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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Checking partners phone

81 replies

MumsTheWord1010 · 04/07/2021 15:51

I dont always do it but something just came over me and I looked at my partners phone when he was in the shower. There was a message from an unknown number with a local address saying" I'm now here" it was 11 o clock that the message was received on a night he was out at his friend's, He got in about 11.40 that night. I checked the number on Google and it's an escort. I'm currently pregnant with our 2nd baby and we also have a 6 month old, we are very intimate , I have no idea why he would stray.. he says it was just a random message.. but would they send you their address if it was a random message . I've cried my heart out over this , he's completely denied it all. I'd just like to know the truth so I can deal with it but he says he doesn't know how he got the message . I want to believe him but it's just so unbelieve.. what do you think. He's not young , he's in his 50s tia

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 04/07/2021 18:18

Hes a liar and cheat likely used prostitutes regularly. Is there a massive age gap between you.

me4real · 04/07/2021 18:21

If you do get more proof and he has to admit to it, he will minimize what happened. I.e. he'll say she came round to his mate's it was his mate's idea, or he went round to his her's but he couldn't perform, he parked outside but then chickened out, or it was just a hand job etc. Anything to say it was less than it may have been.

So even if he 'confesses' at some point, you can't really take him at his word about what happened. You already know he probably lies/deceives, if he's contacted a prostitute behind your back.

BeachWalk1 · 04/07/2021 18:34

I'd just like to know the truth

If you don’t believe that he’s telling the truth why are you putting up with his lies?

What raised your suspicions to look at his phone?

If he was with a prostitute would he have deleted messages and covered his tracks?

joystir59 · 04/07/2021 18:38

Men using prostitutes is very common. Many of these men are in committed relationships. Men do it because they can.

WantingToWonder · 04/07/2021 18:46

So sorry OP.

Men do this because they can. What an arse.

Original poster

MumsTheWord1010 · 04/07/2021 18:51

@Fullofglee

Hes a liar and cheat likely used prostitutes regularly. Is there a massive age gap between you.

17 years

OP posts:

Amdone123 · 04/07/2021 18:56

I agree with pp. There's no point going round in circles. You're going to drive yourself mad. It's going to escalate into a row then you'll be more upset. He'll minimise it, you'll end up thinking you're going mad.
In your heart, your gut, what do you believe? That should be enough. And you can tell him so. So, if he says you're wrong, making a mountain out of a molehill, etc, you say that you don't trust him and that's enough for you. After all, you don't.

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2021 19:01

There’s a reason he has a text from an escort on his phone

End the relationship

Original poster

MumsTheWord1010 · 04/07/2021 19:03

@BeachWalk1

I'd just like to know the truth

If you don’t believe that he’s telling the truth why are you putting up with his lies?

What raised your suspicions to look at his phone?

If he was with a prostitute would he have deleted messages and covered his tracks?

I'm a very suspicious person , my husband of 10 years walked out of the family home , he'd been having an affair. My now partner though I absolutely adore , that's why I can't believe he would treat me this way

OP posts:

Fullofglee · 04/07/2021 19:53

I knew it would be a large age gap when you said he was 50 sounds like he has a particular type I'm guessing your the second wife?

Fleetw00d · 04/07/2021 20:30

Sorry to heat this op but it does sound like he has used an escort. I don't want to worry you but as you're pregnant it's worth getting an STI check just in case, I'm sure if you spoke to your midwife they would be really understanding!
If I was in your position I would either ask him to message the number something like 'can I arrange another meet up' or text it yourself next time you get hold of his phone. If it's legitimately a wrong number like he said you're unlikely to get a response but if it is an escort it will be obvious. I would also check his messages to the friend he was with that night. But tbh it's all pointing towards him having been with an escort in some capacity and I would be cleaning the toilet with his Toothbrush and putting veet in his shampoo before kicking him out

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/07/2021 20:52

He's expecting you to believe he got an accidental confirmation from an escort working from an address local to you, at a time he wasn't at home with you.

I would be almost as angry he thought I would believe such a ludicrous narrative as I would be about the fact he had not only cheated but done so in a way that shows he is a total misogynist happy to buy 'consent' from a woman knowing full well there's no way he can be sure she isn't abused or coerced.

He's disgusting and I couldn't look at him, much less talk to him, at the moment.

I think you know the truth, he knows you know the truth but you're both hoping that perhaps you can pretend you don't know the truth in order to not pull the rug from under your lives. But it wouldn't be you doing that at all, he's done it already.

Sorry OP

me4real · 04/07/2021 21:03

If he was with a prostitute would he have deleted messages and covered his tracks?

@BeachWalk1 He clearly hasn't. He might not think he had to as he didn't know she might look and google, or be thick, or just not've got round to it before OP looked.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/07/2021 22:11

It's nothing to do with how much he loves you or how much sex you have. He does it because its exciting to him and because he can and he completely separates it from any feelings he has for you and therefore it's easy for him to lie about it. Sorry OP

Original poster

MumsTheWord1010 · 05/07/2021 04:31

I looked at his phone when he was sleeping turns out he did go there .. he's now come clean , says it was just a hand job with a condom on , dont really believe it . Thanks for your advice in my hour of need as I literally have no one else to rely on confide in, it's truly appreciated girls

OP posts:

hashbrownsandwich · 05/07/2021 04:37

What are you thinking of doing now OP?

omgwhy · 05/07/2021 04:42

I'm so sorry about this, how awful for you. I think another poster said he will minimise what happened, but I'm sure you don't want the details now.

Hope you are ok

Sampafie · 05/07/2021 05:09

Escorts giving handjobs with condoms on..for 150 to 200 quid OP as much as you may want to believe that, you must know hes lying. Or that was the luckiest escort ever and if thats all he wants for that price, she and other escorts are going to be on him like white on rice, cause thats the easiest money theyll ever make
Also you need a plan, cause youve shown your cards now, so he knows you check his phone and he wont ever make that mistake again. So either you two talk about it and really work it out or you ll have to come to terms that he reallllly loves expensive handjobs..with condoms on

Original poster

MumsTheWord1010 · 05/07/2021 05:26

I have no idea , he's said he's going to spend the whole day with me to talk it through but how can I be sure it's not just more bull shit

OP posts:

category12 · 05/07/2021 06:12

It will be bullshit.

It's probable he uses prostitutes regularly. And a hand job with a condom sounds like absolute bullshit minimisation.

Very unlikely that you caught him the first time he has done it.

TeddingtonTrashbag · 05/07/2021 06:21

@Mountaingoatling

Go to the Google Apps Icon

Then click on Google Maps

Then Click on saved

At the top of the screen will be boxes with dates on. Click on yesterday and it will show all the locations he has visited with photos from Google Earth

I just tried this on my own phone and couldn’t see anything -is that just in Samsung?

singlehun · 05/07/2021 07:01

No one has ever had a handjob with a condom on. No one.

Almost as bad as what he's actually done is the fact he thinks you're stupid enough to believe his lies.

I'm so sorry OP x

parkerpop · 05/07/2021 07:16

Even if you believe this time was only a hand job is that ok?? He's pre-arranged to meet an escort in a hotel while you're at home pregnant and with a newborn. Then lied to your face when confronted. It's the lying and deceit that would get to me as much a what the sexual act was

Also, if he knew how to go about arranging to meet an escort, had a number etc I highly doubt it's the first time

WhoDatDen · 05/07/2021 07:18

OP he will lie to you now. He will tell you it was a one off, he did not enjoy it, he did it out of curiousity which has now been cured, she barely touched him and when she did he hated it blah blah...all rubbish. Do not fall for it.

I bet he's gone through life paying for sex, picking a woman to please him like he picks a sandwich from the chiller fridge for his lunch.

How many woman think cor so glad I'm with a man who pays for sex. Instant turn off.

You need to dump him and point him in the direction of Loser City, because that's where he needs to live. You, however, deserve better and you know this. You will never be able to trust him again.

Ughmaybenot · 05/07/2021 07:19

You don’t need to listen to a full day of his lying and further minimising. He’s showing that he a. will admit to the absolute minimum he thinks he can get away with unless presented with evidence otherwise and b. thinks you’re daft and that you’ll just believe his bullshit. What a guy.
I’m so sorry, this is awful for you. Rather than a day with this rat, what you need is a day (to start with!) with rl support getting yourself in order and your head straight with what you want to do next. Frankly, he needs to fuck off.

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