Moved to another country to be with my boyfriend...

[Unknown12341]

Hi there! To cut a long story short. I'm 27 and i began talking to my boyfriend online around 2 years ago. We met up about 5 times before moving in together 6 months ago. I moved 400 miles away, and it was a lot. I'm extremely close with my family and it was difficult leaving them, but i believed it was the best choice. I even managed to get a job a week ago, and after my first week I'm extremely enjoying it.

the issue is, my boyfriend is really sarcastic, which at the beginning was funny, and made me laugh. but recently it's got out of control. if we're around other people, he'll deliberately bring up embarrassing stories e.g. drunk stories or silly things i've said. Which i know sounds stupid, but he knows how much it hurts me sometimes. If we're at home he'll constantly make jokes about me, which for the most part i can laugh at. I really dont take things too seriously. but the fact that i'm actually hurting from things he've said, is new to me. if that makes sense. because i'm not usually like that.

even silly things. as i started work this week, i was working 5 days straight. I'm currently off for two days and i mentioned that i wanted to have a little drink just to relax, but this is an issue because he doesn't drink, so i'm 'not allowed'

i'm sorry if it seems like rambling. It's just so difficult moving 400 miles away from home and not knowing anyone besides my partner. I just don't know what to do. I'm so happy with my new job, haven't felt this comfortable in a new work environment before, but i'm so unhappy at 'home', i just don't' know what to do.

Thank you for any advice. I know it's a bit unorganised but i'm just upset

Thanks :)

Have you explained to him how his sarcasm and belittling makes you feel? Can you imagine putting up with this abusive relationship into older age? What would you family think if they were sitting there listening to his sarcasm? This is not a healthy way to live.

As others have suggested, either move someone else and keep the job. You can meet new people in the new town. Take up a sport, hobby, get a dog, book club, learn a language etc. Or, move back to your home town.

I moved across the world. I knew no one except my now DH. Yes, it can be scary and lonely at times, when you know absolutely no one in the new location, but with things opening up, there are far more opportunities to meet new friends. Best of luck

When you think about it op it really had a very small chance of actually being a good move to leave your family and country for a man you've met a few times. Either you've got real guts and a bit of a 'fuck it, why not?' attitude...or he love bombed you and you weren't thinking straight.

It was a bad idea but at least you got to see a new country and prove your metal. Now you have to prove your willingness to do right by yourself and your maturity and get the hell away from this arsehole.

Don't get sucked into thinking that because you've given up so much to be with him, you need to make it work.

Many long distance relationships fail when you move in together because you finally get to see the real them - it would have fizzled out earlier on if he had lived in the same town as you and you had been able to date normally.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Things are only going to get worse -time to break up & move on - you know this as pp have already stated

Move back.

You made a massive mistake but you don't have to stay and carry on making it.

"Have you explained to him how his sarcasm and belittling makes you feel?"

Ffs, she doesn't need to explain anything to him. He's telling her she can't have a drink when she wants one. He's taking the piss out her at home and in public.

OP just move out. If you like the place and the job then you can always stay in the area and get a flat share. If not, just go home.

You did a brave thing and took a chance. If you hadn’t you’d never have known what could have been. That it hasn’t worked out isn’t anything to be ashamed of. You can move back home knowing you tried.

You're 27 and unmarried. You met someone 5 times and then moved in with them . 6 months later you are 'not allowed' a drink.

No. Nah. NO.

I agree, you took a chance and it didn't pay off. I lived with a few different boyfriends in my 20s, just because we lived together didn't mean we had to stay together. With no kids it's incredibly easy to leave and go home. Sure, it might hurt for a month or so, but mainly I always just felt relief. Do your future self a favour and leave. As pp said, if you like the job and area try and find a way to make it work without him.

You tried it, it's not working. Would you like to stay in the area for the job? Or move back home?

Who's idea was it to move in together?

Leave him asap. If that means moving back home then do it. Or look for accommodation elsewhere if you really want to stay in the job. He's abusive. Having met him 5 times was not enough time to make such a big decision as moving in together, regardless of talking online for longer. Online personas can clearly be very different to the real thing, as you have unfortunately discovered.

Get away from him and go home. Is he sarcastic or a controlling bully? Sit with that for a second.

Book a ticket home.

He's not shown his true colours until he had you trapped. Leave him and go back home. He is a bully and controlling and wants to keep you in your place. This is before marriage and kids, you really don't want to end up with someone like that.

Move out. He’s a twat.

Honestly, book a plane ticket and go home, then send him a message saying you left him as it wasn't working out when you've got back.

Don't stay just because you made a big move. It's better that you recognise it's been a mistake and he's not a nice person.

The invalidating and devaluing is a well known stage in toxic relationships and happens when you have made a commitment and are vulnerable (no family around).

The reason people say don't bother explaining is that he knows what he is doing. I imagine he only started this once you were isolated.

How easy will it be for you to either get a place on your own or go home?

Get home before he hides your passport and money. Don't tell him you are leaving. If necessary, leave everything but what you stand up in.

Another alternative since you've got a job you love, is move out and stay in the country. Why not? Learn another language, gets some work experience and see how it goes. Just dump the twat.

I moved from wales to London so my husband could do a masters degree for 4 years. We'd been together 3 years at that point abs were living together but it was so so tough being away from my friends and family and I hated it so much. It almost broke us. If you don't have the support of your bf it won't ever work so I'd cut your losses and go back now. He could always move so you're closer to your family and have that support but tbh he reallt dosent sound like a very nice person x

Just go home
It was always a risk and it would have been lovely if it had worked but he doesn’t sound nice so please leave before you are trapped.
Don’t think that just because you moved 400 miles you are stuck with him any more than if it had been 4 miles

Also, as soon as you get settled on the plane home...have a drink.
It will taste like freedom

What possessed you to move 400 miles for someone you met 5 times? I’m not surprised things are not quite as they seemed - you hardly know him! Just crazy.