! You don't own him.

And ftr I don't like my ex and I still talk to him about my adult child sometimes and quite often about my younger teens. If any boyfriend had any issues I would split with him. I've had enough of healiys partners (when I've been innocent all along).

Wind tour neck in @leonda

I spoke to my exp just today to ask if he could have a look at something in my house that's broken because he's in that trade. We had a short chat about our son and he's in his twenties, we're still his parents, why shouldn't we chat about him occasionally? It didn't occur to me for one minute his partner might have a problem with it, we seperated a long time ago after all. Would you prefer to be with some arse who doesn't bother with his childen? Your jealousy will drive him away in the end if you arent careful.

You are in a relationship with a man with an exwife and kids, if you can´t take it, get out. His kids should be a priority, you come second.

Do you have any children yourself?

There is lots parents have to discuss such as health, schooling, contact, hobbies, friends. It's healthy that both parents discuss it

It is absolutely normal, and right, for parents to discuss matters relating to the care of their DC. Whilst it reduces as DC get older, in my experience it only stops completely once they are older teenagers, espcially once they can drive and aren't reliant on parents for lifts (and that's if there are no real problems - I imagine if your DC has health issues, or a problem with their education for example, then you'd keep talking longer).

You are entirely unreasonable to think he shouldn't talk to his Ex. Whilst I can't condone lying, you should never have put him in the position that he felt it necessary to pretend he wasn't talking to his Ex.

Please take a breath and look at what your real concern is.... why do you think you can't trust him?