BDSM advice

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I seem to have found myself in a relationship where my (male) partner wants to be submissive while I take the dominant role. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this, but I should stress that he hasn't suggested anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and so far I'm enjoying spending time with him and we've had good (perfectly vanilla) sex.

I just wondered whether anyone would be willing to share some advice or insight. This is all rather new to me and I'm not sure how kinky this guy is (not especially so far, but it's early days) and how these relationships tend to pan out. Is this something people grow out of? At the moment he's like a dog with two dicks, but I imagine it will settle down a bit. I am happy with the dynamic so far but don't want this kink of his to be all our relationship is about.

It may be also worth mentioning that I definitely have an anxious attachment style and am finding the ability to call the shots quite helpful in that respect. I'm not entirely convinced he wants to be controlled and suspect that anxiety is at the root of some of this for him, too; it makes him feel safe.

Thanks for any useful thoughts people can offer.

If it's something that you're both enjoying then why not just roll with it for now? You're having vanilla sex, you're enjoying being able to call the shots a bit...sounds good to me. I agree with the idea of getting him to do something you'd like to see if he's willing.

There are various questionnaire lists on Google that can help you understand each other better

I am happy with the dynamic so far but don't want this kink of his to be all our relationship is about.

I think this may be key.

If it is literally about everything, how will this relationship ever feel like a partnership? Some people would love the idea of a partner who just sticks to their every word. It's not something I'd seek out personally. I think it sounds like it might be fun / a novelty at the beginning, almost like having an adoring companion to run around after you, but in terms of sharing a life with somebody longer term it may become hard to manage.

For example - do you want children? Would he be an equal parent totally willing to take on responsibility using his own initiative, or would he be waiting for instructions all the time? That can become absolutely exhausting - have a look at threads where mums are burned out from taking on the entire mental load of parenting and being "default parent" or "managing director of the house" all the time. It ends up feeling like your husband is an extra child - not at all sexy, and you never ever get a break because you're always on duty.

Would he be an equal helpful experienced competent voice to bounce ideas off? This is something I really value in my marriage. If I have something I'm mulling over like a career move or a house move or changing the car / kitchen or even just something like a holiday or activity for the DC! It's nice to have another adult's input that I respect and value. Not just a yes man praising all my ideas and saying they are wonderful, but someone who can challenge and offer new ideas/perspectives and help me work out what it is I actually want.

What happens when one of you gets sick, injured, pregnant, depressed, incapacitated or just plain old? These things will eventually happen in a marriage on a temporary or permanent basis, and not normally at the same time. Would he cope with that kind of dynamic shift, or would it just not work for him any more?

Of course your relationship is not this serious yet. And if you're not ready to consider any of that then there's no harm in continuing with it until you get to a point where you don't enjoy it any more. But if you are genuinely wondering if it has legs long term, I'd think about all of these things and how they might play out. I'd be very wary of any unbalanced power dynamic whichever way it leans TBH.

I think you have to be quite honest with yourself - as someone said up thread, subs can be quite demanding.. . It’s another mental load to carry and if it isn’t something you find erotic or arousing it can very easily become a chore. In my experience submissive men do become quite deeply attached; opening yourself up to someone in such a vulnerable way can be amazingly bonding but sometimes that fast forwards the emotional connection. It can be amazingly good fun with the right person tho

In my experience submissive men do become quite deeply attached; opening yourself up to someone in such a vulnerable way can be amazingly bonding but sometimes that fast forwards the emotional connection.

This is what I've found as well, and definitely something I would think about in your situation.

Sorry not helpful at all but I cant imagine anything less of a turn on than having to choose my boyfriends meals for him ..takes all sorts I guess

It sounds a total bore and a complete turn off.

So far he has enjoyed me choosing his meal for him and making him slip an embarrassing word into a conversation with a friend.

So it's all about him getting off on other people like the waiter and the friend being involved in his fetish without their consent? Yeah I think that would get wearing after a while.

Would he be an equal helpful experienced competent voice to bounce ideas off?

I had a fairly serious work situation very early on (just days after we got back together). He was absolutely amazing. Called me three times, sent various supportive messages throughout the day and was able to assimilate and analyse the situation (in a work context he's not personally familiar with) extremely perceptively. I was really impressed and felt very supported.

@Kittykat93

Sorry not helpful at all but I cant imagine anything less of a turn on than having to choose my boyfriends meals for him ..takes all sorts I guess

It was just a one-off, not an ongoing thing.

@Kinkybutkind

I think you have to be quite honest with yourself - as someone said up thread, subs can be quite demanding.. . It’s another mental load to carry and if it isn’t something you find erotic or arousing it can very easily become a chore. In my experience submissive men do become quite deeply attached; opening yourself up to someone in such a vulnerable way can be amazingly bonding but sometimes that fast forwards the emotional connection. It can be amazingly good fun with the right person tho

Thanks, that's very useful food for thought.

@SionnachRua

If it's something that you're both enjoying then why not just roll with it for now? You're having vanilla sex, you're enjoying being able to call the shots a bit...sounds good to me. I agree with the idea of getting him to do something you'd like to see if he's willing.

This is pretty much my thinking at the moment.

I would proceed with great caution. I had a very serious relationship with a guy who had a LOT of kinks, sissy namely, and I am guessing this guy of yours leans towards that behaviour too. These guys are DEMANDING. And frankly it gets dull very quickly, even if you love them. My ex could also have straight sex, and was good at it, but there was a CONSTANT pressure to ‘play’. His needs will always trump yours, and believe me (please!) that he will likely deceive you. Their need is all encompassing.

Non-consensual involvement of strangers with his fetish - not good.

Consensual involvement of an inexperienced/unsure person (you) - also not good.

Sorry, OP.

@Rothko2929

I would proceed with great caution. I had a very serious relationship with a guy who had a LOT of kinks, sissy namely, and I am guessing this guy of yours leans towards that behaviour too. These guys are DEMANDING. And frankly it gets dull very quickly, even if you love them. My ex could also have straight sex, and was good at it, but there was a CONSTANT pressure to ‘play’. His needs will always trump yours, and believe me (please!) that he will likely deceive you. Their need is all encompassing.

Yes. This ^

I’d say talk to him - and keep talking. Sounds like, so far at least, you aren’t feeling exploited or put off. You need to know how important this aspect of a relationship is to him and to use that information to make some decisions. Would you, for instance, be accepting of him getting some needs met elsewhere?

OP, I would suggest you have a very open conversation with him about the level of his interest in being submissive. In the most non-judgemental way possible.
You need to find out in his ideal scenario how often would he like to have bdsm sex, I. E. does he prefer it every time or every now and then. Don't be fooled by vanilla sex at the beginning, he might think it is necessary thing to do before he shred his bdsm preferences with you.
Most importantly you need to find out how, again in his ideal scenario, he would like to be controlled in every day life.
Once you get the answers to both questions I would carefully reassess.
There is a big difference in having a guy who likes to be spanked twice a year vs full on submissive partner who demands your domination every day

Having reflected on this I have a few words of warning. There is a huge surplus of sub men and deficit of Domme women in the BDSM scene. I worry that he has failed to find what he believes he needs from the scene, so is looking for it elsewhere. There's a slight hint of grooming here - grooming you into the Domme he wants. Starting small, fun, testing your boundaries, seeing what you will tolerate before ramping things up. I promise you: if you do not share his fetish it will get very old very quickly and is not the basis for a happy, healthy LTR.

Tbh if you're happy for now then continue it & see it til you've had enough.

Its probably not going to be your forever relationship but if your liking it at the moment then it can do wonders for your anxiety it may really help.

Its not for me but i can see the appeal

@Tempusfudgeit

Having reflected on this I have a few words of warning. There is a huge surplus of sub men and deficit of Domme women in the BDSM scene. I worry that he has failed to find what he believes he needs from the scene, so is looking for it elsewhere. There's a slight hint of grooming here - grooming you into the Domme he wants. Starting small, fun, testing your boundaries, seeing what you will tolerate before ramping things up. I promise you: if you do not share his fetish it will get very old very quickly and is not the basis for a happy, healthy LTR.

This! They are so manipulative, you’ll be love-bombed and enmeshed before you know it. They are parasitic, their need is all.

I would urge caution, it is very easy for these things to take over. The relationship ends up with a dom sub dynamic and you are stuck.

Also from a scene perspective sub men are notorious for boundary crossing and manipulation. I can think of a few situations where women have been put on the spot or manipulated into doing things they didn't want or consent to by submissive men. The man has then turned round and claimed that everything is OK, there was no consent violation, she must have wanted it because she was the top and so must have been in control.

I'd find the spilling into real life with the choosing of his meal a real turn off. Fair enough to try it out in the bedroom, but no I'd find it hard to fancy an overgrown toddler who wants you to be Mummy and make his decisions for him on an ongoing basis.

Give it a go, but I'd definitely not get too invested too quickly in this one.

@Tempusfudgeit

Having reflected on this I have a few words of warning. There is a huge surplus of sub men and deficit of Domme women in the BDSM scene. I worry that he has failed to find what he believes he needs from the scene, so is looking for it elsewhere. There's a slight hint of grooming here - grooming you into the Domme he wants. Starting small, fun, testing your boundaries, seeing what you will tolerate before ramping things up. I promise you: if you do not share his fetish it will get very old very quickly and is not the basis for a happy, healthy LTR.

Very good points. Be cautious, OP.

How do people get into and put up with this shit? Honestly, it's pathetic OP.

I just don't think I could fancy a man like this!