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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with someone on a break

60 replies

Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 11:48

My DD were had been going through a really difficult time during lockdown and after a petty argument, he split up with me.
We’ve been split up for almost 3months but in that time I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with.
I felt horrendous afterwards and have cut all contact with this person (and had STD check which was clear)
My DD has been trying to get back together since we split up and has started counselling for his anger (he isn’t abusive, just spiteful)
I really want our family to work and want to give it another go, but the problem is that when he asked if I’d slept with anyone else, I lied and said no 😔 (I know this was a massive f up!)

Since then, we have been talking through our problems, but I can’t bring myself to commit because of what I’ve done.
I’m scared that if I backtrack now, I’ll have this thrown in my face for the rest of my life and destroy any chance of a happy house for my family.

I understand that this isn’t going to sit well with a lot of people here, so I’m prepared for any backlash.
Any advice here would be greatly appreciated though? X

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 08/07/2021 11:53

Tell him? It's not like you have anything left to lose.

grapewine · 08/07/2021 11:55

Might be worth getting someone to edit your post...

But yeah, tell him.

TheBrynGhost · 08/07/2021 11:57

Don't tell him. Why would you? You have the right to privacy and you were on a break as a result of his shittiness. Don't make life harder for yourself over something so small and it is small.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 11:58

I agree, I don’t have anything to loose and if it were just about me, I’d have absolutely told him as soon as I was asked, but our 10yr old daughter could potentially loose a future with us as a family 😔

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/07/2021 11:58

I’m scared that if I backtrack now, I’ll have this thrown in my face for the rest of my life

If he's the kind of nit picking idiot who would object to you having a ONS with a random after HE dumped YOU, then frankly I'd fuck him off anyway.

Maybe you could revisit after he's completed his anger management course?

Don't put yourself (and DC?) back in a house with an angry, spiteful man.

Melitza · 08/07/2021 11:58

The only thing you've done wrong is not be honest.
However if your dp had left you then technically its none of his business what you did when he didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

What you do now is up to you.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:00

Thank you for your advise.
Why edit my post?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/07/2021 12:00

our 10yr old daughter could potentially loose a future with us as a family

With a spiteful, angry man? Not a great loss IMO.

willowmelangell · 08/07/2021 12:02

Put the shoe on the other foot. If he lied about a ons on a break, and later told you, how would you feel?

DadJoke · 08/07/2021 12:02

You need to consider why you want to tell him.

I think if you are able to live with not telling him, don't tell him. You did nothing wrong, and I can't see any benefit from it.

Janaih · 08/07/2021 12:03

Stay split up. Wonder if he'll continue with that anger management then hmmm?

I doubt he was sitting doing crosswords in those 3 months either. Not that that's relevant.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:04

Im inclined to agree that isn’t really any of his business as he left me, but It doesn’t feel small, the guilt of lying feels huge at the moment 😞

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 08/07/2021 12:04

@Qwerty84

Thank you for your advise. Why edit my post?
Because dd means daughter
grapewine · 08/07/2021 12:04

@Qwerty84

Thank you for your advise. Why edit my post?
Because it says DD instead of DP...
Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:06

Sex isn’t the issue. He’s slept with other woman when we broke up for 3 years. Sex to us is a biological and animalistic part of the human experience.
I just really regret not being straight with him when he asked

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 08/07/2021 12:10

@Qwerty84

Im inclined to agree that isn’t really any of his business as he left me, but It doesn’t feel small, the guilt of lying feels huge at the moment 😞
But the reality is there's only one way you will shift that guilt. By telling the truth.
Maggiesfarm · 08/07/2021 12:23

Don't tell him. If you were not together at the time, it's none of his business.

BorderlineHappy · 08/07/2021 12:26

How many times have you split up.
Being split up for 3 years is a long time
I don't think you should get back together,stay split and enjoy your freedom.

Happyd · 08/07/2021 12:26

Don't say a word !!I've been in this situation, he ended up using it as a way of putting the blame on me when after we got back together he had an affair and left me .. telling everyone it was because I'd slept with someone else ..

Umberellatheweatha · 08/07/2021 12:29

Why on earth would you get back with a spiteful man? Normal people are not spiteful fyi. He's even got you worried about him finding out about something you did and had every right to do, whilst single, that is none of his buisness.

Keep him out of your life. Your daughter doesnt need to see her mother living with some bellend and claiming it's for her benefit. It most certainly is not. Spite has no place in healthy relationships.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:32

@BorderlineHappy

How many times have you split up. Being split up for 3 years is a long time I don't think you should get back together,stay split and enjoy your freedom.
This is the second time that we've split up. We have been together (in a sort of relationship for 12yrs) The first breakup was due to needing time to heal after a trauma, nothing to do with the relationship to be fair. And during the 3 yrs, he was really supportive (which is why I feel so guilty about this)
OP posts:
cheesymarmite · 08/07/2021 12:34

I don't think you should tell him. You were on a break and you've had an std test do it's really none of his business.
Whether or not it's a good idea to get back with him is difficult to know without knowing you.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:36

@Happyd

Don't say a word !!I've been in this situation, he ended up using it as a way of putting the blame on me when after we got back together he had an affair and left me .. telling everyone it was because I'd slept with someone else ..
That sounds really unfair! I'm so sorry to hear that you were scapegoated like that, but thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you are in a good place now ❤️
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2021 12:39

Just tell him.

Either he's a dick about it and throws it at you in which you're better off parenting seperately.

Or he says ok, you aren't in contact, you're clean, let's move on

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 12:56

@SleepingStandingUp

Just tell him.

Either he's a dick about it and throws it at you in which you're better off parenting seperately.

Or he says ok, you aren't in contact, you're clean, let's move on

Very true!

My fear is that he'll stay with me, but lord it over me.
And I suppose if that happens, then I'll have no choice but to leave as I won't be oppressed like that.

OP posts:
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