Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP accused me of having an affair with my ex

56 replies

omsatt · 07/07/2021 09:19

I'm new here but I could do with some advice.

I have 3 boys with my ex (18,18 and 14). I've been with my ‘D’P for 4 years, he moved in when we found out I was pregnant in January 2018 at the time we'd been together for a year. He was lovely the whole pregnancy, and I gave birth in October 2018 to his first child but my 4th boy. He was lovely for a bit afterwards but then he started acting different (always wanted us to have sex even though I hadn't long gave birth, was a bit controlling, we argued more etc). I then found a little bag of cocaine which was obviously his, baby was about a month old at this point. He denied it and said it was his brothers, but I told him to leave which he did and we had a break. He did come to see baby often though. I then found out I was pregnant again. But I didn't tell him for a while, after Christmas, we talked and I told him I was pregnant and I decided to give him another chance as long as he got help and didn't bring drugs into the house. He agreed and he was lovely again.

I gave birth to DD in August 2019, and things were great for a while. He did occasionally ask for sex which I refused sometimes but he was fine with it.
I did look after my ex’s baby, as he was about 6 months older than DS4 and my ex has full custody of him. But my partner was always fine with it.

In about March of this year, we started arguing a lot more again and he used to wake the younger 2 up with his shouting. Recently, he's also been saying how he wants another baby, which I don't want as I'm happy with the children I have and there's no room. My elder 2 share, DS3 has his own (very small) room, DS4 sleeps in our bed and DD sleeps in our room in her cot. He always says to put DS4 in with DS3 which I don't think is very fair as his room is tiny as it is and I know he wouldn't like sharing with his younger brother!

He's also said that DS1 and DS2 need to move out as they're adults and they're taking up the bigger room and DS4 and DD could share that room.

Last night, he asked for sex and I said no as DS4 was in our bed, he then told me to ask Ds1&2 to watch him for a bit. I said no as I was also tired and he went downstairs and seemed very annoyed, I followed him and asked him why he was annoyed and he said because I don't want to have sex with him, I told him im tired, he then accused me of having an affair with my ex!

I'm obviously not, I do look after his son for him occasionally if he's working and he's not at nursery but I have no idea why my partner thinks we're having an affair.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 13:46

Sounds like you have 3 toddlers op...
Seriously no way would I be encouraging my older dc to move out. My ds didn't until he was 24 and my 2x ds's shared a room until then.. Families manage. Seems like he only wants a family on his terms. Even suggesting adding to it to ensure you feel like you can't dump him...imo.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2021 13:55

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Sounds like you have 3 toddlers op... Seriously no way would I be encouraging my older dc to move out. My ds didn't until he was 24 and my 2x ds's shared a room until then.. Families manage. Seems like he only wants a family on his terms. Even suggesting adding to it to ensure you feel like you can't dump him...imo.
Tbf, assuming they don't have any bedrooms going spare, they can't have two young children in with them for much longer.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 13:59

What sort of man wants to evict existing dc to make room for more?
The op is still their dm regardless of being 18 +. He doesn't get to decide such things.

category12 · 07/07/2021 14:19

Is he a part-owner of the house or is he on the tenancy if you rent? Because if not, he has no right to stay if you tell him to leave.

So what if he says you're not a good enough mother? Who died and made him judge of anyone?

Does he contribute to the household finances?

Original poster
omsatt · 07/07/2021 14:47

No, it's just my name on the tenancy. He does contribute to the household finances as I don't work (I did up until I had DS4 but I decided not to go back after maternity leave).

OP posts:
F900 · 08/07/2021 00:22

You need to leave him.

Lunettesloupes · 08/07/2021 00:31

Make some extra room in your house by getting rid of the man.

AgentJohnson · 08/07/2021 06:02

You kind of slept walked into this position. This is who he is and always was, you just kept ignoring it.

MaMaD1990 · 08/07/2021 06:12

Have you asked him why he thinks you're having an affair? It does sound like he's throwing his dummy out because you've said no to sex which is pretty gross.

Solasum · 08/07/2021 06:29

I think you need to get back in to work. It gives you more options.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/07/2021 07:39

@omsatt

No, it's just my name on the tenancy. He does contribute to the household finances as I don't work (I did up until I had DS4 but I decided not to go back after maternity leave).
Was this encouraged by him? It’s another way (along with pregnancy) to keep control of you and to maintain your dependency on him.

You need to get this man out of you life. He is emotionally abusive.

layladomino · 08/07/2021 07:41

It makes me so sad that he wants your older DC to leave. No child should ever be pushed out of their family home. You say that DC1 has no reason to have a problem with this man? Really?? The man who wants him to get his own home at 18? I genuinely think it could scar them, and their relationship with you, if you asked them to leave (ie chose this man over them).

Him accusing you of having an affair is the least concerning bit in your op. It's a small detail. He treats you badly. Pushes for sex. Treats your children badly (you've listed a few examples). Wants you to have another DC even though I expect you would take on the lion's share and it would force out your two oldest children.

He is not a good Dad - no sign of it in anything you've said. In fact he's a pretty rubbish one. He is not a good partner. He is in YOUR home - telling YOUR children to move out. They have much more right to it than him. Please just ask him to leave. If he refuses get help, as he has no right to be there. He's clearly bringing nothing good to your life. Bear in mind that things got worse after you had DC with him. It would get worse with another.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/07/2021 07:48

Yes, @layladomino

He’s attempting to isolate her completely.

He sounds very sinister

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:06

Good father who wakes up the children with shouting, brings drugs into the house, wats to have sex with the baby in the bed, wants to drive your oldest out of the house and have more children when you don't have enough room for the ones you already have? hmm

I'd add wants to have sex too soon after you've given birth too.

He sounds like he's using/trying to use pregnancy & babies to tie to down. It's a form of abuse.
He thinks if you're pregnant and coming down with babies/kids you won't finish with him, kick him out etc. He also probably thinks it'll keep you to busy and tied to ever cheat.

There are about five big red flags about him in your first post.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:07

*too busy and tied down to ever cheat

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:11

He can't refuse to move out if it's only your name on the deeds or tenancy (not sure if you own or rent).

Also him saying he thinks you wouldn't be a good single mother to your kids ..... Just lol.

Who's he to say? He barely looks after his kids, either from previous relationship or yours on his own. He gets you to look after his kids when he has them by the sounds of it. He works away and you and his ex look after his kids.

He's suggesting pushing out your older kids ..... That's really bad, they're not 25. How dare he.

He's a bad family man actually.

He sounds sexually coercive.

I don't know why his opinion is supposed to count gor anything.
Just because he says it, doesn't mean it's valid.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:14

You say that DC1 has no reason to have a problem with this man? Really?? The man who wants him to get his own home at 18? I genuinely think it could scar them, and their relationship with you, if you asked them to leave (ie chose this man over them).

Exactly.

You're still a kid at 18.

Most people are studying or training or working maybe .. bit still living at home. They v much need the support of their parents in many ways. They should not be pushed out. He must sense this man wants them out, even if it hasn't been said outright.

Also maybe your eldest, being the most grown up, has realised something you apparently haven't ... That this man is no good and is in fact an abuser.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:19

Him accusing you of having an affair

He seems to want to keep you pregnant/having children with him ... So.e jealous controlling men do this as a strategy to feel the woman is tied down, less attractive to other men and low risk of cheating on them. The fact that he accuses you of infidelity when there apparently is no evidence whatsoever of you being unfaithful, and presumably the only man you ever really have contact with is your ex, due to your shared kids, .... Goes to back up that he's a very jealous, controlling type.

Also worth noting that people who are always jealous and suspicious and accusing their partners of cheating .... Are often the sort of people to cheat themselves. They think everyone thinks and acts like them, which is why they're always suspicious and paranoid about cheating.

He works away, I wouldn't trust him one bit.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:23

Sorry I meant to say, he's tied you down so much that the only man you presumably have the slightest contact with is your ex .... So he's accusing you of cheating with your ex. It's ridiculous.

You won't change a man like that.

He's controlling, jealous ... He sounds very sex fixated, hence he won't even stop handling you for sex soon after you've given birth or when you're dealing with young babies.

That's a particular type of sleazy, entitled (to sex), east to cheat, controlling type of creep .. he should go, not your teenage children.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:27

*hassling you for sex

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:32

O see it's only your name on the tenancy.

Good, he has no right to stay there if you want him to leave.

I suggest you get some support from other people if you can to.get him out - the police if he really won't go ... Because I wouldn't put it past this type of man to get physical If you get assertive about him leaving. He's the type that no doubt thinks no woman would be telling him what to do.

Flowers500 · 08/07/2021 08:38

You need to stop lying to yourself!!!

Your DS doesn’t have any reason to dislike him?!? He’s watching his mom getting treated like a sack of shit by a man who wants him gone, who gets coked up and wakes them with his screaming, who is clearly just wanting babies as a tool to abuse his mom.

But he doesn’t have any reason to dislike the abusive twat you’ve moved in who adds nothing to their lives?!??

Flowers500 · 08/07/2021 08:40

Also telling that you focus on the cheating accusations, you’ve long since accepted you and your children being treated like utter shit.

MarshmallowAra · 08/07/2021 08:55

I've just remembered the cocaine he brought into the family home ..... He says he doesn't think you'd be a good single mother?!

Well you're already a thousand times better a parent than him because you haven't brought a fkg class A drug into your kids home!!!!!

Your older kids could have found it and accidentally or experimentally tried it, your younger kids or babies could have found it and taken it... Small babies and toddlers out everything in their mouths.

What exactly does he think his image as a parent would be if you'd told social services or the police about the bag of cocaine he had in his kids home.

He's full of shit.

If he's bringing coke I to his kids home I really have to winder what he gets up to when he's working away etc.

Bet he gets to go out while you don't too (?)

Maray1967 · 08/07/2021 12:22

Please just chuck this vile man out. Tell the police he’s brought cocaine in but that he won’t leave.
Please take this very seriously: there is a very good reason why your older son doesn’t like him. He can see what is going on here. He wants to take over this place, have you at his beck and call and kick your older sons out . Think about it and act, you need to put your Dc first, not him.