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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP accused me of having an affair with my ex

56 replies

omsatt · 07/07/2021 09:19

I'm new here but I could do with some advice.

I have 3 boys with my ex (18,18 and 14). I've been with my ‘D’P for 4 years, he moved in when we found out I was pregnant in January 2018 at the time we'd been together for a year. He was lovely the whole pregnancy, and I gave birth in October 2018 to his first child but my 4th boy. He was lovely for a bit afterwards but then he started acting different (always wanted us to have sex even though I hadn't long gave birth, was a bit controlling, we argued more etc). I then found a little bag of cocaine which was obviously his, baby was about a month old at this point. He denied it and said it was his brothers, but I told him to leave which he did and we had a break. He did come to see baby often though. I then found out I was pregnant again. But I didn't tell him for a while, after Christmas, we talked and I told him I was pregnant and I decided to give him another chance as long as he got help and didn't bring drugs into the house. He agreed and he was lovely again.

I gave birth to DD in August 2019, and things were great for a while. He did occasionally ask for sex which I refused sometimes but he was fine with it.
I did look after my ex’s baby, as he was about 6 months older than DS4 and my ex has full custody of him. But my partner was always fine with it.

In about March of this year, we started arguing a lot more again and he used to wake the younger 2 up with his shouting. Recently, he's also been saying how he wants another baby, which I don't want as I'm happy with the children I have and there's no room. My elder 2 share, DS3 has his own (very small) room, DS4 sleeps in our bed and DD sleeps in our room in her cot. He always says to put DS4 in with DS3 which I don't think is very fair as his room is tiny as it is and I know he wouldn't like sharing with his younger brother!

He's also said that DS1 and DS2 need to move out as they're adults and they're taking up the bigger room and DS4 and DD could share that room.

Last night, he asked for sex and I said no as DS4 was in our bed, he then told me to ask Ds1&2 to watch him for a bit. I said no as I was also tired and he went downstairs and seemed very annoyed, I followed him and asked him why he was annoyed and he said because I don't want to have sex with him, I told him im tired, he then accused me of having an affair with my ex!

I'm obviously not, I do look after his son for him occasionally if he's working and he's not at nursery but I have no idea why my partner thinks we're having an affair.

OP posts:

Sampafie · 07/07/2021 09:49

Wait..how many kids in total is that? 5?

Capricornandproud · 07/07/2021 09:52

Why are you with this absolute wanker??

Original poster

omsatt · 07/07/2021 10:04

Yes, I have 5 DCs.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/07/2021 10:05

He sounds like a knob
Why are you even with him?

category12 · 07/07/2021 10:06

You don't sound in the right situation for another baby, I would make sure you are very careful with contraception.

How do your older children feel about having this man in their lives?

How does he make your life better by being in it?

AlternativePerspective · 07/07/2021 10:13

Wait..how many kids in total is that? 5? And this is relevant why exactly?

OP, your DP is a wanker, get rid of him. If you and your ex are on decent terms then it’s perfectly ok for you to occasionally look after his DC without being accused of having an affair with him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/07/2021 10:35

@AlternativePerspective

Wait..how many kids in total is that? 5? And this is relevant why exactly?

OP, your DP is a wanker, get rid of him. If you and your ex are on decent terms then it’s perfectly ok for you to occasionally look after his DC without being accused of having an affair with him.

To be fair, if a man was very close with and regularly looking after his ex wife’s baby from her new relationship, I don’t think the responses would be that this was perfectly reasonable, I suspect they’d be more that he was treating his partner like a mug and clearly still in love with / sleeping with his ex.

OP, your partner is useless and doesn’t sound as though he brings anything to your or your DC’s lives. It isn’t a good relationship, the accusations of cheating aside. Ditch him and focus on your DC.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/07/2021 10:45

Your partner sounds horrible, thinks with his knob and doesn't have your DCs' best interests at heart. It's very clear you're right about not having enough room and his solution is to get rid of your DCs from your ex and fill the house with more of his own, but only if they get out of the way so he can have sex with you. Please be very careful with your contraception and think hard about what, if anything, he really adds to your life. You have a lot of kids to focus on and no one else is going to prioritise them. This is even before getting into the cocaine and jealousy over your ex. Ugh. Sounds like he can't imagine any other reason you might not want to have sex with him.

Original poster

omsatt · 07/07/2021 10:46

I don't want another baby and I am now on the pill.

DS1 doesn't like DP but DS2&3 don't have a problem with him. DS1 has never had a reason to not like him though and he used to say he just doesn't.

He is a good father to his children though, but he works away a lot so I'm often left with them alone.

OP posts:

category12 · 07/07/2021 10:51

Good father who wakes up the children with shouting, brings drugs into the house, wats to have sex with the baby in the bed, wants to drive your oldest out of the house and have more children when you don't have enough room for the ones you already have?

TheNameTheWebsiteForgot · 07/07/2021 10:53

You have far worse problems than him thinking you are having an affair.

Do you always let men treat you like shit ?

VettiyaIruken · 07/07/2021 10:55

I'd leave.
Nothing about him sounds even remotely likeable let alone loveable.

chickenyhead · 07/07/2021 10:56

@category12

My thoughts exactly.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 10:57

Good on you for helping out with your dc's sibling.
Your home sounds busy! (5dc here also), though I can think of an easy way to make more space....
Send him packing op.

He has no right to question your decisions regarding your ex and all of the dc...

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2021 10:59

The only thing I think he's right about is that sadly your eldest two probably do need to move out sooner rather than later, if you dont have the space for the youngest two to have a room.

I think it's possible some of his attitude comes from struggling with you going above and beyond to help your ex out with his other child, which I don't think is an entirely unreasonable way to feel in his position, however generally speaking he sounds awful.

Sampafie · 07/07/2021 11:01

And this is relevant why exactly?

Because like others have pointed out, OP has alot going on already. The last thing I would need, were I in her position, would be more stress from a man like that.
But what do I know. 🤷

Ughmaybenot · 07/07/2021 11:02

@category12

Basically this… he doesn’t sound great, he sounds like an absolute twat. Honestly op, I know it’s tough, but when are you going to say that enough is enough? It’s no wonder your DS1 doesn’t like him, he sounds awful.

Original poster

omsatt · 07/07/2021 12:08

No, I don't always let men treat me like shit. He was really lovely at the start of our relationship but he's obviously not now.

If I tell him to leave, he'll probably refuse. He does a lot with the DCs when he's here. He didn't have a problem with me looking after my exs child before and before he said he wanted another child, he was talking about us moving so the younger 2 can have their own room so I have no idea what's changed.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2021 12:17

He moved in to your house and you’re not married so he can’t refuse to move out.

Sundancerintherain · 07/07/2021 12:23

Get him the fuck out of your house, he sounds vile.

WaltzingBetty · 07/07/2021 12:27

Be aware that his desire to control you is likely to increase. Pregnancy is one way to do that sulking and gaslighting you is another.
Honestly he sounds awful
Please look up coercive control and have a think about how he treats you

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 07/07/2021 12:28

Him accusing you of having an affair is the least of your problems here!

JingsMahBucket · 07/07/2021 12:29

@omsatt he’s dead weight and he’s dragging you down. Get rid of him.

Your 18 year old son who doesn’t like him is right. His gut/instinct is telling him not to trust the guy. How you want to bet your partner escalates to violence soon? You even said that if you tell him to leave he wouldn’t.

Original poster

omsatt · 07/07/2021 13:26

I know he will refuse to leave as he did last time, although he eventually did leave but he did say I wouldn't be a good single mum to 4 children, they were 15,15,11 and a month old so only DS4 needed lots of attention but now I'll have two 2 year olds in a couple of weeks!

OP posts:

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 07/07/2021 13:30

He works away. You’re not married. He moved in with you.

Ask him to move out. If he refuses, change the locks when he’s next away.

You and you children do not deserve and should not put up with this abuse.

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