ANOTHER no sex one

[Diamonddusty]

Would you judge someone for breaking up a family over sex? Or lack thereof?
I don’t want to have sex with DH - but would like sex - he would like sex with me but I’m only able to do it if I absolutely make myself and the last time was two years ago. Time before that was probably four years.
He says sex isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. However I cannot even kiss him. I am 35. He is 45. We have two dc - aged 11 and 6.
I feel depressed and anxious a lot of the time, because I am unable to make a decision as to how to move forwards. I make a decision to stay and it feels wrong and I make a decision to leave and it feels wrong.
We’re booked to go away in a fortnight. The kids are excited. I feel very weary and lonely thinking about it - but how can I ruin their holiday, especially after the numerous covid disappointments. I feel DH and I have grown apart and I care about him but I feel so separate from him. If we were to split it would never ever ever be amicable. He’d be very hurt and quickly make himself my enemy.

Bump

You are only 35 you cant carry on like this, start preparing yourself mentally and in all the other ways for the inevitable. If you know he will make himself the enemy get a good grip on your finances and how to make it work for you and the kids. No point in ruining the holiday, there is no rush, tackle it when you get back.

Living like this isn't fair to anyone. You need to leave him.

To answer your question OP, no, I wouldn’t judge you at all. But I’d urge you to try your best to fix things with your husband before you do anything drastic. If you try and work on it; talk, dates, counselling? But either way OP; you are entitled to leave any marriage for any reason (or no reason) at any time.

Don’t be so sure re husband being difficult. I thought my ex husband would be a dream (simple divorce, no children, no shared assets), but he turned out to be quite nasty. So maybe yours will go the other way!

If you cannot even kiss your husband then I think you know the answer already

I want to be able to - for the dc sake.
It’s like there’s a block and my body just goes - nope.

You need to seek professional help, to work through the issues, if you want to try to save the marriage.

You can’t bring yourself to kiss him and you’ve only had sex twice in 6 years?

Sorry but this isn’t fair on anyone.

Unless there is a HUGE back story as to why you can’t / don’t want to have sex with him then I actually think it’s really bad to stay with him. There’s no way you should force yourself to have sex with someone you don’t want to and you shouldn’t be coerced into either but the long term emotional impact at being continually denied affection or intimacy from the person you’ve married must be quite damaging. You’re doing either of you any favours by staying. Not your children to be honest. They will soon cotton on that their parents relationship is neither happy or healthy.

You’re both young enough to find happiness elsewhere. If your husband doesn’t want to be amicable then there’s nothing you can do about that.

Perhaps suggest couples counselling with the intention that it may help make the split more amicable.

You can’t carry on like this OP, life is too short

Personally I’d go on the holiday, get that out of the way.
Have you seen a GP about your depression?
Would you /could you have sex with someone else? - I’m not suggesting you cheat, but is the issue around sex or because you just do not fancy your partner anymore?

Sorry crossed post - if you love him and want to save the marriage and want to have sex but physically can’t, then you need to seek professional help. There is help out there and it could really save your relationship if you want it to

I don’t fancy him and never have really.
He’s not got a high sex drive, he doesn’t seem that bothered. We’ve never had loads of sex and for a long time I felt like that was ok, it was good enough to have the dc and them be happy. Maybe I’m just having a midlife crisis because I suddenly feel like I want a sex life, but not with him. Or the chance of a sex life I suppose. But the grass isn’t always greener, is it.

Do you not want to have sex with him because you're not remotely attracted to him, or you want to have sex in an ideal world, but for some reason can't? Did you feel like this before meeting him or is it very specific to him?

If it's specific to him, then you can go to individual therapy and try to understand why and what you want to do about it. Or say enough is enough and leave.

If it is more general and existed before him, or would be the same with someone else, then basically you have the same options!

What you need to decide is what will make you happiest because that's the option that is best for your kids. They won't ever thank you for staying with him just to give them the illusion if a happy childhood. It's actually a massive burden for adult kids when they realise their mother's unhappiness is rooted in their childhood happiness.

*cross post

I can see me heading for this problem as me and husband have a similar issue but at the moment it’s clouded by the pressures of young children! Maybe because you’ve reached a point where your kids are older you’re now starting to reassess what you want...for me personally I plan on waiting until my youngest is out of the young baby stage and starting counselling and trying to date my husband again to get the spark back.

Basically I think if the other parts of the relationship are good, try couples counselling and setting time aside away from the kids to get dressed up and go out on dates together. The drudgery of day to day life can make relationships very platonic I think, I don’t see my husband as a sexual being at all at the moment and I think the feeling is mutual. Maybe just make sure you’ve given it all you’ve got before ending it and then you’ll feel more certain if that’s your decision? The other thing you could propose an open relationship to him?

That's a long time with no sex!

You've never fancied him? Why did you marry him?

I don’t know really. I thought it would be ok and I was vulnerable at the time we married.

It's possible he's never had a high sex drive as he picks up on your never really fancying him vibe.

Do you get on otherwise? Possibly broach the open relationship topic if you can both see a life together but don't mind getting each others needs elsewhere.

Sounds grim either way, and you should probably start thinking about separating and being honest with yourself.

I think we are just quite separate. He does his thing and I do mine.
In the evening - like now - he has the tv on and occasionally he’ll ask if there’s something I’d like to watch but 95% of the time he’ll just have on whatever he likes and it’s basically stuff I hate. Violent stuff. I like funny things, or fairly gentle programmes like bake off. So sometimes we might watch something we both like - like a drama or a game show - but we never have on something that I like but he doesn’t.

Only you can decide OP, whether you love him enough to stay in a sexless marriage ( is he?) what happens when the children are older?
Are you happy to be single? You may or may not meet someone else, so you have to be happy alone if you split.

I feel for you, I married my ex not fancying, what you must start to do is think what or how do you want your life to be, can you live like this for the rest of it?

When the children are older I can’t see me staying.
Typically we only speak several sentences to each other a day.
We don’t have any intimacy. I’m not interested in his job and he’s not interested in mine. If we go to (his) family events he goes off and drinks and leaves me with the kids.
I had severe pnd after my second dc (they nearly died at birth), and DH didn’t help me at any point. My mh isn’t his responsibility but he never gave me a break or took my older dc or got up at night etc. Thankfully I have family and friends who stepped in and supported me. It was incredibly lonely.

But my dc are ok.
They won’t think me for leaving their dad over this.

thank

He sounds kind of creepy OP, with your saying he would be your enemy if you left.

Typically we only speak several sentences to each other a day.

How could he be happy with this either? Or is a lot of the relationship about him controlling you/ruling the roost/deciding what happens?

I think definitely if you've been in a sexless/bad-sex relationship, as you get into your late 30s/40s, you remember or think what you're missing. That was my experience anyway, and I broke up with my then partner. It was the right decision.