He’s gone silent? Red flag?

[ThoseJeansAte]

Seeing someone just under a year. We had a disagreement last night on the phone. We had both had drinks and we didn’t say anything awful but it was upsetting. We decided to get some sleep and said bye - not broken up or anything. I called back five minutes later as I couldn’t sleep and was feeling upset. When he answered it was clear he had been crying. I felt awful. We chatted for another hour and resolved things. Said we missed each other and looking forward to Sunday/tomorrow as we have plans together.

I’ve not heard from him all day and he said he was working tonight (catching up on admin at home, not in an office). This is common with him in busy patches so I didn’t think anything of it. Said he’d cancelled seeing a friend for the football because he had so much to do. I’ve not seen him either this week due to his work pattern.

Anyway. Usually he’d be in contact by now. Especially day before we meet to confirm and just catch up about plans. I just went to message him and it shows last online at half 5... so right before the football. Maybe he’s gone out and not said? I know I could message him but it was me who called back last night and he knows I leave him to it when he’s working, so he gets in touch when he has time. It’s unusual to get to 8pm and hear nothing.

I’m upset as I feel like he’s being deliberately silent after the disagreement, even though I was sure it was resolved last night on the phone.

Not sure what I’m asking really, just confused and feel like I don’t trust him now...not felt like that before

He also kept saying thank you to me for calling back last night, we both said sorry. It was a nice call.

Perhaps he just needs some space? And you haven’t contacted him either.

@LittleRedPill maybe but it all seemed fine on the phone. It’s just so unlike him.

Maybe if he knows you know about him crying he’s feeling a bit vulnerable and doesn’t want to call to not seem needy.

It could well be down to the football OP. The country's gone mad.

Just call him then 🙄

Sounds all mutual and amicable

Hope you sort it out OP

@HeartIess I did think of doing that but I wouldn’t usually so he will think it strange.

A red flag is a feeling you have, not a behaviour that the other party exhibits. Some things will raise a red flag for nearly everyone (insults, for example), but nobody can tell you if this is a red flag. Some people would get the red flag feeling from it, some would just think he was a bit distant because you fell out.

just confused and feel like I don’t trust him now...not felt like that before

This is a very good definition of the red flag feeling.

You know he’s probably fine, just out to watch the football

Just call him tomorrow x
Sure everything’s fine

Don't worry about his last online status. Maybe he has gone out for the football. Maybe he hasn't. Text him and sort your plans for tomorrow if you haven't already sorted times etc but don't expect an immediate response.

He's allowed to have days where he doesn't speak to you, especially if he's already told you he's busy.

And 'It's probably the football' is a non entity. You're concerning yourself with the relationship, so if he's concerning himself with the football, it doesn't really solve the problem.

If you're feeling unsettled and you'd like to call him, call him. If he makes you feel that that's strange, that'll tell you all you need to know.

I’m really upset, he’s literally never done this. It’s making me wonder if he wasn’t being honest last night. And now is playing games.

@TheFoundations not sure what I’d say though... why haven’t you text? It seems pathetic if I do that. I feel really upset and these things never usually bother me

Huh?? A red flag is exactly a behavior someone else exhibits?? That's the definition of a red flag??

OP just message him, he's maybe just been busy. Try not to think too much about it until you've spoken to him.

Fgs just message him.

I will never understand how anyone keeps a relationship going these days wen everyone has to resort to this idea that if you messaged last then you can’t message again until the other person does.

Are you close? Yes? Do you have a decent relationship usually? Yes? Then bloody well message him. It doesn’t have to be some kind of probing message about whether everything’s ok, just make it casual if that works. Cheer on the England or something like that and then just casually ask if you’re still ok for tomorrow.

If he then doesn’t message back then you have your answer, but stop playing games.

If you want him to be your partner, are you planning on hiding it from him whenever you feel unsettled, in case he thinks you're strange?

Anybody worth having a relationship with will listen to you with respect, and try to support you in your concerns, at all times. Even when you feel unsettled. Even when you think you're being pathetic.

You're very concerned about what he's going to think of you. The important thing is that he's in the process of blowing your trust in him, and you haven't approached him about it. What you think of him is just as vital to the relationship. Open, clear respectful communication is crucial.

Thanks @TheFoundations. I’m not sure what to say? I’m in tears and this is so unlike me

Why won't you call him?

He's been your boyfriend for a year, nearly. If you can't tell him how you feel, you need to find someone you're more compatible with.

You're in tears because he's behaved in a way that upset you. He needs to know this, otherwise how else will it get resolved?

How do you usually deal with conflict when it arises?

@ThoseJeansAte it's obvious you're unsettled because you don't trust him. A year is quite along time to be a couple but yet you sound like you've just started dating and don't really know him properly or what he's doing. What does your gut instinct tell you / think he's doing? I find it odd that you don't feel comfortable texting him and are wondering what to say... was the argument about something he did wrong or did he feel you were overly questioning him and got defensive? If that's the case then he could be hiding another life...

It's a Saturday night and most couples always spend it together unless one works night shift. Does he tell you he loves you or do you think you love him?

England have just gone 2 nil up, use that as a football opener for texting, it’s neutral ground

Just reach out and ask him. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill by sitting in tears before even finding out if there’s an issue.

There is an issue in that he’s not spoken all day. I make a point of not interrupting his work (on busy times) so he can be in touch when he’s free. He knows this. I do feel he’s making a point and I didn’t think he was like that :(

He’s just text, normal hi how are you, told me about his day. Feel like an idiot now.