Am I being disrespectful??

[Izzy2021]

So it’s my birthday… today! My bf who I’ve been with a year didn’t plan anything or get anything for me. I dropped him to the station last night to go home and he messaged me at 9pm saying oh we should have had a drink or something.
I told him 9pm is too late and it’s not acceptable to start making plans at that time.
Today I finished work at 9.30 and he said we should get a drink and I said I couldn’t collect him (he doesn’t drive) and he said have a good night then. He messaged me at 10am saying he loved me and would I like to get food at the weekend but I made plans with my kids as he left it too late.
He then acted surprised that I was disappointed so I told him minimal effort and wishy washy interest is not gonna work for me. And even my daughter managed to get me a card!
He then responds: you’re disrespecting me trying to make me look bad. However I never swore or lost my cool just stated what’s on my mind.
And he finally responded ‘that’s the last time you disrespect me’.

Now my question is: am I being a brat or disrespectful? And what are your thoughts about this situation or interaction?

He is a pathetic waste of space.

It isn't about respect to not be available to his demands.

He HAS seen you. He just chose to look after only himself.

End it.

@SugarbabyMilly

He's turning it back on you. He sounds like a loser, man-child.

Why doesn't he drive? Unless there's a medical reason that would be a red flag for me.

He sounds like a prick and OP should definitely break up with him.

But your comment re driving is so odd! Red flag isn't synonymous with 'something I would find a turn off / would put me off'. Red flag means a warning sign for a potentially toxic / abusive person. Not just someone who isn't your type...

Op seriously I hope you Ltb. He isn't worthy of your time.

Is he 15?

Run like the wind. Anyone who accused me of "disrespecting" me would see me disappearing out the door so far, their head would spin. He screwed up and is now making it your problem.

Please please please see this for what it is - a lazy, manipulative man who wants it all his way

(I'd put money on the fact that you often have to lift him around at times that are inconvenient to you? That you have been "encouraged" to adapt or change your plans/behaviour etc on a regular basis to suit him? that you do all the running around and making things happen? It works for him because until now, you could be convinced that was normal and okay. But a birthday is the one day that even the most downtrodden of women knows really should involve at least a little effort from her partner.... and so the scales start to fall from your eyes).

Dump this immature twat!

Please tell me this is your ex boyfriend

What a dim twat OP.

Bin.

He sounds awful OP, find someone who wants to do those kind things for you.

Happy Birthday! It's my birthday today.
Honestly, that's appaulling and I would be seriously rethinking the relationship if I was you.
I prefer to have a birthday week rather than a birthday day. I invite you to join me - please treat every day this week like its your birthday and spoil yourself. I hope you have a great birthday weekend with your kids!!

Respect is earned dickhead.

Also full disclosure I learnt to drive v late in life. But I always made my own way to various places because I am a grown up and my travel arrangements were my responsibility.

I think of men that jump suddenly and for no apparent reason to the term "disrespectful" (rather than something generic like "rude" or "insulting") as a massive red flag tbh. I see it as linked to men who have less than favourable views about women and how they should relate to men.

@aSofaNearYou I agree entirely. When I hear a man use a term like “disrespect” it’s a red flag. Smacks of a certain type of website.

I love these responses! Sometimes you do question yourself (like is it me being an arsehole?). But I just needed that validation that he was manipulating me to believe that I was in fact in the wrong. I’m now waiting for the grovelling apology that usually comes with his useless arse after he’s pissed me off. I’m a single parent and it gets quite lonely at times and I think I just lowered my standards far too much this time. I’ve slept on it and I definitely want to end it now - not even because of the lack of card or whatever but because of the manipulation and shutting me down when I’m honest about my thoughts - and mostly because of his last comment which was aggressive and threatening. Thank you all! Btw he is 34 and I am 38 x

Dumping the idiot.
Best birthday present you could give yourself.

Happy birthday 🍰

@MotionActivatedDog

And he finally responded ‘that’s the last time you disrespect me’.

That sounds scarily like a threat!

This is what I came on here to say. Birthday aside, and you weren't wrong in expecting minimal effort on the day, this is the sort of thing that blokes like him escalate.

I would dump him, for that, by itself.

Definitely not a brat - he is though. Not even a card ?! Get rid!

Will you dumping him also count as disrespect?

@Izzy2021

You go girl 🎉🎂🎈🥂💕

Good call OP, great to hear you sounding so strong and decisive. I'd be having a little think about the comment you made about being a bit lonely if I were you, anything you could do to combat that so you don't lower your bar again? A new interest or other means of increasing your circle and finding some time for yourself?

It's often the people who least deserve respect who demand it most (in relationships at least) - like it's a right, instead of something to be earned and maintained, and reciprocated.

In the bin he goes.

Yes this is the last time I'm going to disrespect you....you're dumped, would be my answer to that one.

He sounds scary and threatening to me. He's the one in the wrong, and he's trying to turn it around on you. You did nothing wrong. Please leave this man, he is inconsiderate and uncaring about your birthday, and also now gaslighting and scary.

Thanks again guys, I recently moved and I’m trying to make friends but I’m a bit shy! Im not even sure how to make friends these days with corona! I have very little interest in meeting any men unless it’s a real life James Bond! 😂😂 maybe I should get out more! Love you all guys xx

It's hard isn't it and even more of a minefield in a pandemic! Don't know if it appeals but there seems to be a lot more community stuff happening since covid, lots of FB groups doing stuff like food and clothing donations for families who are struggling, listening services/friendship cafes, help with shopping if folk are isolating etc, I've done a few bits of volunteer work and met some really lovely people. Just an idea, exercise is the other one, I saw a group of women doing a boot camp type thing in the park the other day and it actually looked kind of fun Or Park Run? I kind of fancy that but I'd have to walk Worth having a think about what appeals to you anyway, being busy is a good way to avoid getting sucked in by arseholes at the very least