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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just been dumped

66 replies

Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 09:30

So this morning my long distance partner of 3 years in his mid 50s dumped me by text.
I feel strangely calm but could see it coming....lately he called me boring for not wanting to engage in his porn addiction and has constantly accused me of having someone else. We had a disagreement yesterday where I had been out with friends and he wanted to know where I had slept (he knew that I had arrived home safely) and didn’t like that I called him out on it.

So it’s for the best but I’m going to struggle not to contact him,

What’s made it worse is that my DC are away with dad for a week and I was meant to be spending the week with him as from tomorrow.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 13:22

@Poppies23

I’m already finding it difficult! My heart feels like it’s going to come out of my chest but I’ve got to keep reminding myself that he was a shit and I’m worth more!
Try focusing not on what he did/what he is, but how you felt when he treated you poorly. Remind yourself of the feeling.

What he did or is is sort of irrelevant. Your feelings are what matter, and they are the difficult thing you're having to deal with now. Him being an arse is about him. You counteracting your hurt feelings with reminders of how shit he made you feel is about you. Make it all about you. If it had been all about you in the first place, you would have been the first to do the dumping. FOCUS ON YOU.

emptyempire · 04/07/2021 14:20

If you can afford a meditation or wellness retreat OP, it would really help you mentally prepare for your fresh start. Agree, block him and move on. Good luck 🍀

SarahBellam · 04/07/2021 14:40

I suspect he keeps accusing you of being with someone else because he is or wants to have sex with other people - he’s projecting. You’re well rid.

PartridgeFeather · 04/07/2021 15:37

thanks @StillCalmX that made me smile as I am also having a shit day.

what I wouldn't give to do some of those things you listed. Stained glass window course or, in OP's well-chosen words, more "porn addicted shitbag".

no brainer.

hope you're ok op.

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 18:13

Porn addicted shitbag is going to be my mantra!

OP posts:
Sakurami · 04/07/2021 18:28

What a vile scumbag in every sense. Definitely lucky escape

MarshmallowAra · 04/07/2021 18:44

Seems like s lot of projection re what you've been doing, where you've slept etc etc

Tells you s lot about how he thinks. He is either cheating or would at the drop of a hat.

That's kinda backed up by him trying to push you to swing and angling for threesomes with your friends ... That's where he intends you having sex with your friends I'd heading in his mind no doubt.

This dude is definitely not looking for or really capable of a monogamous relationship.

I'd not like to guess what he's been up to and what he would do given half a chance.

He sounds porn sick, sex obsessed and skeezy.

That's not a good look on a young man but on an older one ..... uuugh. Fanny bear trap time.

MarshmallowAra · 04/07/2021 18:46

It's like, lay off the porn and let go of your wizened dick for two seconds mate.

AgentJohnson · 04/07/2021 18:47

Why didn’t you end it first? Why did you ignore the obvious red flags? These are questions you are going to need to answer, to lessen the chance of being hoovered back in or attracting another arsehole.

MarshmallowAra · 04/07/2021 18:52

I've met guys like this and they don't change, one had a string of broken relationships, history of cheating, and a broken marriage he left for a barely of age girl who'd worked for him, he was sticking his hand into her knickers to check for ejaculate when she came back from the hairdressers (where he felt she'd taken too long), he persuaded her to have a threesome on a trip away and stealth shagged the ow while she was in the shower etc etc. They broke up eventually and when I met him he was on a relationship ..while trying to come on to me. Last time I had a conversation with him he was talking about visiting Thailand, I can guess why very easily.

They don't change.
They think with their dicks.

Not worth the time of day.

hashbrownsandwich · 04/07/2021 18:58

@Poppies23

I think I'm going to book myself into a nice hotel for a night or two with good food and Netflix.

This! This! And again this!

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 18:59

@MarshmallowAra

I've met guys like this and they don't change, one had a string of broken relationships, history of cheating, and a broken marriage he left for a barely of age girl who'd worked for him, he was sticking his hand into her knickers to check for ejaculate when she came back from the hairdressers (where he felt she'd taken too long), he persuaded her to have a threesome on a trip away and stealth shagged the ow while she was in the shower etc etc. They broke up eventually and when I met him he was on a relationship ..while trying to come on to me. Last time I had a conversation with him he was talking about visiting Thailand, I can guess why very easily.

They don't change.
They think with their dicks.

Not worth the time of day.

Oh my god, he had mentioned he would like to visit Thailand, And as for threesomes and swinging, apparently I ‘have the look ‘ whatever that is. I used to laugh it off but now realising how sick in the head he must be.
OP posts:
Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 19:01

@AgentJohnson

Why didn’t you end it first? Why did you ignore the obvious red flags? These are questions you are going to need to answer, to lessen the chance of being hoovered back in or attracting another arsehole.
I know, I know. I think it was because he had been my first relationship since divorce and also because I enjoyed the company and attention, albeit long distance. Also, because I’m too nice and probably a bit of a walkover. That I need to address.
OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 04/07/2021 20:04

And as for threesomes and swinging, apparently I ‘have the look ‘ whatever that is

Wishful thinking and projection.

He needs to step away from the pc a d let go of his dick for 5 mins, he won't though.

So many of his kids not having a relationship with him says it all. Kids, even teenage and adult kids, often tend to have a sentimental, idealistic attitude to contact with a father and he has to be an absolute fker of the lowest order for them to be estranged.

The bloke I'm in about for example .. in spite of him cheating on and leaving their mum (and their family) for a 16/17 yr old girl who'd been working as a glass collector in his pub, and everything else, still had contact with him and stayed civil (though I'm sure there was plenty of wry eye rolling about "Dad"). He must be an absolute scum bag to have estrangement with most of them.

MarshmallowAra · 04/07/2021 20:11

And yeah, blokes like this become sex tourists very easily.

Their dicks supercede all ethical considerations, not that they'd enter their heads.

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 20:32

Yeah he gave me a story about how he and his children had fallen out during his split from his wife but I’ve often thought there must be more to it. I’ve been sorely tempted to ask the one (grown up) child he does speak to.
But also as an adult. I would cringe at the thought of my dad being ruled by porn and wanting to try swinging etc.

OP posts:
FuckUcuntychops · 04/07/2021 20:48

I couldn’t resist texting back “Than fuck for that! Was trying to think of a way to finish it without calling you a wankingcuntmuffin. So glad I don’t have to now! Hope you die soon.” and block.

TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 21:12

@FuckUcuntychops

I couldn’t resist texting back “Than fuck for that! Was trying to think of a way to finish it without calling you a wankingcuntmuffin. So glad I don’t have to now! Hope you die soon.” and block.
Yes. Good call. That would demonstrate maturity, self control, and dignity.
Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 21:20

I’ll just settle for blocking seeing as I’ve also been unfriended on fb

OP posts:
FuckUcuntychops · 04/07/2021 22:02

@TheFoundations it was a joke, chill out.

Lunettesloupes · 04/07/2021 22:11

Being the dumper is not all it’s cracked up to be. Enjoy your week off by doing nice things and being gentle with yourself. Sounds like you dodged a bullet but it is too soon for it to feel that way.

Honeyroar · 04/07/2021 22:16

One day you’ll look back on this as one of the best things that happened to you ever. Just stay strong and don’t be tempted if he was to come back.

Original poster
Poppies23 · 04/07/2021 22:27

Thank you lovely people.
I’m already struggling to sleep.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 04/07/2021 22:34

[quote FuckUcuntychops]@TheFoundations it was a joke, chill out.[/quote]
Sorry. Yup. Dead funny.

OP, it really does sound like you've had a lucky escape. Have you come across www.baggagereclaim.co.uk? Very good for galvanising your self worth.

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