Curious about the behaviours. Normal or a red flag/too much.

[VirginCoconutOil]

I've had a new fwb for coming up to 4 months.

I don't do relationships. I haven't had a relationship for a very.long time. I have no interest in one either so this isn't me hoping you'll all tell me he's actually fallen in love with me

I'm just curious. He does things that I'm not familiar with/have no experience of. I can't work out if it's nice or too much. I mean, it's too much for me but I just wonder whether other women might like it. Whether it's normal or a bit much. Thanks.

He messages every morning/night without fail, regardless of what else he's doing, as a minimum.

He sometimes tells me I'm beautiful etc (I'm not and I don't need to be told I am).

He has come to my house once or twice just to drop off 'care packages' eg once when I was ill and once when he knew I had a very heavy work weekend. He leaves them on the doorstep for me to find.

I said I wanted to do a bit of work in my garden and he planned to come and do it for me on his day off as a surprise but the bad weather stopped him.

If we're sitting on the sofa or something together, when I stand up to walk away, he sometimes pulls me back for a hug or to sit on his lap for a few seconds.

He often offers to do things for me (and acts upon it if I let him) eg fixing things, etc although I'm more than capable of doing these things myself and he knows that.

I don't know, it just seems a bit 'much. I feel quite squashed by it. If that makes sense.

For context, I've known him for a few years. We met irl.

Perfectly normal behaviour for a couple in a relationship...but it's not what you want, so 🤷‍♀️

You need to talk and set your boundaries for what YOU want out of this. It does sound like he is more invested. If he does want more, and you don't, it would be kinder to tell him now and let him go find it elsewhere, rather than him trying and getting nowhere with you.

Does he know he is a FWB and you have no interest in a relationship? I see this as normal behaviour from someone who likes you. As long as you are honest with him and he knows where he stands.

This is a man who is showing you he really cares. He knows you can do it all yourself, but he's showing you that you don't have to anymore

It sounds normal and caring to me, but maybe too much too soon if you’re feeling suffocated.

I think the main two parts that perhaps I would find too much are the constant messaging, and turning up unannounced to do the garden. The care packages, compliments etc are fine.

Do you think your privacy is being invaded? I always think there’s a fine line between caring and controlling - do:you find it more controlling? Do you feel you have to tell him everything and how does he respond if you don’t?

Maybe just tell him him you feel everything is going a bit fast for you?

Sounds perfectly nice and very normal.
My amazing DH does the hug thing and it can drive me a bit potty tbh as he is very much hug hug hug and im like "good grief! get off me! i need a drink of water/ to sneeze / a pee / whatever!"

I cant tell whats going on and if you really dont like it/him overall.... as it does sound like its sitting badly and is uncomfortable (because of past bad relationships?)/you arent used to being treated nicely.
But you say "squashed" which makes it sound quite claustrophobic...

It does sound too much for FWB to me. I would find the pulling back down for a hug after standing up thing maddening, even in a relationship!

Does he know that you don’t want a relationship?

Thanks.

Yes, it's definitely no more than a casual fling. He's a bit younger than me and wants to settle down, get married, and have children but that kind of thing is my past, not my future and I absolutely wouldn't want to stand in his way on any of it..

He is absolutely fine if I need to cancel for whatever reason. So no it doesn't feel controlling.

I'm just surprised and surprisedsome of you are saying it's normal. I've never been in any kind of relationship with someone who behaved like this. Absolutely none of it! I know it's not 'lovebombing' because it's not frequent or intense enough and that would just push me away completely. But I didn't know what it was.

I don't know how I feel about the behaviours. I don't know if it's too much or whether it's something I like and am just unused to.

I hope he doesn't have feelings. I really fancy him and the chemistry is great but I won't fall in love with him.

And no, I don't feel I need to tell him everything I do etc. In fact, I'm very vague about where I am and who I'm with otherwise. As is he. Which is fine.

He might be in love with you though.

You aren't happy with the situation so tell him. He may really like you and thinks he can change your mind and be a committed couple. A talk is needed it seems to say you don't want more than FWB. If he wants a committed relationship he is wasting his time.

Give it time and see if you get used to it and like it. Takes a while to become accustomed to a change in the status quo. If you don't like it, then it's time for a (pleasant) talk or to end the benefits part of the friendship.

It sounds like he really does like you though, and friends are never a bad thing!

He sounds lovely, but you sound cold. If you definitely don't want anything more than fwb you need to let him go and find someone who'll give him the relationship he deserves.

Well, I'd like all those things. But you don't and that's what matters surely?

A little bit of me is thinking it's a bit sad you haven't experienced anyone doing those kind and caring things for you before. But then I shhok myself and told myself not yo be patronising. Sorry OP!

I don't know that I don't like it. It's just so very different.

We have talked about it at the beginning and it was established that it was just casual. He refers to himself as being single. I did wonder if it was just how he is with everyone, and I guess it's be, but it seems like a lot of effort on his part.

A little bit of me is thinking it's a bit sad you haven't experienced anyone doing those kind and caring things for you before. But then I shhok myself and told myself not yo be patronising. Sorry OP!

A little bit of me also thinks it's a bit sad I haven't experienced this before too! None of it. I'd just accepted I was never going to have any of that which is why I only have fwbs.

Sounds like you need a talk.
If he said he did want a relationship with you, would you want one with him? Seems a shame not to if its what you both want

The hugging and wanting me to sit on his lap would really irritate me ... surely that's a teenage thing .... just make it absolutely clear to him that you don't want/need sloppy behaviour... rephrase it a bit more nicely if you want to but he does sound as though he wants more than a FWB arrangement.

He's in his 20s so maybe that explains it?

Although, I never had anyone do that when I was in my teens or 20s either!

I do actually think it's quite sad that you've never experienced anything like this in a relationship OP.

Perhaps he sees it as a way to practice for when he has a full relationship with someone he's in love with (and loves him too). He can do odd jobs and learn, but it's safe to make a mistake because you are capable and don't really need him. Likewise the cuddles and affection, maybe he's just getting some practice in for the real thing?

@MondayYogurt

Perhaps he sees it as a way to practice for when he has a full relationship with someone he's in love with (and loves him too). He can do odd jobs and learn, but it's safe to make a mistake because you are capable and don't really need him. Likewise the cuddles and affection, maybe he's just getting some practice in for the real thing?

I've wondered that too!

If that's the case, then that's fair enough.

In that respect, I suppose i can view him in the same way - without him, I wouldn't be experiencing any of this myself.

I do think he can be 'too much' at times. Eg he's coming to mine on Friday night but I've told him I've got to be out early Saturday morning. I'm going to buy some technical kit for a hobby I do. It's for me so I need to be there but its not a decision I want to make alone as its not my money so I'm taking one of the guys with me. He said that was fine and, if he'd known, he'd have looked out for the kit for me. It's not something he has any interest or expertise in so it wouldn't have been the same but I think he sees it that he should have done that for me rather than me asking someone else.

He's been fine about it, no jealousy or issues, but that's the kind of thing he might need to be aware of when he is in a relationship - that he doesn't need to he everything to that person.

It sounds reasonably standard for all the FWBs I’ve had. Just because two people don’t want to be exclusive and work towards the traditional relationship escalator of dating, becoming partners, settling down together etc doesn’t mean they can’t both still want and enjoy depth and care and affection - plus the ‘F’ part of the FWB is actually pretty important and what distinguishes it from a basic hookup relationship where you’re both just scratching an itch.

I agree with you that some of it like the hobby kit thing comes across a bit OTT and I think it’s fine to tell him so and be fine that you like your independence. I have a couple of (platonic) friends though who are attentive to the point of stifling sometimes and would absolutely say something like this, so I wonder if it’s just some people’s personality.

My bf does little things like this, and if I comment on it, his answer is something like "Of course I do that; it's just normal, decent behaviour". I don't think it's because he feels like he should be doing that in his role as a bf. I have wondered if his experience as a young man shaped his character - his dad died when he was 20ish and he stayed on at home slightly longer than he would have to support his mum.

Interesting replies! Thanks.

It does seem that it's usual for relationships then and pretty normal! Maybe less so for fwbs. My previous ones have also been with men I've already been friends with - not fbs or hook ups but they haven't done anything boyfriendy, I don't think.

It really just did wonder if this was the sort of thing other women had experienced from boyfriends, and I can see it would be quite nice really!

It's certainly made me see that I've done the right thing by eschewing relationships in favour of fwbs though given I've never had anyone do anything like this before.

And yes, the friendship is the most important part. We've talked about that and I'm confident we'd keep that going after the benefits have ended (most likely to be when he has met someone he sees some sort of potential with).

Thanks

It's too much if you feel it's too much.

One issue I found with fwb is that the some guys who do them often want you to fall in love with them. Not because they want a relationship but because they need it for their ego.

So they act like they are falling for you. They do things boyfriends should do but not fwb. And really, its bulldozing your boundaries.

Tbf, fwb its an relationship which needs to have boundaries determined by talking. Tell him what is ok and what is not for you. See if he observes this or...if he takes a huff/or pretends to be ok but then slowly starts pushing the boundaries again. If he does the later, he is not a suitable fwb.

But you gotta talk about your (and his) do and donts first. There may simply be a communication issue. Or an incompatability issue with what you both want.

My fwb texts me every day. That's the 'friend' part of it! I moved away and haven't seen him for about 3yrs but we're already planning our day in bed when I go back next month!