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Original poster

Moved to another country to be with my boyfriend...

64 replies

Unknown12341 · 04/07/2021 00:40

Hi there! To cut a long story short. I'm 27 and i began talking to my boyfriend online around 2 years ago. We met up about 5 times before moving in together 6 months ago. I moved 400 miles away, and it was a lot. I'm extremely close with my family and it was difficult leaving them, but i believed it was the best choice. I even managed to get a job a week ago, and after my first week I'm extremely enjoying it.

the issue is, my boyfriend is really sarcastic, which at the beginning was funny, and made me laugh. but recently it's got out of control. if we're around other people, he'll deliberately bring up embarrassing stories e.g. drunk stories or silly things i've said. Which i know sounds stupid, but he knows how much it hurts me sometimes. If we're at home he'll constantly make jokes about me, which for the most part i can laugh at. I really dont take things too seriously. but the fact that i'm actually hurting from things he've said, is new to me. if that makes sense. because i'm not usually like that.

even silly things. as i started work this week, i was working 5 days straight. I'm currently off for two days and i mentioned that i wanted to have a little drink just to relax, but this is an issue because he doesn't drink, so i'm 'not allowed'

i'm sorry if it seems like rambling. It's just so difficult moving 400 miles away from home and not knowing anyone besides my partner. I just don't know what to do. I'm so happy with my new job, haven't felt this comfortable in a new work environment before, but i'm so unhappy at 'home', i just don't' know what to do.

Thank you for any advice. I know it's a bit unorganised but i'm just upset

Thanks :)

OP posts:
RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 00:44

Your boyfriend is a bully who undermines you and it won’t stop it’ll escalate
You fortunately have a job, can you get a flat share. Get away from this boorish bully
He’s showing you who he is. He won’t change. This is him

FetchezLaVache · 04/07/2021 00:44

You moved in with a virtual stranger. Turns out he's belittling and controlling and you don't like him much. Please don't feel under any obligation to waste more time on him just because you made a huge sacrifice to be with him and want to prove it was the right thing to do. How feasible is it for you to remain in that country without him?

BootsScootsAndToots · 04/07/2021 00:49

Dump him and move home.

He is not a keeper.

Slippersocks20 · 04/07/2021 01:00

Second previous posters who have said he is basically a knob.

Yes, we all tell little funny stories, but not when you've said it upsets you.

The stuff at home, will only get worse, verbal abuse is still abuse, you've told him I'm sure you don't like it etc. And still it happens.

Find a house share, rent a room. Get out. And decide whether you can stay in the country or go home.

And remember you havnt failed. Nor is this your fault.

Others will be able to offer far better advice than me.

Good luck OP.

occa · 04/07/2021 01:01

You sound quite young, OP. Is this your first serious relationship? I find most women's tolerance for this sort of BS from men decreases pretty sharply with age/experience.

Don't waste your time on him, honestly. Ditch and move on.

chickenyhead · 04/07/2021 01:03

Doesn't sound good to me.

I would look to move out or move home.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2021 01:09

I moved ten times as far to be with mine. He's now DH and lovely.

I knew it was a risk and so always had a fuck off fund and a plane ticket. Some men take advantage when you can't leave. I made it clear I could and would.

I think you probably should.

Micemakingclothes · 04/07/2021 01:13

The most important thing is to not get pregnant or to be comfortable terminating if you do. But really, just don’t get pregnant.

You are getting to see the real person for the first time. This should be a honeymoon period where everything is ridiculously wonderful. At most you should find little differences in the ways you do things and maybe have some small arguments as you learn to negotiate those things, but the passion and joy of being together should make those pass quickly.

Instead, he is making you cringe and controlling your behavior.

You need to make a plan to leave. If you want to stay in that country and can do so without being linked to him, then go get your own place. If you can’t, then go home. You made a mistake. You are wiser now.

Maggiesfarm · 04/07/2021 01:15

@FetchezLaVache

You moved in with a virtual stranger. Turns out he's belittling and controlling and you don't like him much. Please don't feel under any obligation to waste more time on him just because you made a huge sacrifice to be with him and want to prove it was the right thing to do. How feasible is it for you to remain in that country without him?
I agree.You feel trapped with him at present but you are free to leave at any time. Honestly you didn't know him well enough to take such a big step. most of your 'courtship' must have been in lockdown.

You are a young woman, get out while you can. If you like your job and the country, find somewhere else to live, even a bedsitter or a share would do for a while.

Be young and single a bit longer and don't jump in head first next time. Please. You could be my daughter.

We do follow our hearts rather than our heads sometimes. You are learning the hard way.

Good luck.

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 04/07/2021 01:17

It’s not too late to cut your losses. Book a flight home. Wounds will heal. Honestly, execute the exit plan sooner rather than later.

(I’d a friend who did similar to you, but quietly got married to secure a visa (USA). It was a very very short few weeks before it became clear that it was a mistake. He ended it, and instigated divorce proceedings. Took a long time to detangle but she cane straight home and was right to do so. I wish you well Flowers)

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2021 01:21

I believe you know exactly what you need to do, you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet.

You need to leave and do so immediately. Your boyfriend is a bully and a controlling twat, and both of these issues are going to get far, far worse. This is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. He is abusive, run for your life.

Cameleongirl · 04/07/2021 01:22

You can leave him, OP. If, as other have said, you can/want to stay in that country and you think your new job is a good opportunity, you can look for a house share.

If not, go home. You deserve far more then him. 💐

kgap · 04/07/2021 01:59

Similar thing happened to me - absolutely lovely boyfriend in private but in public would use me as the butt of his jokes justifying it as normal English “banter”. My solution was to stop smiling in response to the shitty jokes (stone-faced, look at your partner like WTF?). Women are often socialised to smile and be conciliatory even if we are angry and upset which lets men get away with shitty things under the pretence of banter. In my case it worked like magic. He stopped once he got the message that these jokes hurt me and got embarrassed in public by me calling him out.

category12 · 04/07/2021 02:18

Go home.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/07/2021 02:28

Either go home or if you like your job dump him and move out. This is who he is. It will get worse not better. You deserve more

SassyPants · 04/07/2021 02:44

I hope you take the advice in this thread. You sound lovely and deserve so much more. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. Why wait? Go home, or make a new one in your new country away from him.
He knows he's hurting you. He doesn't do these things despite the fact they hurt you. He does them because they hurt you.

ButNothingICanDo · 04/07/2021 02:50

Sorry OP but I think you need to realise that this isn’t going to work and would try and get out while it is still early days. Wishing you the best! Flowers

TheLeadbetterLife · 04/07/2021 02:53

He’s a pillock at best, abusive at worst.

The good thing is, you recognise this and want no part of it (this site is absolutely riddled with women who get stuck in shitty relationships because they don’t acknowledge how bad it is and are scared to leave).

Get out, go home (or get your own place if you want to stay there), chalk it up to experience.

You’re young, it’s no big deal.

layladomino · 04/07/2021 09:04

This early on, everything is normally lovey-dovey and exciting. The fact that you feel this way now is worrying. Things like that don't get better. In fact with bullies they always get worse (they test how much you'll put up with and then crank it up a notch every so often).

You love your job - great - so this hasn't been a waste of your time. You've gained something from the move. But you don't have to stay with this man. KNowing when something is wrong and moving on is not failure. Quite the opposite.

If in the end you'd rather move 'back home' then take what you've learned from your new job and try to find similar there. Whatever happens, staying with this unkind person is not the answer.

MareMare · 04/07/2021 09:07

You moved 400 miles for the sake of a man you barely knew, who now turns out to be a dickhead. Don’t sink any more time and effort into this, and move on. This is only going to get worse.

YellowBeryl · 04/07/2021 09:28

You took a risk and it hasn't paid off - but you gave it a go. As pp have said this should be the honeymoon period enjoying life and discovering new things but it's not. Sadly things will only get worse. 😪

The only decision you have to make now is whether you stay in your new job and find somewhere else to live or return home. Either way it will be the right decision for you.

Good Luck 💐

AgentJohnson · 04/07/2021 09:39

You took a risk and it hasn't paid off - but you gave it a go. As pp have said this should be the honeymoon period enjoying life and discovering new things but it's not. Sadly things will only get worse.

The only decision you have to make now is whether you stay in your new job and find somewhere else to live or return home. Either way it will be the right decision for you.

This

Umberellatheweatha · 04/07/2021 09:46

Its not sarcasm, its contempt. Get out if there as fast as your legs can carry you. He is a bully. This is how abusers start out. They belittle you and if you call them on it, they tell you it was just a joke or that you are 'oversensitive'. Run for the hills.

You took a chance and unfortunately it backfired. But that's just part of life. Part of being a grown up is knowing when to admit you've made the wrong choice and change it.

You dont have to move home but I would definitely move a good way away from him. Eg: say if you are 30 minutes travel from your new job then look to move 30 minutes away, in the other direction.

Dont fanny about, go, asap.

Bananalanacake · 04/07/2021 10:19

I also moved country to be with my boyfriend, but this was after 5 years together and because we had a baby, if it wasn't for the baby I would have waited another year. He is also TT but doesn't mind if I drink. I think you moved too soon, if you like your job could you move to a flat share.

libertybonds · 04/07/2021 10:27

Bin him. It won't get better.