Thinking of leaving a "nice" but depressed husband - anyone been in the same boat?

[tillytills]

I'm considering leaving my husband, it's something I've thought about many times in the past but I feel differently this time, I feel closer to doing it than I've ever done. Thing is he suffers with depression and isn't a bad guy, I just feel tired and numb being with someone who is so un-socialable and unhappy all of the time. Our marriage isn't bad but he struggles coping with our children, age 2 and 5. It just makes for a very stressed unhappy home. Recently he was unwell with a bug and stayed in the spare room for two and half days solid day and night. I enjoyed him not being around and I felt like me and the children were happier and things just ran so much smoother.
I don't want to hurt him and I'm worried how he will cope with me leaving but I wonder if it will be better in the long run for everyone. His earns very little so financially I wouldnt be any worse off, I am the main earner. I know he could manage financially with the help of his mother although he would have to cope with a smaller house etc but he would be OK.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If he was an arse it would be so much easier to leave!

You can't just stay in a marriage because the person is "nice".
If you think what your life will be for the next what, 40-50 years staying with him...does that make you happy?.

In sickness and in health... Hmm...

Couldn't you help him get better?

I guess if you've tried and he hasn't helped himself then you've done what you can.

Also you may end up having to give him maintenance if you earn more.

Is he being treated for his depression?
Living with a depressed husband is very very hard, I totally sympathise with you.
Once the right balance of medication and/or therapy is found, things do get better.
But it's is a very long and difficult road and only you can decide if you have the strength & energy to walk this path with him.
There is no right or wrong answer. You don't have to sacrifice your own happiness for him.
But his unhappiness might also only be a temporary situation x

In sickness and in health... Hmm...Couldn't you help him get better?

Hollow laugh here. If you have a partner with depression who will not take steps to help themselves, you can't help them to get better.

I tried to "help" my exH give up smoking once, when he needed to for his health but didn't really want to. It worked just as well as my attempt to help him with depression. We were both miserable for years, but at least his misery was his own, while mine was all centred on him.

OP, did you see this recent thread Want a different life to my husband? It's worth reading the lot. Some really thoughtful comments about how you can only make your own happiness, and should not feel guilty about ending a relationship which is making you unhal

Posted too soon!
You should not feel guilty about ending a relationship which is making you unhappy. You don't have to justify it. You are free to end it.

Hollow laugh here. If you have a partner with depression who will not take steps to help themselves, you can't help them to get better.

That's why I said "I guess if you've tried and he hasn't helped himself you've done what you can"

Depression is an illness. Yes you shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't want to seek help but I don't see what's wrong with asking if the OP has even tried to help.

Is he on any medication for this? Does his low mood bother him?

He has struggled with it for years, it's always here, it's been the most constant since we had children. He has been on medication, had therapy, changed jobs. Every year I think to myself next year might be different but it never is. He's generally low all the time even though he says himself he has nothing to be low about. I feel as though perhaps I am the cause for his unhappiness as I do "get at him a lot", I feel constantly frustrated and resentful he can't manage better at life so we can enjoy life together more. It's quite a complicated situation but he always wants more / better etc but isn't capable of fulfilling those desires which then makes him depressed, he has hardly any friends and isn't great around people. But..... he would do absolutely anything for me and go without himself if it was what I wanted. He is fantastic with our kids when he's not overwhelmed or stressed but even the smallest thing in life he finds overwhelming and is therefore stressed a lot.
I just can't see how he will ever improve enough for me not to be frustrated / resentful which will forever be a vicious cycle. We do have a lot going on in our life all the time in terms of me running my business and doing up our house etc. There is a chance that soon our life could be a bit less chaotic and he could be better I guess but I just think the chance is slim and as we are looking to move soon buying a second property I suddenly see it as a way out.
In answer to the questions,

1. No thinking of my life in years to come fills me with dread that it will never change.
2. I feel like I've tried to help in any way I feel capable. Why will I have to pay him maintenance? If the kids are living with me. Sorry if that is a stupid question.
3. The depression has been around to varying degrees, noticeably for 10 years, we've been married for 8 and together for 13.
4. Medication, he hasn't got on well with, he found it just made him numb and he didn't like it, preferred counselling which helps sometimes on the day for a short while. It bothers him immensely but he says he can't help it.

I think us together is the problem, I expect/want too much from him and it shows, he then always feels he is not good enough in everything he does. I feel what I want / need from him is not a lot to ask but it's just too much for him. He can't work full time, earn more than minimum wage, can't manage looking after the kids for longer than a few hours on his own, he is forgetful, unsociable, often bitter. Some of this is because of his depression I'm sure but I just find it so so hard.

It is as I say a vicious cycle, he deserves to be happier, he's a grafter, he's been working on our house himself for five years doing it up which has been a strain on our relationship but he was depressed before so I cant see why after we move and he doesn't have that burden he would be any better.
What an essay... there's a lot to get off my chest

It is possible, but perhaps not common, for longstanding depression to treated and fixed. So i suppose one question to ask yourself is if he did get some real help and actually improve his mental health in a permanent way would that change things for you? If it would, then maybe it would be worth letting him know how close you are to ending things and see if he would be up getting more serious support as part of a last-ditch attempt to salvage things. Even if it meant living apart for 6/12 months and then reassessing, with no promises on your part.

It is of course 100% your call and you need to do what you feel is best for you and your children's futures. It's just that sometimes there can be a grass is greener situation and people end up regretting leaving a decent but flawed partner (I'm not referring to abusive or nasty partners, they should always be left). It sounds very tough for you though

Couldn't you help him get better?

Do you think the op's life is a movie? Some silly romcon where everything turns out perfectly and happy ever after? Give me and her a fucking break. If her husband refuses to help himself it's over.

Op, I've read all of your updates, and there is no hope for this relationship. Get out before your kids are permanently affected by this dynamic.

OP thank you for your post, I could have written this word for word! It is completely exhausting and I feel like my dh has drained the soul from me. We are starting counselling today but I think really I just want it to be over. He’s a lovely kind person but just can’t cope with life and I feel this comes at the expense of my life. My gran died last night and it’s made life feel very short. I hope you are able to find happiness.

Has he been tested for other conditions? It sounds pretty extreme.

Did he try various different types of ADs or give up when the first didn't work as he wanted? Is it possible that your support is what is enabling him to live at this very basic level without getting proper medical help? I'm thinking along the same lines as the poster above who said that if he sees how serious it is, he might finally seek a more effective form of treatment and maybe even make it over the hill. Except that the serious scenario I'm imagining is you actually leaving him.

While you see yourself as nagging him and being the cause of his depression, I see you as someone who is supporting him so hard that you are enabling him to live as he is - in what other world would he get by living on only just the minimum wage and locking himself away for days, not looking after his children?

You say yourself that he's always been depressed, so it is clearly not your fault. When did it start? When he was a teenager? Anyone would find this behaviour hard to deal with. You've been incredibly kind to him - too kind! Stop blaming yourself.

@Aquamarine1029

Couldn't you help him get better?

Do you think the op's life is a movie? Some silly romcon where everything turns out perfectly and happy ever after? Give me and her a fucking break. If her husband refuses to help himself it's over.

Op, I've read all of your updates, and there is no hope for this relationship. Get out before your kids are permanently affected by this dynamic.

I asked this before OP detailed what she had done to try to help so do get off your fucking high horse.

OP sounds like you're not compatible. He deserves someone who is not going to keep 'getting at him' and constantly treat him like he's a disappointment and you sound like you've put in all you're capable of.

"He is fantastic with our kids when he's not overwhelmed or stressed but even the smallest thing in life he finds overwhelming and is therefore stressed a lot"

This same man disappeared into a room for 2.5 days solid when he was unwell. You yourself wrote that the household ran smoother without him and you enjoyed him not being around.

I doubt very much that he is fantastic with the kids; it is you who is the lynchpin here who holds this family unit together.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. What are they going to remember the most about their childhood?. Is this the relationship model you want to be showing them, no it is not. And its not good enough for you either.

I massively appreciate all the replies on here and apologies for not responding to all the points.
I barely slept last night thinking about it all.
@Yepyes you are right I don't think we are compatible, I wonder if we ever were. I saw the signs early on, I just thought it would get better but it hasn't and I've become more resentful. I know I have played a part in how he feels about himself and life, I wish I could change my mindset and behave differently myself, I have tried.
He is a good guy, he's been through a lot in life and tries his best. I want us all to be happier but I don't know what is the right decision.
Perhaps separating for a period would be a good idea like others have mentioned. I'm planning on seeing a counsellor myself for the first time to try and get a clearer view on it all. We have tried relationship counselling in the past but didn't seem to get anywhere. There's been talk of him being on the spectrum by healthcare professionals but he's never been given a diagnosis despite filling in forms they give out etc.

Someone with severe depression like this really needs to be seeing a psychiatrist full time and perhaps receive intensive inpatient help. If he's on the spectrum as is suspected in your last post then all the more reason to be under a doctor's care. My SN adult child needed inpatient help in adolescence to get stabilized and fine tune his maintenance Rx. It really sounds like separation is best thing for you and your children. Best of luck @tillytills

@Yepyes

Hollow laugh here. If you have a partner with depression who will not take steps to help themselves, you can't help them to get better.

That's why I said "I guess if you've tried and he hasn't helped himself you've done what you can"

Depression is an illness. Yes you shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't want to seek help but I don't see what's wrong with asking if the OP has even tried to help.

Sorry @Yepyes, I did see your caveat there and intended to say more - but hit 'Post' by accident and didn't finish properly. I wasn't meaning to get at you as you did indeed note that it is different if the depressed person is trying to improve things. It was a response from the heart based on personal experience, rather than a measured response to what you actually wrote.

Thank you for your input and the link to that thread too. I'll definitely read through it

@ravenmum

Has he been tested for other conditions? It sounds pretty extreme.

Did he try various different types of ADs or give up when the first didn't work as he wanted? Is it possible that your support is what is enabling him to live at this very basic level without getting proper medical help? I'm thinking along the same lines as the poster above who said that if he sees how serious it is, he might finally seek a more effective form of treatment and maybe even make it over the hill. Except that the serious scenario I'm imagining is you actually leaving him.

He's often mentioned to his GP about other conditions, I think he had some kind of analysis through the NHS but didn't identify anything. His counsellor also thought there might be something although I can't remember what now. He was very disappointed when nothing came of it via his GP ad he said he would have liked an explanation for how he is, he could have then made more sense of it all. It's strange hearing you say it sounds extreme because it's become so normal to me I don't think of it to this degree.

He had tried quite a few ADs. I think he just doesn't know where to go for help, I'm unsure too tbh.

I have a big concern that me leaving him may tip him over the edge.

Out of the blue yesterday he sent me a message while at work saying he wants to find a new counsellor who might be able to help him cope better with the children, he hates that he finds it so hard. He also told me he hates himself and who he is which he has said many times before, it's very upsetting to hear.

Does he contribute to life at all? Does he work, have friends? How old is he now?
You aren’t responsible for him but I know that easy to say and act on.
No one is depressed all the time - research has show that it can lift without medication.
Does he want to improve - what does he do to help himself.
I think it’s true some people struggle to cope with life and children.
It’s not you although you maybe enabling him.
You can leave him - you’ve given him a lot of leeway - you don’t want this to be your future and that’s ok.
How does he relate to others?

Re his messages - do you think he has noticed your pulling away? Is he manipulating you possibly?
Have you looked a systematic family therapy - it’s couples counselling - you could look at this is there was a chance you’d stay or give it another go.

He works part time and works on renovating our house on the other days. He's always struggled at work, not getting on with his boss or finding what he was doing too overwhelming. His work situation has gradually got worse over the years, I think as life got tougher in terms of more responsibilities kids, own home etc he then found work harder.
He has very few friends and feels they're more acquaintances than friends, he's always struggled in that way. He told me he had almost no friends through school and made very few at uni.
He's mid 30's.
He says he wants to improve but doesn't know how, as meds and counselling haven't worked for him.
He often feels jealous of others. He thinks everyone else finds life easy or far easier than him and the fact he doesn't have friends to talk to about the kids being tough for example makes him think he's the only one who finds it hard at times.
I do feel like I've painted a bad picture of him, everything I've said is of course true but he would do anything for the people he cares about.

@Whydidimarryhim

Re his messages - do you think he has noticed your pulling away? Is he manipulating you possibly? Have you looked a systematic family therapy - it’s couples counselling - you could look at this is there was a chance you’d stay or give it another go.

Sorry I posted the above before seeing your second message. I have 100% not been myself recently and he has definitely picked up on it but I don't think he's manipulating me or not intentially anyway. Giving couples counselling another go would probably be a good idea, trying someone different to last time.