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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is rude isn’t it? or am i sensitive?

53 replies

squeak17 · 12/07/2021 15:55

Been talking to a guy from OLD through lockdown and we finally met and have been on 4 dates now.
Slept together on date 2 and it was ridiculously good. Everything carried on as normal, went on a really fun third date (didn’t dtd) and then a 4th on which we dtd again.

It didn’t go great though, I was a little bit drunk and wasn’t really “opening up” so he struggled to get it in (sorry, tmi!). Eventually we did and it was fine but I felt so bad.

After this (about a week ago) he’s been a bit off with me since and i asked what was up and if it was because of that night. He reassured me it was all okay and he really didn’t mind, he was a bit down about a few work things and he definitely sees potential with me and is excited for another date. Things have seemed quite normal again last few days.

Last night he was a bit drunk I think (football) and he texted “oh wow f*ck me” (not in that context - something he was surprised about the football!) and I cheekily replied “happily”. He usually takes this flirting quite well but he said “lol yeah we tried and it didn’t work”. I asked why he brought that up and he said “was going to come up eventually wasn’t it” (even though I asked him about it the other day??)

I said that explains why he’s been off and he just kept saying things like I’m being dramatic, to relax, and “it’s calm/it’s not that deep”. He then said “yeah it was bad but relax” then tried to change the subject to football. I asked why he would say that when he knew it made me feel shit/guilty at the time and he said “yeah cos you knew it was bad, just calm down”.

I now feel like I’m being overdramatic but I did feel rubbish and guilty. I could understand if we just weren’t sexually compatible but I feel like he’s now gone off me for one bad performance when our first one was insane - so I thought he’d understand if it was a one-off?

It can’t just be me who thinks this is pretty horrible, or am I just being sensitive?

OP posts:
Briset · 12/07/2021 17:43

It's awful. You're not being over sensitive.

I don't think other people posting on here should be saying the difficulties were his fault though. When men suffer from ED I wouldn't blame the woman. Who would?

It was just one of those things. Really common, not a big deal and something that a mature and kind man would be sensitive about.

But he's not mature and sensitive.

Colourmeclear · 12/07/2021 17:50

I'm fuming. What an arse Angry

His shittiness will only make it worse if you stay together because he will bringing a sense of unease and worry into the bedroom where it should be fun, free and trusting. Your body will respond to the tension, he will throw a paddy again and again. Your body is working perfectly normally and he should be more grateful.

Some men will never be ready for an actual vagina nor the perfectly healthy woman attached it.

toocold54 · 12/07/2021 17:59

I think if you can’t have an open discussion about sex then you shouldn’t be having it with each other.
Sex is not always perfect every single time and sometimes our bodies don’t do what we tell them (men know this more than anyone) but you just talk about it say how it’s fine and if there’s anything to make them more comfortable etc and then move on and forget about it.
It’s obviously been playing on his mind snd he sounds quite insecure about it.

JustAnotherOldMan · 12/07/2021 18:18

Sex is not always perfect every single time and sometimes our bodies don’t do what we tell them (men know this more than anyone)

Ha, yes don’t we just !

OP, the guy was just covering for himself, let it go and move on to someone else,

layladomino · 12/07/2021 18:26

First off, you shouldn't have felt bad about it not happening that time, so no need to apologise other than the initial 'sorry this isn't happening for me tonight'. I wouldn't have kept bringing it up after that, as it makes it in to a bigger deal than it is.

Secondly, his drunk texting sounds like he wants to be clear that it was your problem and not him. A decent person would want to reassure you by not going on about it when it was clearly bothering you. I think this could be a sign that he will be bullish and insensitive in other ways, and would back off if I were you.

Original poster
squeak17 · 12/07/2021 18:40

Thank you so so much for your comments everyone - I feel much better about it knowing it wasn’t just me overreacting! Flowers

Annoying as I thought he was a really nice guy - I’ve just sent a text basically saying it didn’t sit well with me and I don’t think we should go on any more dates. His response (or lack of) will probably tell me a lot!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 12/07/2021 18:45

Absolutely swerve him, and consider it a lucky thing you found out he was a dick so early.

BlueJag · 12/07/2021 18:45

So sad to know that a bad shag was a deal breaker. Shame on him. Very shallow indeed.

Kanaloa · 12/07/2021 18:45

Oh, I see you already have! Good on you op for having your boundaries and respecting yourself enough not to keep on with a loser like this.

ScrollingLeaves · 12/07/2021 18:45

Why see it all as a ‘performance’?

In a real relationship things aren’t always perfect. Being a bit drunk can make things not work out so just forget it.

What seems worrying is that he may be trying to blame you and possibly deflect any sense of fault from himself. That seems a red flag.

It is also worrying that you are feeling guilty.
Please don’t🌼

Awrite · 12/07/2021 18:48

Glad you have found your self esteem.

Dodged a bullet here.

Sparkletastic · 12/07/2021 18:52

Has he never heard of lube?

TheFoundations · 12/07/2021 18:53

With regard to this situation, and any other situations in the future, if somebody tells you that you are being oversensitive, what they are essentially saying is 'You are being too sensitive for me' If they say 'calm down', they mean 'You are not being calm enough for me'

There is no objective level of sensitive or calm or anything that we are 'supposed to be'. You are 100% the exact right level of sensitive for you.

It works the other way, too. You think he's been horrible, but you ask for input from outside, because you're not sure he has been horrible. Nobody can tell you, because there is no objective level of unhorribleness we're supposed to meet. Everybody does horrible things sometimes, but we're mostly not horrible people. So, if what he did felt horrible to you, nothing else matters.

He told you your feelings were wrong. You have looked to MN to check that your feelings were right. But you need to have faith in your own feelings; if it feels horrible to you, it IS horrible to you. Being able to validate your own emotions like this will put you in a much safer, more self respecting place to be dating from.

Midnightballerina · 12/07/2021 18:54

Maybe the reason it was awkward is because he wasn't hard & he's embarrassed & trying to deflect?. If a dick is soft it's not going in easily no matter how much you try. Regardless if he's making you feel shitty this early on he's not for you.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/07/2021 18:55

Why would you feel guilty??

aboutbloodytime123 · 12/07/2021 18:59

I hate to say this but this is the sort of humour I would get. Something happened in bed, awkward for both parties, he makes light of it while drunk.... I would probably have shot back with something sarcastic and then the convo would have moved on. I wouldn't read any more into it than that personally but the point is, you did - and if it upsets you then it's probably not the right match.

Eeiliethya · 12/07/2021 19:03

My DP made a comment to me once when we first met when I was really dry from booze (Sahara Minge) and even though it did really make me laugh, it also gave me a bit of a complex so I would struggle to "lubricate" (hate the word Moist 😂) and it did plague me for a bit.

We've been together for 10 years now, and it's fine. But if he had made me feel a twat rather than it be more of a joke at the time it was happening, I would defo have binned him off.

It happens to the best of us OP

Original poster
squeak17 · 12/07/2021 19:16

He did say a bit later it takes two to tango and he might not have been on top form - and to not assume it’s my fault. I just didn’t like the fact he simply said “yeah it was bad” rather than just joking about it

OP posts:
ParsleyDill · 12/07/2021 19:18

@aboutbloodytime123

I hate to say this but this is the sort of humour I would get. Something happened in bed, awkward for both parties, he makes light of it while drunk.... I would probably have shot back with something sarcastic and then the convo would have moved on. I wouldn't read any more into it than that personally but the point is, you did - and if it upsets you then it's probably not the right match.
But he wasn’t being in any way humorous. The OP cracked a mild joke, he got defensive and huffy and kept telling her how bad it was but to ‘calm down’. I don’t see how that could be regarded as his quirky SOH?
armanted · 12/07/2021 19:19

'Sahara Minge'. What?. Even Google's never heard of it.

Eeiliethya · 12/07/2021 19:25

@armanted

'Sahara Minge'. What?. Even Google's never heard of it.
Yes, that was his comment to me!

Bloody Sahara Minge. Charming. Did make me laugh though.

oohmama · 12/07/2021 19:26

What a cunt

TedMullins · 12/07/2021 19:29

Christ he sounds awful and about 16. Imagine if it had been him who couldn’t get it up - would you be telling him “yeah it was bad lol” and making him feel guilty, or reassuring him that it didn’t matter and these things happen? I suspect the latter because you’re not an absolute twat.

Bin this one, he clearly has no understanding of women’s bodies and even less interest in them beyond something to put his dick in. I’d be closing my vagina to him forever if I were you

Sadsiblingatsea · 12/07/2021 19:37

What a horrible immature man.

SignOnTheWindow · 12/07/2021 19:39

@squeak17

Thank you so so much for your comments everyone - I feel much better about it knowing it wasn’t just me overreacting! Flowers

Annoying as I thought he was a really nice guy - I’ve just sent a text basically saying it didn’t sit well with me and I don’t think we should go on any more dates. His response (or lack of) will probably tell me a lot!

Fwiw, I think that's a good response. He's shown his true colours.