ANOTHER no sex one

[Diamonddusty]

Would you judge someone for breaking up a family over sex? Or lack thereof?
I don’t want to have sex with DH - but would like sex - he would like sex with me but I’m only able to do it if I absolutely make myself and the last time was two years ago. Time before that was probably four years.
He says sex isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. However I cannot even kiss him. I am 35. He is 45. We have two dc - aged 11 and 6.
I feel depressed and anxious a lot of the time, because I am unable to make a decision as to how to move forwards. I make a decision to stay and it feels wrong and I make a decision to leave and it feels wrong.
We’re booked to go away in a fortnight. The kids are excited. I feel very weary and lonely thinking about it - but how can I ruin their holiday, especially after the numerous covid disappointments. I feel DH and I have grown apart and I care about him but I feel so separate from him. If we were to split it would never ever ever be amicable. He’d be very hurt and quickly make himself my enemy.

@Diamonddusty

But my dc are ok. They won’t think me for leaving their dad over this.

Your DC are too young to understand the reason for separating OP, if you are unhappy you deserve a life too. The children will surely pick up on your unhappiness etc. Having seen your update, your DP doesn’t seem the most caring man at all.

Are you sure you're not stuck in a big rut and have drifted so far away from each other it's hard to communicate.
Can you put time away for just the two of you without kids.
Turn off the telly, talk to each other. Find out about each other a bit more, be really honest about how you're feeling.
This can happen with me and DH and when we put energy and effort into the marriage it improves.
When I got married I thought I wouldn't have to try, that it would be roses forever. I was very wrong and it took some hard work to get it back but it's worth it if you want it enough.
I suppose you have to work out if you genuinely don't love him or you're just bored and over it.
What is blocking you when it comes to sex?
If I'm honest, sometimes the lack of sex is me being lazy and apathetic about it and when I try it's actually really good and worth it.

We’ve been this way for a long time, certainly since dc1 was born and maybe a bit before.
Then we had to have ivf for dc2, first cycle he was a bit more supportive I guess but second cycle he didn’t come to any of the appointments apart from the egg retrieval one (which he HAD to come to), he didn’t come to embryo transfer or the follow up appointment when it failed. And he was actually the one who pushed for us to have treatment more than me, so it wasn’t as though he didn’t want to be doing it. It is a nightmare with all the back and forth appointments as you wait to see if the eggs are ready and he was working I suppose, it was more that I had to go on my own for the embryo transfer- I remember saying I could get pregnant today and you wouldn’t even be in the building. And when I knew it had failed I had to go and have the pregnancy test on my own and then the follow up appointment there and then as to why it might have failed. I remember coming out and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. I probably just needed to be a bit stronger, I could have used someone with me though.

You don’t sound like you love each other at all, rather just going through the motions.
You say your DC won’t thank you for leaving him, with your relationship as it is, barely speaking to each other, they won’t thank you for staying and forcing them to grow up in a strained unpleasant atmosphere. That’s not fair, putting all the responsibility of staying on their shoulders.
You obviously aren’t happy nor is your DH, si maybe it’s time to make plans to separate. You may get on better once you are no longer together which will be much better for your DC

I was like this, I thought I was holding it together for the kids. We went on a family holiday and my 9 yr old son said to me, "you're always so sad mummy" I knew then, I didn't want my children thinking this was what a relationship looks like. We divorced. The kids are teens and happy, we co-parent well and I've never looked back.

My older dc would say I am sad.
However he also wouldn’t want me to split up from his dad.
I struggle hard with it because I want the family unit but can only function in it if I’m living very separately to Dh. I don’t want to have nights away with him on our own, or meals out. I just don’t. I don’t feel cherished or cared for. Then I think - that’s ridiculous, probably no one feels cherished or cared for when they’ve been together so long.

I feel like I could have written your posts- gone off my husband, didn't help when I had terrible PND, uninterested in my interests/life, drinks too much at family events and ignores me. V similar. Made me so unhappy and I felt so rejected and unloved I developed cancer. Maybe the it's just coincidence, but I feels related. Leaving him this year was the greatest relief imaginable. I feel like I have a life and possibilities back. But it was v amicable, mutual split so that did help. I would leave OP. Life is too precious for this shit.

It sounds like you haven't forgiven him for the lack of support when you were trying to conceive and when you were depressed, I think I would feel the same. I'm sorry you went through that alone. Your life now sounds lonely too. What about counselling? ...You could talk through those issues in a safe space. Do you talk about your relationship at the moment, does he know how you feel? I went through a similar time and remember the constant angst for years and years re trying to decide what to do. And counselling didn't help in my case. We split and it has been v acrimonious. It was definitely the right decision though.

Don't stay with him OP .My partner sounds very similar ,he's not evil or abusive but he is very self centred and uncaring .I don't think he was shown much love growing up and had no role models as to how normal people are together .

I'm still with him ,our adult son lives at home .I think it gets harder the longer you leave it .

As for sex ,you need emotional intimacy to have a long term sexual relationship .I'm not surprised your body says no ,mine does too .

Thank you so much for all the posts.

My body does say no. I’m not sure if there’s a way back when that happens. It says no to kissing, and it definitely says no to anything more. I cannot imagine ever wanting to sleep with him again. It’s just sad.

I can completely relate to this with my ex, i never wanted sex with him, him touching or trying to kiss me used to make me cringe, family holiday's used to fill me with dread. Needless to say i left. It was hard but the best thing i ever did. I'm with a man now who i love and we have no intimacy problems and i would never trade it to go back to what i had. It will be tough on the kid's but your happiness is important

@Diamonddusty I totally understand how you feel. I’m in the same predicament except my children are older. I’ve felt like this for 10 years, it doesn’t improve. My husband now sleeps on the sofa and we have a deep resentment for each other. I’m leaving after our holiday next month. My oldest is 17, it will be hard to break up the family but what I’ve realised is there’s never a good time. At least they won’t have to suffer miserable parents and arguements anymore. Just do it, life is too short.

My happiness is important... I just don’t know if it’s as important as all of the other things.

I had severe pnd after my second dc (they nearly died at birth), and DH didn’t help me at any point

Wow, this would absolutely kill off any love I had for a man. He’s treated you appallingly, with such disregard, it’s not a surprise you don’t want him anymore, I mean we’re not robots!

If you have never fancied him, you never will. Your marriage is dead. The kindest thing to do for all of you is to bring things to an end as amicably as possible.

@Diamonddusty I'm exactly where you are now. 10 years without sex, he's not bothered, seems to ignore the fact I've told him how unhappy I am, and we rumble on. We too live pretty much separate lives, he does his things, watches his programs on telly (politics politics politics, and completely the opposite side from me), even buys rubbish from the corner shop for his tea while I make a proper meal like a normal person. It's a very long story.
One example from yesterday - he got ds to ring me to see when I'd be in from work (he wfh) so I could 'fix his computer.' So when I got home, he said he'd tripped over the laptop and now his headset wasn't working. I fixed it in 5 seconds - just by switching the headset back on, ffs. And then he went off on a big "oh I'm so stressed" rant, and when I said there was only me and the boss in at work and we'd been busy (i.e. really really stretched) obviously his problems were bigger.... Never mind sticking up for Boris Johnson and Priti Patel later on in the evening......... unattractive to say the least. And he wonders why I want to spend as little time with him as possible.
@adviceseekingnamechanger I got cancer too, and went to all the appointments on my own, and even spent Valentines Day 2016 in a hospital bed, on my own, til he came to pick me up on the night time. Yes he brought me some garage flowers, but I got home to an empty fridge and a full washing basket...

OP, you say My happiness is important... I just don’t know if it’s as important as all of the other things. This is exactly how I feel, and it's utterly paralysing isn't it

The bottom line is, I want a loving relationship, including sex, but not with him. Not in a million years after everything. I want to be happy. We're allowed to be happy OP. I hope we both find a way xx

What makes you stay @19Bears? To an outsider reading that, it just sounds utterly grim.

@Tiw8 What makes me stay? The kids, his anxiety, fear of hurting people.... He made a point of telling me he had to take two of his anxiety tablets yesterday. I didn't mention I'm in counselling again. Without getting too far into it, I've had a life where others are always first, and I just fit in as best I can. And I have taken on so much that nothing is too much, I've always got room to carry more and will never get to breaking point. So therefore I never snap and say that's it. I plough on. I realise I have to let this go or I'll never be happy x

19Bears it’s so hard. I am a people pleaser too. I rarely think what I’d like - I worry about how everyone else is first. This makes life really hard.

When I brought dc2 home (it had been Christmas whilst we were in hospital and we were in for three weeks) the tree was still up. The Moses basket wasn’t set up. The steriliser wasn’t ready. Stuff was everywhere. Dc2 was prem so I hadn’t got any of that stuff ready myself. I remember being discharged late in the evening, it was about 10pm when we got back, getting back and just feeling like I was dying. It was awful. The anxiety around dc2, dc1 was tired and the house was a tip and all the Christmas stuff was still there. I can’t think about it too much. It makes me extremely anxious. He’d stopped at his mum’s the whole time I was in hospital and so nothing had been sorted.

Empty fridge and full washing basket is terrible

I think gradually over time I’ve stopped relying on him for anything really.

What I want is a crystal ball that will show me the least worst option. I’m not sure there are good options anymore.

The most important person to please in life is yourself. You both need to learn this and take steps to address it. These men are losers. They add no value to your lives. You need to take a different approach. I have lived alone for years with the odd short term relationship here and there and it’s wonderful. I can’t recommend it enough. You need to find some inner strength.

The thing is... he doesn't support you, look after you, cherish you. The way you have described his behaviour during IVF says it all - never mind all the lack of support bringing the babies home.

Sex aside, fancying aside - he is not a good partner.

Obviously this is only my opinion - but I'm quite old now, almost 51. And after 2 failed long term relationships, one a marriage, I have discovered that the one thing that really matters in a partner - is kindness. Very underrated.

@cantgetmyheadroundit

That should be a minimum requirement really.

I’m sitting here with a very depressed dh again, he’s dragged me down for years (huge story I can’t go into) but today bad memories anyway, my toxic family and I just feel why bother? The grumpiness the snapping, no sex but I don’t want sex now anyway, he killed that desire a few years ago, I have my crushes my hobbies, stories. Yes sad I know but that’s how I’ve survived all my life, real life has chucked some crap at me. Birthday soon and couldn’t give a fuck now, he’s just said he might go into the studio, more money wasted. Sorry but there’s a lot of us in this situation. Hugs lots of them.