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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just been dumped

66 replies

Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 09:30

So this morning my long distance partner of 3 years in his mid 50s dumped me by text.
I feel strangely calm but could see it coming....lately he called me boring for not wanting to engage in his porn addiction and has constantly accused me of having someone else. We had a disagreement yesterday where I had been out with friends and he wanted to know where I had slept (he knew that I had arrived home safely) and didn’t like that I called him out on it.

So it’s for the best but I’m going to struggle not to contact him,

What’s made it worse is that my DC are away with dad for a week and I was meant to be spending the week with him as from tomorrow.

OP posts:
Dizzy1234 · 04/07/2021 09:48

I think thats called a lucky escape OP but I've got a funny feeling if you don't respond / beg for a 2nd chance / generally be devasted he'll be back in touch.
Delete his number and block him, take a deep breath, chin up, tits out and move on with your dignity intact.
❤️💐

StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 09:52

Lucky escape.

I wonder if he thinks you'll reply OK,sorry, lets do anal, I'll dress up as a school girl, I'll be a submissive, or whatever crap he's in to.

Geezus. Enjoy your week of peace. Tune in to yourself think about what YOU want out of life.

There's a huge universe out there. I talk to retirees every day and they blow my mind with their ideas. Stain glass window courses. Silver smith courses, yoga retreats, vegan cookery, hunting shooting fishing, walking the camino...........

What do you want?

I bet it's not MORE PORN.

Enjoy your freedom

xx

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 09:53

Thank you, although I could see it coming I’m gutted I didn’t do the dumping first. He truly is a porn addicted shitbag.

OP posts:
StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 09:54

If that's your biggest regret you are going to be OK! Wine

It is hard to begin with though. xx

Beamur · 04/07/2021 09:56

Enjoy your new single life unencumbered by this charmer!
He doesn't sound like much of a loss to be honest.

MrsMaizel · 04/07/2021 09:57

He is disrespectful and no loss . He's trying to bend you to his will . Sure it will hurt but when you feel calm about it ( and I speak from experience ) you know inside that it is the right thing . I'm not saying you won't cry about it but you are far better off without this prick .

Somanysocks · 04/07/2021 10:00

If you do respond just text back 'ok' and nothing else.

Livingintheclouds · 04/07/2021 10:00

Good riddance. Have a lovely relaxing week just doing what you want.

AnnieJ1985 · 04/07/2021 10:02

It is shitty to be dumped, but I think you are better off without him, going by the small bit you have shared.

Are you off work this week? It would be a wonderful time to take yourself off somewhere on your own for a night or two to relax and regroup. Treat yourself!

Or even a couple of nice evenings at home alone - TV or books or podcasts, good food etc

Lweji · 04/07/2021 10:03

I wouldn't say you were dumped.

You enforced your boundaries. He had a choice to stick to them or walk away.

You did well. And good riddance to him.

Windmillwhirl · 04/07/2021 10:17

It will be OK.

I split with my partner 7 weeks ago, not because of porn but a few other things. When we met he was a smoker but "wanted to quit". Having once been a smoker I know how hard it can be so gave the benefit of the doubt.

At almost 18 months I realised he had done nothing to try and quit. Fair enough, his choice, but he was still feeding me the same line.

There were other issues too. We had opposing political views and were walking on eggshells with each other. He suggested a time out after a disagreement, which we rarely had, but I knew in my heart I was done.

I spent a few days feeling sad but then the realisation hit me. I am no longer wrapped up in the will he/won't he change/follow through on promises he made.

I feel great now and would never go back. When he contacted me about dropping over my stuff I said very calmly and nicely he could just bin it. I had no desire to see him at all.

I'm back focusing on myself and it feels great. It gets better x

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 10:22

Yes I felt like I was always having to provide evidence of where I was, who I was with etc. I was deemed boring as he was interested in trying swinging and I just wanted a normal loving relationship. Then he would make suggestive comments about my friends and how he would like to see me have sex with them. Yuk!

Then a while back, an electrician came to my house to do some work. And in his mind, I must have shagged him!

OP posts:
Flippin · 04/07/2021 10:24

Good riddance! Congratulations 🌷

StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 10:27

Oh wow, so he was projecting his desire to shag everything with a pulse on to you.

SpindleWhorl · 04/07/2021 10:28

He sounds unhinged tbh.

Dillydollydingdong · 04/07/2021 10:31

He sounds nasty, disgusting and obsessed with sex. He's too old for all that, surely. Just a DOM. . You don't want him back, surely?

frozendaisy · 04/07/2021 10:33

Oh he didn't dump you he set you free. Not that he needed to sounds like you were already out of the door.

You would never have a living relationship with someone who thought about having sex with your friends, if he was so into spreading your love around why was he so controlling about where you slept? Surely you would be fulfilling his fantasy with the electrician? Oh no wait it was to be ALL on his seedy terms, like you are some sort of blow-up doll with the inconvenience of having to feed you.

So on to more fun things, you have a free week, what you going to do?

Buy some expensive pampering products, couple of summer literature escapism books. Work up a sweat cleaning the windows, let the light in, look forward as you are going that way.

And if he attempts to crawl back tell him he's not for you, I would tell him, you're seedy and controlling and you call ME boring, fuck that shit bitch!

hashbrownsandwich · 04/07/2021 10:34

Spend the week focusing on yourself. Eat what you want, go where you want, spend what you want. Just don't respond to any communications from him!

littlebitnonchalant · 04/07/2021 10:36

He sounds awful. I’m sorry for the pain, but you now have a week just to focus on yourself, and do whatever you want to do. Make the most of it! X

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 11:03

I think I'm going to book myself into a nice hotel for a night or two with good food and Netflix.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 04/07/2021 11:16

@Poppies23

I think I'm going to book myself into a nice hotel for a night or two with good food and Netflix.
Sounds wonderful!

He is gross. Lucky escape!

StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 11:21

@Poppies23

I think I'm going to book myself into a nice hotel for a night or two with good food and Netflix.
Oh you should! When my x used to take the kids I did that once. It was lovely.

I know a few people were like ''but you were on your own''. My mother in particular couldn't understand it!! But it was nice. I like it!

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 12:37

Not communicating with him ever again is your power, here. He'll be fully expecting you to be in touch, and when you're not, he'll contact you. Don't respond. Never.

Put this phrase on repeat in your head: Silence is dignity.

Swan off quietly into your future without him, doing things that make you feel good, starting with the hotel/good food/Netflix bit.

When you've dumped someone, there's nothing worse than feeling like they've moved on without giving it a second thought.

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 12:51

I’m already finding it difficult! My heart feels like it’s going to come out of my chest but I’ve got to keep reminding myself that he was a shit and I’m worth more!

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 12:53

He was also NC with 3 of his four children and a whinger about paying CSA. I should have heeded that red flag but writing down his bad points is helping.

OP posts: