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BDSM advice

75 replies

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 03/07/2021 15:15

I seem to have found myself in a relationship where my (male) partner wants to be submissive while I take the dominant role. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this, but I should stress that he hasn't suggested anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and so far I'm enjoying spending time with him and we've had good (perfectly vanilla) sex.

I just wondered whether anyone would be willing to share some advice or insight. This is all rather new to me and I'm not sure how kinky this guy is (not especially so far, but it's early days) and how these relationships tend to pan out. Is this something people grow out of? At the moment he's like a dog with two dicks, but I imagine it will settle down a bit. I am happy with the dynamic so far but don't want this kink of his to be all our relationship is about.

It may be also worth mentioning that I definitely have an anxious attachment style and am finding the ability to call the shots quite helpful in that respect. I'm not entirely convinced he wants to be controlled and suspect that anxiety is at the root of some of this for him, too; it makes him feel safe.

Thanks for any useful thoughts people can offer.

OP posts:
GiantToadstool · 04/07/2021 09:22

Im concerned at the drawing of unknowing third parties into this too. It may seem a small thing now but that will grow and isn't right or healthy.

XiCi · 04/07/2021 09:59

Howdopeople get into and put up with this shit? Honestly, it's pathetic OP
I was thinking exactly this. Are people so desperate for any kind of relationship that they will tolerate shit like this.

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 10:07

@XiCi

Howdopeople get into and put up with this shit? Honestly, it's pathetic OP I was thinking exactly this. Are people so desperate for any kind of relationship that they will tolerate shit like this.
Yes exactly. The op doesn't seem particularly into this. I'm fact, in fact I'm going to bet that before she met him, being a domme never entered her head.
Mummytoonlychild · 04/07/2021 11:04

please seriously looking into fetlife. The lifestyle is not for everyone and fetlife is great for information it is a very welcoming informing site as long as you don't bash the lifestyle and from your replys it doesn't sound like have ever thought of being domme. The most important thing about BDSM is knowledge and consent

rookiemere · 04/07/2021 11:13

Isn't there great money to be made out of being a professional domme ? Wouldn't want to be giving it away for free especially if it isn't your thing.

Grimsknee · 04/07/2021 11:17

I would find this a massive turnoff but if I decided to go on with it i would explore being dominant on MY terms. Nope, not ordering your dinner. Off you go and clean the toilet, wash the dishes, order the groceries, put away the clean washing, then I'll consider your request.

Cherryana · 04/07/2021 11:26

Why would you want to go out with a man who wants you to choose his dinner?

And that is just the start of it.
Responsibility taking is key for a long term happy relationship. You are not there to serve someone’s distorted world view. You want and deserve a relationship with some who matches your values and intelligence. Not some leach.

Magenta82 · 04/07/2021 11:31

@rookiemere

Isn't there great money to be made out of being a professional domme ? Wouldn't want to be giving it away for free especially if it isn't your thing.

Fair point
Might as well get something out of it!

dementedma · 04/07/2021 17:45

Harsh to say it's pathetic if people are consenting and enjoy it. Each to their own you know

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 05/07/2021 12:54

@GiantToadstool

Im concerned at the drawing of unknowing third parties into this too. It may seem a small thing now but that will grow and isn't right or healthy.
That is a very fair point and I will keep that in mind.
OP posts:
LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 05/07/2021 12:57

Why would you want to go out with a man who wants you to choose his dinner?

He doesn't. I did it once as a light-hearted "punishment". It hasn't been repeated and he definitely doesn't want me to make all his decisions for him.

OP posts:
me4real · 05/07/2021 13:15

So far he has enjoyed me choosing his meal for him and making him slip an embarrassing word into a conversation with a friend. Things like that aren't going to faze me.

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour What about what you personally want rather than are willing to tolerate to please or keep a partner OP?

I would make it clear to him you're not overly into this and don't want it to become a big thing, or do it very often, or however you feel about it, let him know. And for sure don't do it if/when it gets boring or a turn off. People pleasing can lead to some very sticky situations.

How do you feel about submissive men?

I 100% understand what it's like to want to please people to keep them. But there are plenty of men in this world and relationships are overrated anyway.

You can always keep him as a friend if you get on.

category12 · 05/07/2021 13:36

@rookiemere

Isn't there great money to be made out of being a professional domme ? Wouldn't want to be giving it away for free especially if it isn't your thing.
Not really. Or certainly the ones I know don't seem to be raking it in.

They make a living, but I wouldn't say it's great money. Plus clients expect equipment, outfits and preferably a "dungeon" to play in.

Plus it's not as easy as people think. If you're paying a pro you expect a certain level of skill (such as being able to do complex bondage, sounding, needles or whipping) and there's lots of kinks to cater to. (Some pretty grim.) It's not as simple as "grab a stick and call me Mumsy". Or certainly not if you want repeat custom.

Exiledmancguy · 05/07/2021 14:52

Some of the responses have been really harsh, still seems a lot of stigma involved when the guy is the one who wants to be dominated. From the OP's comments it looks like the relationship is going well and (so far) she's enjoying the sub/Dom link he has with positive effects on her attachment anxiety. This guy has also opened up early to what he likes, so good communication going on there.

If it starts to completely take over the sex life and relationship as whole and ceases to be enjoyable for her though then maybe worth reconsidering.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 05/07/2021 16:30

@Exiledmancguy

Some of the responses have been really harsh, still seems a lot of stigma involved when the guy is the one who wants to be dominated. From the OP's comments it looks like the relationship is going well and (so far) she's enjoying the sub/Dom link he has with positive effects on her attachment anxiety. This guy has also opened up early to what he likes, so good communication going on there.

If it starts to completely take over the sex life and relationship as whole and ceases to be enjoyable for her though then maybe worth reconsidering.

Thanks; I think that's all fair. I need to separate what I'm not prepared to entertain, things I'm happy to do just because he wants me to, things that I maybe hadn't considered but which I'm fine with, and things I'd want/enjoy in any relationship (for example I told him I'd like a message from him first thing in the morning which he generally does).

So far I don't feel it's taking over everything at all. He's also talked about the Domme/sub dynamic not being appropriate in certain situations which I entirely agree with.

OP posts:
LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 05/07/2021 16:34

How do you feel about submissive men?

I don't actually find him particularly submissive, ironically. I did date one man who was, "unofficially" and that was a turn-off, but he was totally different to this guy.

OP posts:
ExhaustedFlamingo · 06/07/2021 03:28

You say that you haven't found him to be particularly submissive so far - in which case I think there's a lot more to be revealed. He's told you who he is and what he wants - believe him.

As you said yourself, this isn't just a sexual kink, it's a lifestyle for him. I've seen close up these types of relationships and the sub/dom element is all pervasive. It might not seem to be now, but I strongly suspect this will gradually become the case - possibly so gradually that you'll barely even register the creeping growth.

If it's your thing, then crack on and have fun - but please do check out fetlife and make sure you understand what you're getting involved with. It's not fair to him if you suddenly get cold feet. It may well help with anxiety but being a domme is a big responsibility that can be wearing. You won't be able to just revert to a vanilla relationship when/if you get sick of it.

In my experience, you're either genuinely into it yourself or it won't work.

Wormholes · 06/07/2021 03:49

Sub men are as domineering as any other men, OP.

It's still all about their orgasm, not yours.

GlamGiraffe · 06/07/2021 04:05

Yes that's right. I can confirm from the male perspective that fetishes are for life, I've had the same ones since my teens and I'm 62 now.

I absolutley disagree. My husband was a complete fetishist before i met him, heavily involved in the BDSM scene for many years.
I have zero interest and after giving it a try decided it just wasnt a thing. We went on to have an incredible vanilla sex life with no hint of anything s&m. Just the standard mucking about games (sriptease etc). I woul say for some men if they find it does nothing for you thetes nothing on it for you theres no turn on for them. They get off on you being turned on.
Its knowledgable BDSM people are often submissives before they become masters so bear that in mind. These are questions to ask.
What about it turns hin on and does he se him self beung submissive forever?

YeokensYegg · 06/07/2021 07:12

Sounds boring and self-absorbed.

You've never been into this so why entertain it now? He seems to be pushing your boundaries little by little.

There are millions of other guys out there who want to have a normal adult relationship.

Tell him to see a therapist.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2021 07:26

@GiantToadstool

Im concerned at the drawing of unknowing third parties into this too. It may seem a small thing now but that will grow and isn't right or healthy.
It reminds me of the trans widow threads tbh.
category12 · 06/07/2021 08:13

@GlamGiraffe

Yes that's right. I can confirm from the male perspective that fetishes are for life, I've had the same ones since my teens and I'm 62 now.

I absolutley disagree. My husband was a complete fetishist before i met him, heavily involved in the BDSM scene for many years.
I have zero interest and after giving it a try decided it just wasnt a thing. We went on to have an incredible vanilla sex life with no hint of anything s&m. Just the standard mucking about games (sriptease etc). I woul say for some men if they find it does nothing for you thetes nothing on it for you theres no turn on for them. They get off on you being turned on.
Its knowledgable BDSM people are often submissives before they become masters so bear that in mind. These are questions to ask.
What about it turns hin on and does he se him self beung submissive forever?

I would think your experience is the exception rather than the norm.

Also, I don't think anyone should enter a relationship expecting the other person to change or give something up to be with them. Because a lot of the time they fail after a while, and they resent giving whatever up, while the other person feels betrayed and let down.

EarthSight · 06/07/2021 09:26

Is this something people grow out of?

No. It's unlikely anyway. If it's a very recent thing for him where he just wants to experiment, then maybe, but if he's always been like this then it's likely he'll always be that way. Sexual fetishes and fantasies are really ingrained. I don't think it's unusual that when men can't get this need in a relationship they will pay a woman to do it to them, especially if they have a strong need for it. If it is a very strong need, which you may not find out about until later, then yes, a lot of your sex life might be dominated by his fantasy and he will get more and more bored with 'vanilla' which is what he might be ok putting up with at the start of the relationship, mainly to please you. They might eventually find any sex that does not involve BDSM to be boring and unfullfullfilling, after the spark has worn off, and you will be left with enacting things that do nothing for you sexually. Sex will involve a lot of acting for you, and I don't think that acting will be something he'll be happy with longterm because he knows it's not real.

People will have different reasons why they're into BDSM, but an often ignored component is misogyny and sexism which they've absorbed in their upbringing or society. Part of the reason why men like a woman dominating them is because they're into humiliation....and they can think of nothing more utterly humiliating than being dominated by a woman . For them, it's against the natural order of things which involves men being dominant over a woman, and not something a male should naturally aspire to, as women are of a lower status. Not good.

me choosing his meal for him and making him slip an embarrassing word into a conversation with a friend. Things like that aren't going to faze me

Right, so it's already started to leak into 'real life'. I really wish the best for you, but it wouldn't surprise me if this continues to grow. His sexual kinks should not be starting to influence what you do out of the bedroom especially if you are not that way inclined, but they already are. It may not faze you now, but it blurres the boundaries between fantasy and reality and that's exactly what men who are heavily into this stuff want. They don't just want a situation where they're dominated inside the bedroom or house - they want to have a relationship where they entire relationship revolves around their turn-on and he might become displeased if you don't agree to play his games with him. I might be getting my terms mixed up here, but I believe that people call this dominating from the bottom, or something like that. It's a situation where you are led to believe you think you are in control of all of this, that it's something that benefits you, whereas it's the 'bottom' (submissive) who's actually calling all the shots, often because they're in a relationship that is not suited to their needs.

I know I paint a bleak picture here and I hope I'm wrong about all this, but you really need to sit yourself down and ask yourself if you will be entertained or happy to pick out his meal for him in a few years' time? Is that the kind of relationship you really want?? Confused

EarthSight · 06/07/2021 09:34

@GlamGiraffe

Yes that's right. I can confirm from the male perspective that fetishes are for life, I've had the same ones since my teens and I'm 62 now.

I absolutley disagree. My husband was a complete fetishist before i met him, heavily involved in the BDSM scene for many years.
I have zero interest and after giving it a try decided it just wasnt a thing. We went on to have an incredible vanilla sex life with no hint of anything s&m. Just the standard mucking about games (sriptease etc). I woul say for some men if they find it does nothing for you thetes nothing on it for you theres no turn on for them. They get off on you being turned on.
Its knowledgable BDSM people are often submissives before they become masters so bear that in mind. These are questions to ask.
What about it turns hin on and does he se him self beung submissive forever?

@GlamGiraffe I wish for your sake that you're right but I'm sorry, I don't think you are. The likelyhood of your husband being that heavily involved in BDSM and fetish and then giving it up after meeting you is pretty slim. How old was he when he met you? A lot of men into that scene resign themselves to the fact that they will never find a partner who's onto the same things are they are and will settle down, only to continue this clandestine life without their partner's knowledge.

The fact that you said 'they get off on you being turned on' makes me think that you're really naive and not knowledgeable of that world. Your husband might be like that maybe, but people who have deeply ingrained fetishes, which they often are, are often pretty self absorbed in their arousal. It's not about being generous to another person. That's a very rosy view of it.

EarthSight · 06/07/2021 09:43

@Exiledmancguy

Some of the responses have been really harsh, still seems a lot of stigma involved when the guy is the one who wants to be dominated. From the OP's comments it looks like the relationship is going well and (so far) she's enjoying the sub/Dom link he has with positive effects on her attachment anxiety. This guy has also opened up early to what he likes, so good communication going on there.

If it starts to completely take over the sex life and relationship as whole and ceases to be enjoyable for her though then maybe worth reconsidering.

@exiledmancguy I understand why you may have been given that impression. I think society does accept the dominant man more, but in the past I have warned a few women on here about men who enjoy domination. It's a red flag to me, particularly if it's quite pronounced, and not a good sign of character.
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