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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Wrists grab is this ok

94 replies

Meesechelt · 11/07/2021 23:16

Tonight’s been horrendous. I don’t normally like football but it’s England and it’s history in making I get it either win or lose however since showing that interest it’s just gone a little haywire here but I think I’m being a bit daft ? Or I
Know I’m not being daft but seeking reassurance if honest. There’s now a hole in our bedroom door and my arm was twisted from the wrist. I talk with my hands bbq a lot so gesticulate all the time but me getting excited with the football seemed to make my husband less interested in it. He shouted at me that I’d be calling police etc I don’t see how but why does it have to be that I can’t be excited or have an opinion ?

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 12/07/2021 01:48

You need to report this to the police. Once he's started this, he won't stop. You need to get this creep out of your house, or you need to leave. So sorry.Flowers

EKGEMS · 12/07/2021 01:56

Call the police-the next thing in your house to be broken is your body

faithfulbird20 · 12/07/2021 04:18

Are you okay hun? Forget about the messages not being clear comments. I wouldn't be clear if I had gone through something like that. Honestly what are people like eh? I hope you're okay and I bet you're wishing you had a normal day...or want things to get back to normal. What he did was not okay and he should acknowledge that. Do you want to leave him? You do sound shaken. Ask him to leave.

Saidtoomuch · 12/07/2021 07:58

I hope you were okay over night. If things have hopefully calmed down this morning, please quietly start to make arrangements to leave, perhaps call in sick, get your bags packed whilst he is at work and go back to your parents, a friend's sofa, anywhere. As someone else has already said, he has now shown you who he is - believe him.

Meesechelt · 12/07/2021 08:49

Thank you all for your lovely messages . I managed to sleep finally and feel a bit like I am
Over reacting he’s all normal now and went off to work all fine .. I am working from home so can just focus on that . Sorry for my confusing message initially i knew what I was trying to describe but it was a bit disjointed I am sorry and am grateful for everyone’s opinions I really am

OP posts:
Maddiemademe · 12/07/2021 08:54

Hi OP, how are you feeling this morning? Would you consider speaking to someone about this?

It does tend to escalate after they first get physical with you unfortunately so unlikely to be a one off.

If you don’t feel strong enough today than that is OK. If you feel like it please keep posting just so you know you do have support out there. Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/07/2021 08:57

It sounds as if you were both pissed.

But grabbing and twisting your wrists? That's not acceptable. At all.

Are you OK this morning?

BountyIsUnderrated · 12/07/2021 08:57

If he's more concerned that you will call the police than making sure you are ok he knows he's done wrong and doesn't care.
Sick abuser, please get help. Flowers

Lweji · 12/07/2021 08:59

Overreacting? Not at all.
You are underreacting.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 12/07/2021 09:01

If you don’t want to talk to the police, use the online form.

Please report it though, and please consider leaving him. This may be the first time but it’s likely to be the last. You deserve better x

NoNobramma · 12/07/2021 09:02

If he is a half decent bloke he would be calling the police himself today to admit to breaking the law and hurting you.

I can bet that won’t happen and now even you are under reacting and thinking it was all nothing.

When it wasn’t nothing. It was domestic abuse.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/07/2021 09:06

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy the OP says she doesn’t drink.

Umberellatheweatha · 12/07/2021 09:08

Start looking into leaving him. The man breaks doors. He isn't normal. Next time it could be your jaw.

Relationships are meant to make life happier. This guy is not partner material.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/07/2021 09:08

@ineedaholidaynow no need to get snippy.

I missed that post. And her posts/typing were all jumbled up.

I was mainly worried about if she was OK or not.

AliasGrape · 12/07/2021 09:13

You are massively underreacting.

What happens was abuse and it will happen again and it will escalate. I promise you that’s how these things work.

Ignore people on here saying you sound drunk or criticising your posting style - it’s fine that you weren’t in the clearest headspace. You’d been attacked and you were scared.

If you feel able it would be really good to talk to a friend or family member in real life about this.

If you don’t feel up to that but would like to keep posting on here then that’s a really good first step.

You could call the national domestic violence hotline on 0808 2000 247 or if you don’t feel able to call you can use their live chat function by googling ‘refuge live chat’ or similar. You could also try contacting Women’s Aid.

There’s a pinned post at the top of the relationships board called ‘Listen Up’ or something like that with lots of useful information if you felt up to reading that.

He will either continue to ignore what happened and just expect you to ignore it too (with the threat of what might happen if you annoy him again always there) or he will be desperately sorry and swear blind it will never happen again - that’s a lie too. Or else there will be excuses and blaming you. But it was not your fault, there’s no excuse on earth that could make it ok, even if you were loud, even if you were waving your hands around like a windmill, even if he was annoyed, even if he was stressed with he football, even if he’d had a terrible day at work and the whole world is against him and he just couldn’t help himself etc etc. He was still violent and abusive to the one person he’s supposed to love and protect most. That’s who he is - he’s someone who chooses to grab a woman’s arm/ wrist and twist them to leave bruises and then kick/ punch holes in doors over pretty much nothing at all. He’s shown you who he is.

rantymcrantface66 · 12/07/2021 09:16

You really should have called the police but can understand your reluctance especially as it seemingly came out of nowhere. Or would have been no over reaction though and you have the bruise and the hole in the wall to prove it. Just be aware that rarely are these things a once off and more worrying there wasn't even alcohol involved (not that that's an excuse) next time call police ASAP.

Ozanj · 12/07/2021 09:19

He has broken the seal so to speak so the next time he hits you will be worse: just leave.

Thesheerrelief · 12/07/2021 09:24

You aren't over reacting at all. You're under reacting. He knew it was bad enough to have the police called. You need to report this.

BishBashBoshBush · 12/07/2021 09:26

You are under reacting and minimising. Just phone the police and let them do their job. You are an abused woman and can't see the wood for the trees. Please please phone them.

ComDummings · 12/07/2021 09:28

I also think you are underreacting. He assaulted you. I hope you are safe ❤️ Please call the police.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/07/2021 09:30

OP I’m sorry to say but you don’t sound completely with it, I feel like you’re worn down by this man. Note:
he will do this again
He will hurt you
It will get worse
Pls say you don’t have children in the house?
Leave and don’t look back, you’re a person not a punching bag!

Shallwesit · 12/07/2021 09:33

I think you’re in shock OP, natural reaction to someone using violence and intimidation to frighten you.

Your partner used their anger to bully you into silence and confusion.

YANBU

Why not pack your things today and leave?

There’s a horrible statistic that it takes a woman several 9?? occasions of being hurt like this before she leaves.

I’ve been there and it got much worse before it got better.

Also - tell someone in real life.

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2021 09:35

It’s not ok
Don’t minimise it now he’s acting normal again
How many times has it happened?

Shallwesit · 12/07/2021 09:35

This is not love OP. This is control.

Please call the helpline

Flowers
toocold54 · 12/07/2021 09:58

Usually when a man physically abuses their partner they cry and are overly apologetic which makes the partner think he would do it again. It doesn’t sound like he even bothered to do that!
It’s absolutely awful when your partner is violent when you have an argument but to be violent when you are happy is definitely not ok!