this is rude isn’t it? or am i sensitive?

[squeak17]

Been talking to a guy from OLD through lockdown and we finally met and have been on 4 dates now.
Slept together on date 2 and it was ridiculously good. Everything carried on as normal, went on a really fun third date (didn’t dtd) and then a 4th on which we dtd again.

It didn’t go great though, I was a little bit drunk and wasn’t really “opening up” so he struggled to get it in (sorry, tmi!). Eventually we did and it was fine but I felt so bad.

After this (about a week ago) he’s been a bit off with me since and i asked what was up and if it was because of that night. He reassured me it was all okay and he really didn’t mind, he was a bit down about a few work things and he definitely sees potential with me and is excited for another date. Things have seemed quite normal again last few days.

Last night he was a bit drunk I think (football) and he texted “oh wow f*ck me” (not in that context - something he was surprised about the football!) and I cheekily replied “happily”. He usually takes this flirting quite well but he said “lol yeah we tried and it didn’t work”. I asked why he brought that up and he said “was going to come up eventually wasn’t it” (even though I asked him about it the other day??)

I said that explains why he’s been off and he just kept saying things like I’m being dramatic, to relax, and “it’s calm/it’s not that deep”. He then said “yeah it was bad but relax” then tried to change the subject to football. I asked why he would say that when he knew it made me feel shit/guilty at the time and he said “yeah cos you knew it was bad, just calm down”.

I now feel like I’m being overdramatic but I did feel rubbish and guilty. I could understand if we just weren’t sexually compatible but I feel like he’s now gone off me for one bad performance when our first one was insane - so I thought he’d understand if it was a one-off?

It can’t just be me who thinks this is pretty horrible, or am I just being sensitive?

No, sounds like he's a bullet you need to dodge, I reckon.

Urgh this isn’t cool and it’s incredibly frustrating when people do this. I’d explain how you’re feeling to him and if he can’t get a grip tell him to fuck off.

He sounds fucking horrible and thick as mince.

Yeah it does baffle me that he can’t seem to understand that girls bodies don’t always play ball, imagine getting annoyed about that? Again I could understand if it was just rubbish sex but the first time should’ve told him different

I don’t think you’re being over sensitive personally.

You tried to address it like a mature adult after the event and he shrugged it off, so instead of just discussing it, realising its just “one of those things”, having a bit of a laugh about it and both feeling better…hes taken it as a bashing to his performance, it’s damaged his ego and he’s sulking. And the truth has only come out when he’s had a drink.

So that is what I would find unattractive. That something fairly minor happened which he couldn’t / wouldn’t discuss (because he is emotional immature), instead making sly comments and pathetic (badly disguised) passive aggressive digs.

He hasn’t gone off you because of one bad performance (which btw happens to a lot of people, it’s totally normal), he’s taken a knock to his ego and is pushing it back onto you.

A mature, decent bloke would have shrugged it off and certainly not brought it back up after a few drinks.

This is a big red flag to be honest - shows him to be emotionally incompetent and immature.

Personally I’d be ending it on the basis of him being a man child but if you want to persist then you need a big apology for his behaviour and agreement to discuss future issues openly and honestly.

Well that would certainly guarantee you clamming up next time. What a massive overreaction. Don't think I would like to sleep with him again.

Red flag! Move on

Sounds like a prick..hate it when told to calm down

This is bad OP. He's admitted he's been off with you because sex didn't go to plan due to alcohol. He continues to bring up the topic but if you respond he's insinuating that you're unreasonable.
The sex/alcohol combo happens. He needs to grow up, get over it and stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.
You haven't done anything wrong, he's creating an issue out of nothing. It sounds like you're not compatible and it has nothing to do with anything that happened that night. It's to do with his attitude and making you feel like it's either your fault or that you're over overdramatic for realising that he's treating this poorly.

Sex is a 2 way thing. He should be trying to make you feel relaxed, not making you feel more anxious

Am I being daft? If you weren’t ready to be penetrated that’s not a “bad performance” that’s where your partner hopefully has the skill to help get you ready. I don’t see how this is your fault, just maybe not communicating expectations?

If this doesn't have you running for the hills and blocking this twat, you're a fool.

Hmmm. Is he 16?

No, he sounds like an immature and inconsiderate prick!

It seems like you're wasting time and emotion on somebody who's tiny ego is easily bruised. If he holds grudges and can't get over something he previously said wasn't an issue, imagine how he would handle future situations? I imagine not very well.

It's a shame things were going so well before but he's showing his true colours in how he's behaving now.

Maybe invest your energy into finding someone who doesn't play mind games, who is adult enough to reciprocate your efforts in trying to maintain some effort and empathy, you deserve someone who can't wait to be intimate with you and can laugh off the previous mishap - which absolutely WASN'T your fault btw!

You are not being over sensitive at all. He sounds totally weird about it all. Ditch and don't look back.

Urgh. What an absolute tool he sounds! I’d be tempted to text him:

“Unfortunately due to your poor foreplay and lack of understanding of women’s bodies I didn’t enjoy our most recent trip round the block, and can’t see that improving tbh as I don’t find pass-agg immature men a turn-on. Best wishes, Squeak.”

You're looking in the wrong direction. Why haven't you gone off him after last night's texts?

@SalsaLove

Am I being daft? If you weren’t ready to be penetrated that’s not a “bad performance” that’s where your partner hopefully has the skill to help get you ready. I don’t see how this is your fault, just maybe not communicating expectations?

I agree.

I think @Ohpulltheotherone has absolutely nailed what's going on here. I wouldn't invest any more time in this manchild.

I feel like he's now gone off me for one bad performance

You shouldn't have to feel it is a "performance" at all. He sounds awful.

Exactly what @Ohpulltheotherone said. Be glad he showed his own emotional immaturity and tendency to passive-aggression so early, before you got further into the relationship. Ditch and move smartly on.

He sounds passive agressive and childish.
Not for me.

He sounds like he can't communicate properly. You've dodged a bullet.

@Aquamarine1029

If this doesn't have you running for the hills and blocking this twat, you're a fool.

This. He sounds a total knob!

Your body wasn’t ready for sex, what did he do to help with that, other than trying to jab dick in you?!

Can you imagine speaking like that to a bloke who couldn’t maintain an erection one time? You wouldn’t would you because it’s nasty and humiliating. So don’t stand for it. Don’t let him gaslight you by telling you you’re getting het up about nothing, tell him he’s a dick and to get fucked.