Slept with someone on a break

[Qwerty84]

My DD were had been going through a really difficult time during lockdown and after a petty argument, he split up with me.
We’ve been split up for almost 3months but in that time I had a drunken one night stand with someone I went to school with.
I felt horrendous afterwards and have cut all contact with this person (and had STD check which was clear)
My DD has been trying to get back together since we split up and has started counselling for his anger (he isn’t abusive, just spiteful)
I really want our family to work and want to give it another go, but the problem is that when he asked if I’d slept with anyone else, I lied and said no 😔 (I know this was a massive f up!)

Since then, we have been talking through our problems, but I can’t bring myself to commit because of what I’ve done.
I’m scared that if I backtrack now, I’ll have this thrown in my face for the rest of my life and destroy any chance of a happy house for my family.

I understand that this isn’t going to sit well with a lot of people here, so I’m prepared for any backlash.
Any advice here would be greatly appreciated though? X

Oh bless you.
Its really obvious that you have huge regrets about what's happened and the lie is torturing you!
In my experience, telling him might make you feel better about it initially and relieve your guilt, but it'll also pass the negative affect onto him.
It'll probably also be very damaging for him and create a whole new set of issues for him within his self-worth and sense of security which he'll carry into any new relationships.
If he chooses to stay with you, those issues will become your's too and be as torturous (if not more so) as what your feeling now.
Your punishment is to consciously carry this to the grave.
Best of luck x

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I appreciate the concern.
He's not always the best partner, but he's a fantastic dad. I can't fault him at all there!

@DaniAlana

Oh bless you. Its really obvious that you have huge regrets about what's happened and the lie is torturing you! In my experience, telling him might make you feel better about it initially and relieve your guilt, but it'll also pass the negative affect onto him. It'll probably also be very damaging for him and create a whole new set of issues for him within his self-worth and sense of security which he'll carry into any new relationships. If he chooses to stay with you, those issues will become your's too and be as torturous (if not more so) as what your feeling now. Your punishment is to consciously carry this to the grave. Best of luck x

Thank you @DaniAlana This is my thought- I wasn't sure if I was just being a coward thinking this way

[quote Qwerty84]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I appreciate the concern.
He's not always the best partner, but he's a fantastic dad. I can't fault him at all there![/quote]
Growing up witnessing a dynamic where a partner is spiteful to the other and says nasty things in anger to the point they need counselling for it is damaging for a child. You sound level headed and sensible, but this man seems to be somewhat of a blind spot for you because you would like to remain together as a family unit. Please don't do that at the expense of your daughter having to watch and learn from a relationship that is up and down, volatile and features resentment and spiteful words. It has such a long lasting effect on kids' own relationships as adults - trust me!

What happened when you were apart should be confined to history.

Some things are best forgotten.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I'm really sorry to hear that's been your experience growing up! 😔
Honestly though, he might be cold and say spiteful things when he's angry, but he doesn't just go around taking chunks out of people/me.
He's having Counselling (off his own back) to work through abandonment issues (which is another reason I don't want to tell him as I don't want to add to that self story) and defences (the spite)

Unfortunately, the truth hurts and during an argument, this is exactly the kind of ammunition that will damage the relationship.
And that's my fault, not his.

[quote Qwerty84]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I'm really sorry to hear that's been your experience growing up! 😔
Honestly though, he might be cold and say spiteful things when he's angry, but he doesn't just go around taking chunks out of people/me.
He's having Counselling (off his own back) to work through abandonment issues (which is another reason I don't want to tell him as I don't want to add to that self story) and defences (the spite)

Unfortunately, the truth hurts and during an argument, this is exactly the kind of ammunition that will damage the relationship.
And that's my fault, not his.
[/quote]
Thank you.

Your daughter is at a monumentally shaping age when it comes to relationship modelling.

I just don't see how a man you think this of could be a good role model: "My fear is that he'll stay with me, but lord it over me."

That plus him being spiteful and having to have counselling for his anger just sounds such an unhealthy male role model for a ten year old to share a home with as she will think it's what dads are like and that that makes it ok, when it really isn't.

I guess you could tell him the truth and make your decision about what to do next based on whether he responds in a spiteful way or not. It just sounds like maybe the relationship has had too many knocks to survive and coparenting but not being together may be best.

Good luck either way

I can’t see this ending well if you tell him as he doesn’t sound like the type of man that will take it well.

Ask yourself if he is going through angst of this level about the relationship OP?
I'm with others on here. I think you should consider staying away from him and co parenting in a civilised way apart from each other.

You don't sound 100% committed and I don't blame you. You are not there to facilitate his access to his DD, you have needs and rights too. It sounds like you are subjugating yourself to this man for some reason.

You know, I am not sure why you are going back to someone who has been on and off for years and has split with you several times, that is more damaging for kids than splitting once.

But considering how nasty he is and how worse he could become, put yourself first and what would work better for everyone: throw the guilt away and do say nothing

Do not incriminate yourself in front of an unfair judgemental individual, it is not rocket science.