Thinking of leaving a "nice" but depressed husband - anyone been in the same boat?

[tillytills]

I'm considering leaving my husband, it's something I've thought about many times in the past but I feel differently this time, I feel closer to doing it than I've ever done. Thing is he suffers with depression and isn't a bad guy, I just feel tired and numb being with someone who is so un-socialable and unhappy all of the time. Our marriage isn't bad but he struggles coping with our children, age 2 and 5. It just makes for a very stressed unhappy home. Recently he was unwell with a bug and stayed in the spare room for two and half days solid day and night. I enjoyed him not being around and I felt like me and the children were happier and things just ran so much smoother.
I don't want to hurt him and I'm worried how he will cope with me leaving but I wonder if it will be better in the long run for everyone. His earns very little so financially I wouldnt be any worse off, I am the main earner. I know he could manage financially with the help of his mother although he would have to cope with a smaller house etc but he would be OK.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If he was an arse it would be so much easier to leave!

Yes, been there and left. Couldn't bear the rest of my life never looking forward to the future, always tensely waiting for the next breakdown, the horrible atmosphere. It was very very difficult to leave but I felt so incredibly relieved once it was done.

He's due a check up, they've been sending texts but he never books an appointment. Part of my resentment is the fact that I always have to remind him. He has always relied on me a lot to book appointments and things, I'm just tired of it

“The depression has been around to varying degrees, noticeably for 10 years, we've been married for 8 and together for 13.”

This is who you married so I think you ought to stick by your wedding vows.
That said, it does very much sound like he has MUCH more going on than depression.

Hi, well we are still sharing a house, as I don’t move until February. It’s been incredibly tough. He rebounded into a really intense relationship almost immediately, though we’re still married and cohabiting. I only found out on Christmas Eve. It compounds my loneliness in it all - the rational part of me says this is not the action of a happy person, but my hurt part says he has avoided any accountability, swanning into the loveliness of a new relationship while I deal with the pain of this part of our separation.
Our kids are doing well and I think we are somehow managing to look after them well, never speak poorly of each other to them etc.
on reflection, I think I should I have trusted that he’ll be fine in the end. I still find myself worrying about him. It’ll take a while to learn to centre myself and meet my own needs

@Levithecat
That sounds really hard. Goodness so unkind of him to bounce off with someone else.
I know what you mean about this feeling of coming back to yourself. I feel I've been lost in the soup of his emotions for so many years, it's hard to know my own sometimes. My counseling has been helpful in clearing up this for me. I reccommend - you can even do it online these days so v convenient.

Think I probably need to have a chat with him about how he speaks to the kids, they've told me back a few things I'm uneasy about. I'm not at the point of ending things just yet. He's switching to new meds which I have hopes they will be better, also ADHD assessment coming up. He's had to taper off the last ADs so has been effectively unmedicated for a couple of weeks and so so hard to be around. Disagrees with every tiny thing.

I'm off to my mum's with the kids tomorrow for a break . Hopefully new pills will kick in asap Can't wait to have a bit of space to breathe.

Good luck, @Springspringhurrah - sending solidarity. Here’s to a brighter 2022

No one is depressed all the time
Er, ever heard of chronic depression? Some people can be.

That said, with all the OP updates, he sounds to be on the spectrum and should be assessed so that support can be tailored to his needs.

If he’s been through childhood undiagnosed as ASD, he will likely have trauma that makes it triggering for him to play with children/unable to play as autistic children were often punished harshly for playing pretend /being away with the fairies as if they were lying constantly.

He needs to get his GP to see the seriousness of his condition, and often a GP won’t listen until a partner calls with concerns.