this is rude isn’t it? or am i sensitive?

[squeak17]

Been talking to a guy from OLD through lockdown and we finally met and have been on 4 dates now.
Slept together on date 2 and it was ridiculously good. Everything carried on as normal, went on a really fun third date (didn’t dtd) and then a 4th on which we dtd again.

It didn’t go great though, I was a little bit drunk and wasn’t really “opening up” so he struggled to get it in (sorry, tmi!). Eventually we did and it was fine but I felt so bad.

After this (about a week ago) he’s been a bit off with me since and i asked what was up and if it was because of that night. He reassured me it was all okay and he really didn’t mind, he was a bit down about a few work things and he definitely sees potential with me and is excited for another date. Things have seemed quite normal again last few days.

Last night he was a bit drunk I think (football) and he texted “oh wow f*ck me” (not in that context - something he was surprised about the football!) and I cheekily replied “happily”. He usually takes this flirting quite well but he said “lol yeah we tried and it didn’t work”. I asked why he brought that up and he said “was going to come up eventually wasn’t it” (even though I asked him about it the other day??)

I said that explains why he’s been off and he just kept saying things like I’m being dramatic, to relax, and “it’s calm/it’s not that deep”. He then said “yeah it was bad but relax” then tried to change the subject to football. I asked why he would say that when he knew it made me feel shit/guilty at the time and he said “yeah cos you knew it was bad, just calm down”.

I now feel like I’m being overdramatic but I did feel rubbish and guilty. I could understand if we just weren’t sexually compatible but I feel like he’s now gone off me for one bad performance when our first one was insane - so I thought he’d understand if it was a one-off?

It can’t just be me who thinks this is pretty horrible, or am I just being sensitive?

@TheFoundations

With regard to this situation, and any other situations in the future, if somebody tells you that you are being oversensitive, what they are essentially saying is 'You are being too sensitive for me' If they say 'calm down', they mean 'You are not being calm enough for me'

There is no objective level of sensitive or calm or anything that we are 'supposed to be'. You are 100% the exact right level of sensitive for you.

It works the other way, too. You think he's been horrible, but you ask for input from outside, because you're not sure he has been horrible. Nobody can tell you, because there is no objective level of unhorribleness we're supposed to meet. Everybody does horrible things sometimes, but we're mostly not horrible people. So, if what he did felt horrible to you, nothing else matters.

He told you your feelings were wrong. You have looked to MN to check that your feelings were right. But you need to have faith in your own feelings; if it feels horrible to you, it IS horrible to you. Being able to validate your own emotions like this will put you in a much safer, more self respecting place to be dating from.

This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen, anywhere. May I copy and show to my kids?

Of course, @SignOnTheWindow

I wish I'd been taught it as a kid and I'm very glad if it helps yours

Now that I’ve called it off I suddenly feel unsure and sad because I really liked him and thought he was really nice 🤧 I know he’s been an arsehole though.
He hasn’t replied yet 😂
Thanks so much everyone for the comments. @TheFoundations what you said is amazing advice and I’ll definitely take that on board from now 🌸