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Original poster

ANOTHER no sex one

70 replies

Diamonddusty · 12/07/2021 19:39

Would you judge someone for breaking up a family over sex? Or lack thereof?
I don’t want to have sex with DH - but would like sex - he would like sex with me but I’m only able to do it if I absolutely make myself and the last time was two years ago. Time before that was probably four years.
He says sex isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. However I cannot even kiss him. I am 35. He is 45. We have two dc - aged 11 and 6.
I feel depressed and anxious a lot of the time, because I am unable to make a decision as to how to move forwards. I make a decision to stay and it feels wrong and I make a decision to leave and it feels wrong.
We’re booked to go away in a fortnight. The kids are excited. I feel very weary and lonely thinking about it - but how can I ruin their holiday, especially after the numerous covid disappointments. I feel DH and I have grown apart and I care about him but I feel so separate from him. If we were to split it would never ever ever be amicable. He’d be very hurt and quickly make himself my enemy.

OP posts:
cantgetmyheadroundit · 13/07/2021 15:45

[quote Tiw8]@cantgetmyheadroundit

That should be a minimum requirement really.[/quote]
The kindness part? Absolutely. But it's only since I've been older that I've realised how important it is.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 13/07/2021 15:46

Holothane would you consider getting out even now? Are rhee advantages to staying? Or if you could go back in time would you end it?

NautaOcts · 13/07/2021 16:01

@Diamonddusty do you love him?
Are you friends? Do you enjoy his company?

If no to any of those and these are not fleeting feelings but have been consistent for a while, maybe it would be better or at least no worse to live separately and co parent?

I have been a bit where you are, I think my issue stemmed from resentment about not feeling like a team, hardly seeing him, him showing little to no interest in me or the kids, always moody and stressed. I kept setting myself deadlines of ‘if I still feel like this by… then I’ll do something about it’

In the end just before covid I did have a chat to him, was so nervous. We’re not good at talking about stuff at all. Just said I’d been wondering if we’d both be happier living apart and wondered if he felt the same? He didn’t. Since then and especially with lockdown changing working arrangements he has made an effort, we have felt like a team and he has been much nicer to be around, less moody etc. So for now I’m sticking with it. But something has changed in that j no longer fear the alternative.

Holothane · 13/07/2021 16:18

Had I known then what I know now, as much as I love him I wouldn’t have lived together then got married, when he’s ok he’s fun but the last few years have been hard I just don’t have the energy anymore. He’d not survive on his own I do everything, his parents adore and me them, they know what he’s like and back me up. I know one thing I’d never have a man again, I have my dream life so I’m happy in a way. No one gets hurt and I have lots of fun in my dreams.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 13/07/2021 16:21

I get that energy drain.. But you say you have your dream life and that you love him. So that makes it different. Or maybe you mean you have your dreams.

Holothane · 13/07/2021 16:28

I have my dreams,

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 13/07/2021 16:35

OK I understand. I am in a similar situation, probably without the love, early 40s. It's not easy and the draining atmosphere makes it harder rather than easier to end it.

Holothane · 13/07/2021 17:06

At least he’s talking to his mum now so that’s a start, my gorgeous blankets with my crushes has turned, put the pizza 0n the shopping list for my birthday I’m doing stuff for me that night😊

Talipesmum · 13/07/2021 17:19

It sounds like a loveless marriage. The sex thing is what makes you realise it - your body is telling you what your mind is trying to ignore - but if you don’t even love him, that is as good a reason as any. Doesn’t sound like there’s any affection. This matters. Take care of yourself x

Holothane · 13/07/2021 17:24

There still love there as best friends even soulmates but not sex anymore. I manage.

Original poster
Diamonddusty · 13/07/2021 19:16

I think I’ve just given up a bit.
I think maybe he’d make changes if I put it as I want to split up if X doesn’t change but part of me worries that it’s just too late.
We’ve both been guilty of neglecting the relationship. When we were married before the dc we used to go back to our respective families for Christmas which is weird isn’t it? They don’t live far apart. The morning after we married we’d stopped in a hotel along with some of our guests and DH went and sat separately with his friends. It’s little stuff but somehow it seems to be significant of a bigger picture.

OP posts:
adviceseekingnamechanger · 13/07/2021 20:20

If he didn't support you during cancer, you should walk. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I wish you the absolute best. To your future happiness Wine

Holothane · 14/07/2021 08:44

He’s much happier today so I am too sorry for yesterday it was a bad day after a bad week, onwards and upwards, more goodies ordered for birthday and a surprise from dh, so we’ll see.

ineedanewnameplease · 14/07/2021 09:06

I could have written your post. Lots of similarities to my old life and first marriage.

In the end I couldn't exist like that I wanted to live. I divorced my ex, went on to meet a lovely man who is an amazing step father and we have just celebrated 20 years together and 17 married. Life hasn't always been easy or straightforward but whatever we have faced we have faced as a team who are in love, love each other and respect each other.

You get one life, you have to live it for you, to your DC or your DH. You.

marmaladehound · 14/07/2021 14:41

Would you consider counselling? Even if not to keep you both together couples counselling can really help you both come to an understanding that being apart may be better and help create a more amicable divorce?

I think children can cope much better with their parents separating if it is handled well and counselling can sometimes facilitate this.

Deadringer · 14/07/2021 14:47

It's not just sex though is it, you don't really have a relationship, you just live in the same house.

Summerhillsquare · 15/07/2021 07:57

The image of a woman coming home from hospital to an empty fridge an full washing basket will haunt me forever I think.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 15/07/2021 07:59

You want sex but not with him so you'd be happy to sleep with someone else?

He needs to leave you it isn't fair to him

DinosaurDiana · 15/07/2021 08:05

I wouldn’t t judge anyone for splitting up over sex, it’s an important part of a relationship.
But, from what you have written, I wonder if you are mentally strong enough to be alone. That’s what you need to think about.

meg70 · 18/07/2021 12:25

@cantgetmyheadroundit

Obviously this is only my opinion - but I'm quite old now, almost 51. And after 2 failed long term relationships, one a marriage, I have discovered that the one thing that really matters in a partner - is kindness. Very underrated.
Yes, it's the most important attribute!
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