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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with someone on a break

60 replies

Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 11:48

My DD were had been going through a really difficult time during lockdown and after a petty argument, he split up with me.
We’ve been split up for almost 3months but in that time I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with.
I felt horrendous afterwards and have cut all contact with this person (and had STD check which was clear)
My DD has been trying to get back together since we split up and has started counselling for his anger (he isn’t abusive, just spiteful)
I really want our family to work and want to give it another go, but the problem is that when he asked if I’d slept with anyone else, I lied and said no 😔 (I know this was a massive f up!)

Since then, we have been talking through our problems, but I can’t bring myself to commit because of what I’ve done.
I’m scared that if I backtrack now, I’ll have this thrown in my face for the rest of my life and destroy any chance of a happy house for my family.

I understand that this isn’t going to sit well with a lot of people here, so I’m prepared for any backlash.
Any advice here would be greatly appreciated though? X

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 08/07/2021 13:03

Sex to us is a biological and animalistic part of the human experience

Like eating a packet of crisps then. So no, don't say anything. Not like it meant anything is it?

Twelvetimestwo · 08/07/2021 13:07

@Qwerty84

Sex isn’t the issue. He’s slept with other woman when we broke up for 3 years. Sex to us is a biological and animalistic part of the human experience. I just really regret not being straight with him when he asked
Envy
Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 13:47

@Twelvetimestwo
I can't make out what emoji that is?

OP posts:
everythingcrossed · 08/07/2021 14:01

If he's the sort to use this against you, is it really worth getting back together with him? I think that a lot of people wobble after splitting up and it sounds as if that is what you are doing - it would be much better to power through these doubts and stay apart.

Bridezillamaybe · 08/07/2021 14:05

Ok OP this is what I would do.

"I know you want to get back together and I do too but I've been holding back and need to tell you why now. When you asked me if I'd been with anyone else I lied and said no. This was stupid of me but I was panicking and thinking telling the truth was threatening DD's chance at a normal family.

I did sleep with someone else. It was just once. I'm not interested in him or in touch and I have been cleared for STDs. I didn't do anything wrong by sleeping with him when I was single but I know I was wrong to lie about it.

I'm apologising now for that as I know it was wrong and I should have been straight with you. But I am not going to give you any further details and I'm not going to have it held over me. So that's why I'm holding back about progressing. If you can move past it, great. If you can't then we need to leave things here."

This is how an ex presented a similar situation to me and I always thought it was very reasonable. To give him his dues, I was much younger then and it would have been the type of thing I would have dragged up for our entire relationship. He told me to take some time to think and get back to him. I did. We never talked about it again.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 08/07/2021 14:08

I don't see why you have to tell him. I think you're correct in suspecting it would be used against you later if he wanted to justify something of his own. Guilt is something women are conditioned into feeling more strongly than many men. You did nothing wrong, you weren't a couple at the time, but more importantly, he has no right to ask you. Keep it to yourself and don't give him a shitty, unfair reason to judge you.

statetrooperstacey · 08/07/2021 14:37

Don’t tell him, unless there is a decent chance he could find out ? Nothing to gain, just make your peace with it.

statetrooperstacey · 08/07/2021 14:39

Men can forgive an emotional affair but find a physical one hard to get over. Women are the opposite and are more likely to forgive a one night stand but find an emotional one hard to get over.
If he finds out say you dated the old flame once or twice but it didn’t go further.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 14:58

Thank you so much for the advice.
It's been really helpful to hear your perspectives ❤️

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 08/07/2021 15:17

[quote Qwerty84]@Twelvetimestwo
I can't make out what emoji that is? [/quote]
Normally it means envy, but I suspect not in this case.

Nausea maybe.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 15:32

@knittingaddict
Ah, that makes sense.
I appreciate that our views are a little unconventional/uncomfortable for some 😬

OP posts:
badacorn · 08/07/2021 16:04

If you want to give the relationship a real chance then don’t tell him. He has asked you a question he doesn’t want to know the answer to!

Yes it was a lie BUT you were single and free at the time, you did him no wrong, and it’s none of his business. If you tell him he will use it as an excuse to treat you like crap until the relationship breaks down again. You said he’s got a spiteful streak. I’d be really surprised if he could just move on if you told him the truth.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 16:39

Ive honestly really value what everyones said here.
Thank you- I've been feeling so alone with this, so I'm blow over by how supportive the advice has been 😥❤️

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 08/07/2021 17:08

But the thing is, why would you want to be with someone who you suspect would hold this over your head in the first place? If you know someone holds grudges and uses them as weapons, that's not someone you should date. Spiteful people are not the sort of people you should get into a relationship with.

Dontdripme · 08/07/2021 17:10

Why do you want to be with someone who is spiteful?

NowEvenBetter · 08/07/2021 17:15

Is it your dad, daughter, boyfriend or husband? What you mean by ‘DD’? 😄

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 17:16

@Umberellatheweatha

But the thing is, why would you want to be with someone who you suspect would hold this over your head in the first place? If you know someone holds grudges and uses them as weapons, that's not someone you should date. Spiteful people are not the sort of people you should get into a relationship with.
Everyone has their faults, but He's not an terrible person. I've massively f'd up by lying so I think in this situation, it's understandable that a person might use this info against their partner 😢
OP posts:
Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 17:17

@NowEvenBetter
It's my partner (daughters dad)
Sorry! I'm new to Mumsnet and don't know the lingo 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/07/2021 17:51

You have a very skewed idea of a healthy relationship if you think spiteful is not abusive. You didn’t tell him because you feared he would hold it against you and his spite, is probably why you won’t tell him in the future. You’re not protecting your daughter’s family life, your protecting yourself from a spiteful man who would punish you wether you’re in a relationship or not. Being fearful is no way to live.

It sounds like you’re consumed by making this relationship work but really haven’t evaluated the quality of the person you’ve in a relationship with.

Vanishun · 08/07/2021 17:54

[quote Qwerty84]@knittingaddict
Ah, that makes sense.
I appreciate that our views are a little unconventional/uncomfortable for some 😬[/quote]
I don't think you do really hold unconventional views. If you did, you'd have mentioned it.

Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 18:02

@Vanishun
I don't really understand what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Qwerty84 · 08/07/2021 18:06

@AgentJohnson

You have a very skewed idea of a healthy relationship if you think spiteful is not abusive. You didn’t tell him because you feared he would hold it against you and his spite, is probably why you won’t tell him in the future. You’re not protecting your daughter’s family life, your protecting yourself from a spiteful man who would punish you wether you’re in a relationship or not. Being fearful is no way to live.

It sounds like you’re consumed by making this relationship work but really haven’t evaluated the quality of the person you’ve in a relationship with.

I don't agree that his spitefulness is abusive. He's spiteful during arguments (which all couples have) which just makes it a difficult trait to deal with considering what I've done.
OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 08/07/2021 18:29

But you haven't really done anything wrong op. He was wrong to ask you if you had slept with anyone else!

OP I'm inclined to agree that spitefulness in the heat of the moment on occasion is not abusive. Sometimes we say shit we dont mean.

However, if I'm ever spiteful due to rage I feel horrible about it and strive never to repeat such behaviour. But the way you are talking about him is that this is part of his ongoing character that he has no interest in addressing. Someone who will happily repeat shitty,snotty, mean behaviour and infact, choose to, in order to make you feel bad for sleeping with someone else. That would actually be abusive. Or at the very least, not a personality trait you should accept in a partner.

toocold54 · 08/07/2021 18:50

Honestly things like this always come out in the end and I think saying it now will be better and more forgivable than 2/3 years later!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/07/2021 19:45

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

our 10yr old daughter could potentially loose a future with us as a family

With a spiteful, angry man? Not a great loss IMO.

This. Put her first.