Curious about the behaviours. Normal or a red flag/too much.

[VirginCoconutOil]

I've had a new fwb for coming up to 4 months.

I don't do relationships. I haven't had a relationship for a very.long time. I have no interest in one either so this isn't me hoping you'll all tell me he's actually fallen in love with me

I'm just curious. He does things that I'm not familiar with/have no experience of. I can't work out if it's nice or too much. I mean, it's too much for me but I just wonder whether other women might like it. Whether it's normal or a bit much. Thanks.

He messages every morning/night without fail, regardless of what else he's doing, as a minimum.

He sometimes tells me I'm beautiful etc (I'm not and I don't need to be told I am).

He has come to my house once or twice just to drop off 'care packages' eg once when I was ill and once when he knew I had a very heavy work weekend. He leaves them on the doorstep for me to find.

I said I wanted to do a bit of work in my garden and he planned to come and do it for me on his day off as a surprise but the bad weather stopped him.

If we're sitting on the sofa or something together, when I stand up to walk away, he sometimes pulls me back for a hug or to sit on his lap for a few seconds.

He often offers to do things for me (and acts upon it if I let him) eg fixing things, etc although I'm more than capable of doing these things myself and he knows that.

I don't know, it just seems a bit 'much. I feel quite squashed by it. If that makes sense.

For context, I've known him for a few years. We met irl.

I can see how it would be annoying too - it is a good feeling when you've achieved something alone. But, for instance, my bf is musclier than I am so can tighten a screw more firmly: if I rejected his help entirely and insisted on being totally independent. I'd have wobblier chairs. It's that practical. But you don't have to accept all their support in a gf/bf relationship either.

I wouuldn't like the grabbing me back down as I got up.

And planning to secretly go in your back garden to do something 'as a surprise' is arguably a bit creepy.

A bloke who offers to do DIY etc stuff is a godsend though IMHO, (assuming they go through with it) but then, I can't do it at all.

He sounds like he would make a great long term partner , but obviously you don't want him to be yours.
I think I would be telling him often that you enjoy his company but you don't want it to go any further than that.

It's normal for a relationship but not normal for fwb

He sounds lovely. It's normal for partners to nice things for each other (as long as both parties agree that its nice). I love it when my partner does something unexpected and I really enjoy doing it for him too.

Sounds like the poor fella is head over heels for you!

Reminds me of my DP when I first met him, I was in love with him from the start but all the ‘muchly’ stuff made me think he might be lovebombing which scared me a little. But fear not, he was just a genuinely sweet hopeless romantic and he is still the same now.

I really would consider sitting the gent down and having a serious talk about what you want from the relationship, because I have a feelings my his heart is going to break either way and it’s better to do it now than later.

Sounds like a nice guy to be fair. Red flags to me are.

Lies.
Stories changing.
Over the top gestures and commitment that turn into snide comments overtime.
Broken relationships and alot of stories about others doing him wrong.
A big ego.
Having triangles of women around him.
Gaslighting etc.

I think he sounds really nice, tbh. How much younger is he? It's interesting that you find it a problem - are you not used to men treating you nicely and think there must be something up with them if they do?

I agree with pp. He isn't going to meet anyone "with potential " while he's behaving like this with you so you are being a bit unfair on him by not having the conversation

I'm just surprised and surprised some of you are saying it's normal. I've never been in any kind of relationship with someone who behaved like this

Really? You must have had very cold, stand offish relationships in the past, it's not even remotely excessive :/

We've had the conversation. We had the conversation right at the start where we wrangled out what we were doing. He's known for a few years. He knows I only casually date at most but mostly I have fwbs. When I bother.

Previous fwbs, I've messaged most days too - that is the friendship part. But mainly, I've been single for the past 10 years. In my teens and 20s, I only dated casually. Never had anyone i wanted to have more with or who wanted more with me. I've never fallen in love and, as far as I know, I've never broken any hearts!

I did have one longer term relationship in my 20s with someone I thought it might work with because we were friends for a long time first but it didn't. Good friends don't necessarily make good partners! And we continued to just be very good friends with little else.

But no, I've never had anyone go out of their way to do something to make me feel special or say nice things to me particularly. A couple of love bombers but I got rid of them pretty quickly.

Maybe he is trying to make me fall in love with him. Maybe that's ego or whatever. Who knows? But it won't work.

HollowTalk

Yes, I think thats exactly it. He's a LOT younger. I'm in my 40s.

ravenmum

I've just been on my own for so long that I've just got used to it. I'm not used to asking anyone for help or support. I just get on with it. I wouldn't reject help i actually needed but I tend to just get on with things without even asking.

I thought it was a bit odd that he said he'd have helped with the tech kit thing if he'd known about it. I didn't need him to help with that, I spoke to someone I'd be using the kit with, which made sense to me and still does.

It just occurred to me that what he was doing was stuff some women might experience in relationships. So I thought I'd ask.

I need a lot of time and space to myself so I couldn't imagine being in a proper relationship with someone who did these things. I see him once a fortnight or so. This sort of thing more often would drive me mad I think! 🤣

I'm surprised at people saying it's normal for a relationship if not FWB's, as for me it would be on the edge of too much for both scenarios.

Messaging every day would definitely be way too much on it's own - I'd feel really stifled by that - and pulling me back for a hug etc would be put a stop to immediately. In my family we all hate 'being mauled' as it's called and are just not 'huggy' types. Plus it feels possessive when coming from a man. Ditto some of the other examples, OK in (very small) moderation. More is too much..

I don't think it's cold or stand-offish or emotionally stunted - you can be kind, close and intimate without being clingy and needy. But l I suspect lots of women who have never lived alone/been single for longer periods are simply not used to being as independent and don't find such behaviour as smothering as people like you and I do. Each to their own!

I was going to say I'll have him if you don't want him... Then you dropped that he's in his 20's so I'll pass.
Interested that you have what other people want but don't want it.
I have had bad relationship after bad relationship last one was a narc so has put me off for life. Thought nice men were extinct.
Time to tell him I think OP

He sounds genuinely nice ,kind and caring ,possibly a good catch for someone looking for that kind of thing .
I think you should let him go ,he's going to get hurt if you don't want what he wants to give .

He’s definitely falling for you. You say he is younger than you. Would you know if he had many sexual partners before you? I was 21 when I first had sex and got for head over heals about the first guy I was with….despite it being a fwb situation 🙈

Quick update... he stayed last night. Lovely evening, great sex, very sweet... had a chat this morning. We're on the same page and he offered to go out and trim my hedge. Which is what he's doing right now.

It's all good but it has made me realise that the way he is is (mostly) what I'd like in a relationship should I ever have one!

it sounds like a delightful FWB situation!

Op you sound really cold! He is expressing affection and telling you you are beautiful- do you realise how odd it sounds that you dislike that so intensely? Beauty is in the eye if the beholder he fancies you and finds you attractive.

I'm sad for you if you are finding his very normal behaviour so odd.

Well. It sounds nice as wrll that you are able to consider it all thoughtfully and work it through and enjoy being with him

Your FWB treats you so much better than anyone I’ve ever had a full on relationship with! Man treats woman well..must be a red flag!

@Sacredspace

Your FWB treats you so much better than anyone I’ve ever had a full on relationship with! Man treats woman well..must be a red flag!

Yeah, same here. It's just so far out of my realm of experience that it just felt weird!

Op you sound really cold! He is expressing affection and telling you you are beautiful- do you realise how odd it sounds that you dislike that so intensely?

If I am.cold, it's a lifetime.of experience thar has got me here. I wasn't always like this. There was a time I assumed I'd fall in love with someone who fell in love with me but the longer I've lived without that, the less likely it seems 🤷🏻‍♀️

I reckon you're pretty sensible virgin.

Just make sure he doesn't stop looking for a normal relationship.

@Christmasfairy2020

Just make sure he doesn't stop looking for a normal relationship.

Oh, I am.

Seems like he is wasting his time if he wants marriage and children. He should be having a life meeting like-minded women, not trimming your hedge.