BDSM advice

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I seem to have found myself in a relationship where my (male) partner wants to be submissive while I take the dominant role. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this, but I should stress that he hasn't suggested anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and so far I'm enjoying spending time with him and we've had good (perfectly vanilla) sex.

I just wondered whether anyone would be willing to share some advice or insight. This is all rather new to me and I'm not sure how kinky this guy is (not especially so far, but it's early days) and how these relationships tend to pan out. Is this something people grow out of? At the moment he's like a dog with two dicks, but I imagine it will settle down a bit. I am happy with the dynamic so far but don't want this kink of his to be all our relationship is about.

It may be also worth mentioning that I definitely have an anxious attachment style and am finding the ability to call the shots quite helpful in that respect. I'm not entirely convinced he wants to be controlled and suspect that anxiety is at the root of some of this for him, too; it makes him feel safe.

Thanks for any useful thoughts people can offer.

There’s a sex topic.

Maybe have a read on fetlife, familiarise yourself before you get into anything.

If this is what he's willing to reveal in the early days of a relationship I'd be willing to bet that this is the tip of the iceberg of his sexual proclivities. Make of that what you will

@AnneLovesGilbert

There’s a sex topic.

Yes, thank you, I'm aware of that, but I'm not specifically asking about sex. I'm curious as to how these relationships play out outside the bedroom - how the dynamic pervades everyday life.

@NutellaEllaElla

If this is what he's willing to reveal in the early days of a relationship I'd be willing to bet that this is the tip of the iceberg of his sexual proclivities. Make of that what you will

Yes, this a concern, although I think part of the reason for revealing it early is so there's not too much wasted investment. In fact we initially split up after a few dates until he agreed to talk and tell me what was going in in his head.

@TheQueef

Maybe have a read on fetlife, familiarise yourself before you get into anything.

Thanks, I will.

So it’s more like 24/7 thing?

If he’s talking about this now then I’m certain it’s very important to him. If you’re not naturally feeling it then I’d advise you to cut your losses.
Read around and perhaps look at some specialist forums.
Submissive men are still men and this is about what gets his rocks off. If you’re a people pleaser, get away sooner rather than later :)

Second reading on fetlife and researching a bit. There's a difference, of course, between domination in the bedroom and a 24/7 agreement. You need to find out what's what and have some conversations about boundaries and expectations. And then decide whether you are comfortable with it.

No, it's not something he'll grow out of - fetishes and kinks are generally deeply engrained.

Unless you are excited by the ideas and want it to be a big part of your sex life, you're making a mistake getting involved.

@NutellaEllaElla

If this is what he's willing to reveal in the early days of a relationship I'd be willing to bet that this is the tip of the iceberg of his sexual proclivities. Make of that what you will

Or it feels easier discussing these kind of things when you're not properly ensconced in a relationship yet so if it is a deal breaker for the other person you're not ruining how they look at you forever after lots of emotional investment for you both.

[Similar factors here - albeit not 24/7 - being open and honest early helped us and meant we were able to figure out what felt comfortable and fun and establish it within the rest of our fledgling relationship]

Here's a glossary of terms you might find helpful OP: fetlife.com/glossary

I'm surprised he hasn't found someone into the same fetish as him, since it's so important to him. Be careful and don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing OP. There are lots of skanky types using BDSM as an excuse in order to control and abuse their partners.

Find out as much about it as you can, don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and make sure everything is agreed beforehand and consensual.

He sounds like a dreadful bore. Next!

Have you ever had any interest of your own in BDSM?

Thanks everyone, especially @AdaThorne. So far he has enjoyed me choosing his meal for him and making him slip an embarrassing word into a conversation with a friend. Things like that aren't going to faze me.

It's definitely not just for the bedroom, but not necessarily 24/7.

My exH was the same then he dumped me after 20 years of marriage which hitherto had been totally vanilla as he wanted our entire lives to be about his new found fetish kinks.
I let him go with a swift kick up the arse.

Do you enjoy it? Do you find it arousing? We know he does, what about you?

Because if not, it's going to become pretty onerous and tedious.

He also suggested we both read the same book which I thought was quite sweet and quirky.

Is there any particular dress up he likes. These things can be linked.

@category12

Do you enjoy it? Do you find it arousing? We know he does, what about you?

Because if not, it's going to become pretty onerous and tedious.

I am enjoying it, but not sure I find it a turn-on per se. And I do wonder about it becoming tedious, just as any relationship would become tedious if it was too one-dimensional.

@NeedsImprovement01

Is there any particular dress up he likes. These things can be linked.

Not that I'm aware of.

@category12

No, it's not something he'll grow out of - fetishes and kinks are generally deeply engrained.

Unless you are excited by the ideas and want it to be a big part of your sex life, you're making a mistake getting involved.

Yes that's right. I can confirm from the male perspective that fetishes are for life, I've had the same ones since my teens and I'm 62 now.

People with a real, genuine fetish can be pretty selfish in my experience. I think though the fact that he can have “normal” sex is reassuring. I might want to test that by suggesting something you would like to do, something that doesn’t play into his fetish at all, and see how willing he is. If he tries to turn it into something else, something where you are in charge, then I’d run!

I'm naturally dominant in bed but I'd find "lifestyle" BDSM would get boring very quickly.

Subs can be VERY demanding.

@Naunet

People with a real, genuine fetish can be pretty selfish in my experience. I think though the fact that he can have “normal” sex is reassuring. I might want to test that by suggesting something you would like to do, something that doesn’t play into his fetish at all, and see how willing he is. If he tries to turn it into something else, something where you are in charge, then I’d run!

Sounds like good advice. Thanks.