Thinking of leaving a "nice" but depressed husband - anyone been in the same boat?

[tillytills]

I'm considering leaving my husband, it's something I've thought about many times in the past but I feel differently this time, I feel closer to doing it than I've ever done. Thing is he suffers with depression and isn't a bad guy, I just feel tired and numb being with someone who is so un-socialable and unhappy all of the time. Our marriage isn't bad but he struggles coping with our children, age 2 and 5. It just makes for a very stressed unhappy home. Recently he was unwell with a bug and stayed in the spare room for two and half days solid day and night. I enjoyed him not being around and I felt like me and the children were happier and things just ran so much smoother.
I don't want to hurt him and I'm worried how he will cope with me leaving but I wonder if it will be better in the long run for everyone. His earns very little so financially I wouldnt be any worse off, I am the main earner. I know he could manage financially with the help of his mother although he would have to cope with a smaller house etc but he would be OK.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If he was an arse it would be so much easier to leave!

I'd be out the door with the kids, if I were you. Or turf him out.
You owe him nothing and it doesn't sound like he's helping himself.
He's clearly very selfish too and it sounds like he creates chaos at home.
Divorce is the answer here.

Sorry, OP, I think it’s best for you and the children if you separate before it drags you down further.

I’ve had a close-up view of the 20-year marriage of a couple where the DH sounds very like your husband — a kind, gentle and intelligent man, but longterm depressive, low-energy, friendless, unable to cope with his own kids for more than very short periods without explicit instructions, meals left etc, easily overwhelmed, deeply self-pitying, sleeps a lot and is otherwise on the sofa, is disastrously disorganised and forgetful, and makes heavy weather of the littlest thing — his wife carried everything to do with the house and children and life admin while working FT, and ended by having a near nervous breakdown herself.

Once they had agreed he would move out, he did nothing for months until his wife actually started looking at nearby rentals for him, and then he just kept postponing the move and saying he couldn’t cope with buying basic furniture. I don’t think he would have left at all in the end if she hadn’t gritted her teeth and organised connecting utilities and buying stuff. Even once he’d moved out, I think he thought she would be coming over to put together flat pack furniture.

Since they separated, her life has been far better, but the agreed 50/50 residence has turned out to be more like 80/20.

But she wasted 20 years trying to prop him up at the cost of her own MH.

What does he do to help himself lifestyle wise. I mean, does he regularly exercise, eat well, keep regular sleeping hours, meditate/do yoga/truly relax, enjoy hobbies eg reading, art, gardening ... this is key that he takes responsibility himself for his health.

My DH of over 30 years has chronic depression but is well on high dose atypical antidepressants and runs almost daily as well as sings. He has seen a psychiatrist a few times and despite feeling hopeless and suicidal at times has been able to mask or act well enough so that our children feel loved and secure and I believe are unaware of his illness . He has frequently off loaded onto me but has never blamed me fir his negative thinking and I have supported him but also we agree that he is responsible for his feelings and mood given I am a pretty constant type emotionally.

My DH avoids watching too much news as he knows that's a trigger. Does your DH have insight?

Might he have ADHD, rather than depression? The overwlem and frustration can often cause depression. It would explain some of his symptoms and the treatment not being successful. Just a thought.
But ultimately you sound unhappy and have stuck it out for long enough. You sound like you are taking your time to consider things seriously, which is wise.

@SecretDoor

What does he do to help himself lifestyle wise. I mean, does he regularly exercise, eat well, keep regular sleeping hours, meditate/do yoga/truly relax, enjoy hobbies eg reading, art, gardening ... this is key that he takes responsibility himself for his health.

My DH of over 30 years has chronic depression but is well on high dose atypical antidepressants and runs almost daily as well as sings. He has seen a psychiatrist a few times and despite feeling hopeless and suicidal at times has been able to mask or act well enough so that our children feel loved and secure and I believe are unaware of his illness . He has frequently off loaded onto me but has never blamed me fir his negative thinking and I have supported him but also we agree that he is responsible for his feelings and mood given I am a pretty constant type emotionally.

My DH avoids watching too much news as he knows that's a trigger. Does your DH have insight?

Yes he cycles to work which is 15 miles each way, cycles occasionally in his spare time, he's very active. His diet isn't the best but overall its not terrible. He could probably do with spending more time doing hobbies and relaxing more but he feels under pressure to always work on our house in his spare time. Other than that he likes to unwind by having a bath and watching TV. He gets up early, earlier than me most mornings, and will get the kids up if I'm not up already, he does get overwhelmed with them quickly though so I'll join in to help or take over pretty swiftly. He knows that looking after the kids on his own is a trigger.

@sashayaway2021 I have just looked up the signs of ADHD and it's sounds quite likely! I'll look into this a little more, thank you for your opinion.

I was thinking he sounds like he might be on the autistic spectrum. It sounds like he has been hoping for a diagnosis but didn't get one. Is it worth him just assuming that he is autistic and taking steps that autistic people take to manage life, and see if it helps? For example putting in place routines, fixed times for the kids to get dressed, eat breakfast etc, lists of what they need for school stuck up by the door?

That's not to say that you shouldn't leave him of course, as it sounds very wearing.

Yes I was thinking of inattentive ADHD too OP, with the struggling to organise and easily getting overwhelmed. There are lots of threads on here because it often presents differently in women and is under diagnosed but they may be useful anyway.

I have a big concern that me leaving him may tip him over the edge.
The thing is, he might benefit from being tipped, as in it might be what motivates him to be really persistent with doctors and look for another diagnosis, or what makes him give it a proper go with ADs. This was my own experience to some extent, in that I'd suffered from anxiety and low-level depression in the past but never persistently tried to get it dealt with. When I broke up with my exh I was a lot worse and it was taken seriously. I was on ADs for a couple of years only, but the experience was really helpful as it demonstrated to me that I could lead a different life. I've made more effort since to stay healthy, and see that time as having a really positive influence on my life.

When I said it was extreme, I was thinking especially of the effects on your husband - he can't lead a normal life. The breakdown of his marriage is just one relatively minor effect in the grand scheme of things. He and the doctors should be treating his condition as a type of life-restricting disability.

Sounds like his depression stems from his inability to meet the demands of marriage children and home ownership. They don't suit everyone and the root cause of depression can be right in front of you without you being aware. He would possibly be happier if you left. Unlike many depressed people he does not appear to lack motivation and could make a life for himself after the marriage ends.

Couldn't help but pick up on this:

"and the fact he doesn't have friends to talk to about the kids being tough for example makes him think he's the only one who finds it hard at times."

This isn't good. All the paid-for counsellors in the world doesn't make up for not having good friends you can rely on. Does he have any interests or hobbies that help him to make good friends and to generally give his mind some "space"?

@DoorAjar I was like your friend and did everything for my ex. We separated last year and I worried if he might do something silly though he had been emotionally abusing me until I had to leave . Surprise Surprise he has cut his drinking is attending work full time and seeing his adult children ! Before he just wanted to sleep on the sofa and watch TV . It was obviously all my fault ! Think carefully if you want this for years OP . Does he want to change . I wasted so much time x

@Horehound

You can't just stay in a marriage because the person is "nice". If you think what your life will be for the next what, 40-50 years staying with him...does that make you happy?.

You can't just leave a marriage because the person is unwell. You made a commitment to them and you're being selfish and shallow to think of abandoning them.

There, fixed it for you, Horehound.

@Gallowayan

Sounds like his depression stems from his inability to meet the demands of marriage children and home ownership. They don't suit everyone and the root cause of depression can be right in front of you without you being aware. He would possibly be happier if you left. Unlike many depressed people he does not appear to lack motivation and could make a life for himself after the marriage ends.

I agree, it might well be he improves and can manage better on his own as some of the pressures are relieved. Also some relationships create a dynamic of dependency and passiveness in the depressed person that is almost impossible to break whilst still together. That's not blaming either of you, it just happens. I know you are worried about him if you split but you might be surprised at how he copes. And, if it is not too acrimonious, you can still be supportive from a distance.

It really does sound like you have already decided to leave and now it's more about justifying that to yourself, then putting in place the steps to make that happen.

@HotPenguin

I was thinking he sounds like he might be on the autistic spectrum. It sounds like he has been hoping for a diagnosis but didn't get one. Is it worth him just assuming that he is autistic and taking steps that autistic people take to manage life, and see if it helps? For example putting in place routines, fixed times for the kids to get dressed, eat breakfast etc, lists of what they need for school stuck up by the door?

That's not to say that you shouldn't leave him of course, as it sounds very wearing.

Putting more in place like this could help, he wouldn't do it himself mind you not consistently anyway, I've often told him you need to write lists but he says " the problem is I forget to write the list..."

@LoganRoy

Yes I was thinking of inattentive ADHD too OP, with the struggling to organise and easily getting overwhelmed. There are lots of threads on here because it often presents differently in women and is under diagnosed but they may be useful anyway.

I spoke to him about this just this morning, he immediately made an appt with his GP which he also got today, they're referring him for assessment.

@2boysDad

Couldn't help but pick up on this:

"and the fact he doesn't have friends to talk to about the kids being tough for example makes him think he's the only one who finds it hard at times."

This isn't good. All the paid-for counsellors in the world doesn't make up for not having good friends you can rely on. Does he have any interests or hobbies that help him to make good friends and to generally give his mind some "space"?

He's quite often not keen on going to meet the very few friends he has, and now that I think about it, all three of the people he would consider as friends don't actually have children which is interesting. Still, it would be good for him to see them more so I should insist he does.

Everyone saying he may well be better if I leave, this could definitely be the case I know and is one of the main reasons I'm considering it obviously alongside my children's wellbeing and my own happiness. I'm glad others are saying it though as it helps me think yes he could be happier with us apart. I do love him and he is a good person who has been through a lot in his life even through childhood, he deserves to be happy. I know others have dismissed it when I've said he is fantastic with his children when he's not stressed and overwhelmed or they're not being challenging, in these circumstances he's attentive, loving, generous although never spoils them and loves enjoying time with them outdoors. The situations where he is overwhelmed, impatient, unhappy and gets upset with the kids does out way the good so if leaving means they get more of the good side of dad then that is great for everyone. I want to make as much effort as I can to help him and if it still makes no difference to his mental health or my own then the decision is made. I have tried in the past to help him but I have to admit I haven't put much conscious effort into it over the last few years. I think I just felt like I'd already tried so much and nothing had helped considerably and just decided it was just the way things were going to be. I had to concentrate on having a new baby to look after and still running a business. Now being at this cross road and seriously considering it more so than I've ever done I must try again.

I've never posted on here before and am so grateful for the responses, it's helped me more than I imagined. I would therefore still value anyone's input as to how I can try to help him and any suggestions.
The last 24 hours have been good hence my different tone and positive attitude

Good to hear he’s booked an appointment. There can often be very long waiting lists for ADHD assessments depending on the area you live in, but there is a quicker route if you are in England. It’s called Right to Choose. Good luck.

I've actually now decided to leave. The GP sent through an assessment form of some sort to be completed which he forwarded to me to look at. I have now offered a few times to sit down and go through it with him but he hasn't done it.
I've spent more and more time on my own with the kids recently as inside I feel like I've given up. I've been happier on my own with them then if he was with us and he has been happier on his own and is great with the kids once I get back. This shows me if his time spent with them is less he's better. Deep down he can sense a change in me but hasn't asked or brought anything up, its very typical of him burying his head in the sand.

The responses you're getting would be different @tillytills if the gender roles were reversed. If you were in his position and struggling with depression while he carried the forte, you'd get a lot of people saying that he should be more patient and stop getting at you all the time as it's feeding the vicious cycle of his depression.

You're at the absolute most challenging time because your kids are little - it won't always be like this and he won't always be so overwhelmed. Heck even people without depression history feel overwhelmed and low with the responsibilities of very young kids alongside the endless treadmill of everyday life.

It's understandably burdensome for you but be patient and support. It sounds like he's doing his best if hes been seeking therapy and medication - it's not like he's been refusing to seek help for his depression. If the roles were reversed would you you want him to bail and run despite the two of you being married? Also speaking as a child of divorce myself, your kids in the long term will be far more affected by the divorce than he will. Breaking up your children's home will have a huge impact.

@tillytills, I really feel for you. You sound like me a year or so ago. I’m separating from my husband who has anxiety and depression and a history of alcohol misuse (hiding drinking). I still love him but it’s worn me down so much that my mental health is suffering. He sees a clinical psychologist weekly, takes meds and we had relate. But it hasn’t made enough difference. We have a 3 and 7yo and his mental health nosedived after having kids. While I think it was the making of me.

I’m moving out. It’s really tough and I’ve partly stayed because I was worried about what he’d do without me and I’m deinitely still worried about how he’ll cope with the kids, but I hold on to my vision of me in a small house of my own, exactly how I want it and without stress, where I can relax with my kids.

@tillytills how are things now? What did you decide to do?
And @Levithecat how did the move go, how are your children adjusting?

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @ravenmum you give very sound advice..

Gotta love Mumsnet, you can always find a mirror of sone sort in your own life there.
I'm in a currently very similar situation. So lonely in my marriage with long term depressed husband. I also think ADHD is at play and have booked a private assessment ( psymplicity if that is helpful, only a few weeks waiting list) .
God it's hard..
I had my own diagnosis of chronic health condition ( and my daughter the same) and that led me to seek counselling. These things have brought things really into focus - he has to make changes to improve his MH or I'm done.

Apologies for jumping on the thread. These things are a bit like novels where you lose the last page- I want to know what happened next!

I'd like to know how things panned out too as I'm in the same boat. Great bloke, cheerful around everyone else but with me he's just so quiet and down. He has an assessment for his depression next week but I had to push him to do it! No small children thank god! Also his drinking has increased. Has diabetes but his diet is atrocious, kidney problems also.
It's dragging me down and we just have no fun together anymore

Hi @Dogsandbiscuits I have contacted the GP several times and requested that my input remains confidential - might be worth mentioning the diabetes stuff to them so they can do a 'random' check up.