Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s gone silent? Red flag?

60 replies

ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 20:04

Seeing someone just under a year. We had a disagreement last night on the phone. We had both had drinks and we didn’t say anything awful but it was upsetting. We decided to get some sleep and said bye - not broken up or anything. I called back five minutes later as I couldn’t sleep and was feeling upset. When he answered it was clear he had been crying. I felt awful. We chatted for another hour and resolved things. Said we missed each other and looking forward to Sunday/tomorrow as we have plans together.

I’ve not heard from him all day and he said he was working tonight (catching up on admin at home, not in an office). This is common with him in busy patches so I didn’t think anything of it. Said he’d cancelled seeing a friend for the football because he had so much to do. I’ve not seen him either this week due to his work pattern.

Anyway. Usually he’d be in contact by now. Especially day before we meet to confirm and just catch up about plans. I just went to message him and it shows last online at half 5... so right before the football. Maybe he’s gone out and not said? I know I could message him but it was me who called back last night and he knows I leave him to it when he’s working, so he gets in touch when he has time. It’s unusual to get to 8pm and hear nothing.

I’m upset as I feel like he’s being deliberately silent after the disagreement, even though I was sure it was resolved last night on the phone.

Not sure what I’m asking really, just confused and feel like I don’t trust him now...not felt like that before

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 21:25

@earminted I’m in such a state now that I’m analysing his message Blush think I need to go to bed sharpish

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/07/2021 21:26

You know, in all my life, I’ve never been too busy to speak to the most important person in my life. Just never.

Even if it’s only ‘I’m really busy, but I’m dying to see you’ or something.

I’m not sure I’d want to be with anyone who was too ‘busy’ to spare me 2 minutes.

venusandmars · 03/07/2021 21:28

How can you learn from that OP? You've got yourself in a bit of a state while you are trying to imagine what's going on in his brain and whether he's playing games with you...

You can never know what someone else is thinking. He has no idea what you've been thinking. Just interact with him as normal. And work out (for the two of you) how best to communicate.

gamerchick · 03/07/2021 21:28

Just go to bed OP. I'll bet he'll wake you up in half an hour.

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 21:30

@venusandmars yes you’re right. Sometimes I think I’m so shit at relationships. I can do some things really well, understanding, patient, caring, fun (mostly!!). But I have flaws here where I panic and worry and cause issues. I was nearly messaging him to end it when he contacted me. It’s not normal behaviour and I want to try and address it.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 21:34

@ThoseJeansAte

He’s just text, normal hi how are you, told me about his day. Feel like an idiot now.
Be careful. The trick to avoiding bad relationships is to stay away from those that make you feel critical of yourself.

You're not an idiot for feeling upset because you fell out, thought you had it sorted, and then he went silent. That makes you human, not an idiot.

I do feel he’s making a point and I didn’t think he was like that

Just because he has now spoken doesn't mean that this isn't true, or that you were a fool or wrong to feel this way. I think it would be a good idea to have some respect for your own feelings, and talk to him about how you felt when he went quiet. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic discussion, but if you say you'd been unsettled during the day and you'd have felt better if he'd been in touch, then next time you fall out, he'll know how his behaviour affects you. He'll be able to avoid hurting you.

Also, if you say 'I've been upset today because you were silent', his response will tell you things. If he says 'that's ridiculous', it's a very different relationship signpost than if he says 'Oh god, sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you - are you ok now we're talking?'

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 21:37

@TheFoundations is that needy though?

Just before I read your post I text back asking if he was free to call. So I might mention it. I am terrible at expressing my needs. I don’t really know how to do it, I always think it’s putting pressure on someone?

OP posts:
66babe · 03/07/2021 21:50

The football hasn't even finished yet .. give him space 💐

JustAnotherOldMan · 03/07/2021 21:59

England have just won 4-0, give it 10 minutes and have a call,

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 22:10

'Needy' is a myth. You (like everybody else) have your own level of needy. It is precisely the correct level of neediness for you. You being you will never be wrong, if you're in the right relationship.

X level of neediness will be received by x level of reassurance by the right partner. Other people have a or b level neediness, and will feel smothered by x level reassurance.

There is no objective correct level.

In terms of expressing needs, you can just say 'When you did x, I felt y'

Then if your partner keeps doing x even though he knows it makes you feel y, you'll be able to see whether he cares about taking care of you. You don't say 'I need you to do this or that', which would be an attempt to control. You just say how you feel, and let them be in control of whether they want to make you feel that way again.

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 22:16

@TheFoundations thanks that does make a lot of sense! I don’t know why I feel strange tonight but his messages seem different. It could just be me reading into things though after last night.

He has never displayed any game playing behaviour before and when on the phone and we had both had drinks that night, he was quite forthcoming about how he felt about me. It’s confused me a bit.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 22:24

It could just be me reading into things though after last night

You keep minimising what you're feeling. If you're reading into things, you'll have a reason for that. If something is still bothering you, it doesn't matter if it's because he's being different or because you're misinterpreting in some way. What matters is that your applecart is still upset, and, as a couple, you need to find a way to settle it.

he was quite forthcoming about how he felt about me. It’s confused me a bit

What do you mean?

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 22:32

@TheFoundations well he was quite gushing about me and him, saying he never thought he would meet someone like me, I’m the only person he’s ever spoken to for hours at a time, we click so well, he fancies me so much etc etc. And today he’s being a bit withdrawn. I’ve just text and asked him outright if he’s feeling withdrawn as that’s how it is coming across to me.

The day after he said he loved me he went very very withdrawn. We had a bit of an issue over that as it confused me and he just said he was overwhelmed by how he felt as he had never told anyone he loved them before. Quite a bit statement for a man in his early 40s!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 22:39

I’ve just text and asked him outright if he’s feeling withdrawn as that’s how it is coming across to me

That's good. Can't guess what somebody's feeling, so it's best to ask for clarification if you feel confused. It's healthy, applecart-settling behaviour.

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 22:41

@TheFoundations he just said sorry and that he didn’t mean to come across like that. And then carried on the distant messaging. Hmmm. Not what I wanted on my Saturday night!

OP posts:
xsquared · 03/07/2021 22:45

How is he being distant with his messages op? Is there a chance you may be 8verthibkibg things because of what happened the night before?
Perhaps just talk to him on the phone or in person and tell him what's bothering you as you seem to be going round in circles which is never a good sign.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 22:46

@ThoseJeansAte either call him or go to bed. You can't gauge how he's feeling via text and you're just going to work yourself up.

See him tomorrow as planned and I'm sure everything will be fine.

66babe · 03/07/2021 22:46

Perhaps he supports Ukraine ?

Only joking 🙃 don't read too much into this .. see how he is next time you see him 💐

Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 22:47

@xsquared yeah maybe it is me I’m not sure?! Just seems less enthusiastic than normal. Usually saying he’s looking forward to seeing me etc. Nothing like that tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseJeansAte · 03/07/2021 22:50

Oh god it’s all escalating now I’ve just text and said let’s leave tomorrow. Why am I shit at relationships

OP posts:
Livpool · 03/07/2021 22:52

Sorry OP but you seem to have completely overreacted. Isn't he ever allowed to have an off day?! This is all so dramatic

Emerald4512 · 03/07/2021 22:59

How did he respond?!

warmfluffytowels · 03/07/2021 23:00

Why on earth did you say that? It doesn't seem like he's done anything wrong to me!

TheFoundations · 03/07/2021 23:03

@ThoseJeansAte

Oh god it’s all escalating now I’ve just text and said let’s leave tomorrow. Why am I shit at relationships
What made you say that?

You're not shit at relationships. Something in you is responding to something valid that's happening for you emotionally. Try to work out what it is, rather than criticising yourself in a way you'd never, ever criticise someone you cared about.

Imagine if a friend was having a struggle with her emotions regarding her partner. How nasty would it be to say 'Why are you so shit at relationships?'

Cloudfrost · 03/07/2021 23:08

poor bloke...
u are the one playing mind games now
he didnt respond in a satisfactoryt way to u so u threw your toys out the pram and cancelled tomorrow...

are you always like this in relationships? if yes then maybe u need to stay alone for a while and sort your issues out. insecure attahments and microanalysing someones behavior are a recipe for failed relationships

Swipe left for the next trending thread