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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband on swingers site denying it

85 replies

Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 07:53

Found my husband has been on a fabswingers site searching for people! He denied Everything then I found a photo of his anatomy in his phone files that is clearly from the same site in Dec 2020
He swears on the children’s lives he hasn’t been in the site ! He will not tell me the truth despite the evidence on his computer and phone 😢 he is a wonderful husband but I don’t know what to do as I feel betrayed and scared that I don’t know this man. Please help me as I don’t know what to do

OP posts:

blissfulllife · 03/07/2021 09:05

@Scattylady2

Is there any way he could not be on the site and was just looking at porn ? He admits looking at porn but not to being on the site

Oh they always say that. Just curious, just looking for pics/open. If he wanted porn he didn't need to access a swingers site. Porns everywhere online. But he actively searched a swingers site, registered, posted a pic of his anatomy am I right?. He's minimising

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 03/07/2021 09:07

He is not a ‘wonderful husband’ - he lies and is trying to say you leaving will be down to you - not his behaviour.

‘and unable to tell anyone or our relationship will definitely be over’

Your relationship is already over.

If you don’t have trust and honesty is you have nowt.

Sorry

PeridotPenelope · 03/07/2021 09:18

@blissfulllife

I've been in a similar situation in the past and I just told the person that I knew he was lying and I was actually embarrassed for them at their attempts at lying to cover their arse. That if they were truthful then we'd have a better chance of working through it. Then walked away and left them to think about that. Went to stay with a relative for a few days.

This.

layladomino · 03/07/2021 09:44

You know him and you know he's lying. You've seen the evidence with your own eyes. Don't forget that. There is no innocent reason for what he did. He is now compunding the insult by lying to you and treating you as though you are stupid. He's doing that because he knows it's the only way he gets to keep his home / homelife. By convincing you you're imagining things.

Remember that he knows he is lying. He is doing it intentionally. He is doing it for his own benefit.

The swingers sites / the lies / the treating you as though you're stupid - is that a wonderful husband?

So sorry this must be so hard. But please don't let him trick you i to accepting this. You won't ever trust him again as you KNOW the truth. And you won't respect him again as you know he doesn't respect you.

Take care of you and your DC. You deserve much better than he can (or wants) to give.

MadeForThis · 03/07/2021 10:10

He thinks that if he lies for long enough you will back down because you are scared of ending the relationship.

Realistically all you are doing is giving him a green light to continue.

Why are you not demanding access to his new phone?

Actually I probably wouldn't bother. Just end the relationship. You know what he was doing.

ShirleyDab · 03/07/2021 10:22

Looking at it from his pov it's in his interests to lie. If he tells the truth the whole pack of cards that is his life comes crashing down and leaves him with nowhere to go.

You've seen the truth for yourself, op. The thing now is what do you want to do about it.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/07/2021 10:48

My ex was similar. Fir me there was no going back. In spite of incontrovertible evidence he still denied it but I knew the truth so it didn't matter

SortingItOut · 03/07/2021 11:23

He is denying it and has deleted the evidence so he doesn't have to confront the problem.

The longer this goes on the more you'll doubt yourself and wonder if you definitely found what you did and then eventually everything will go back to normal for him.

Its called gaslighting.

Fab is a casual sex site, you can live cam with people (watch them having sex or masturbating) and watch videos etc but most men would go on pornhub or such like for porn.

He is never going to admit this, my ex husband denied his emotional cheating despite me seeing the messages, he would delete everything and smash his phone up and still deny it all.

Until the next time and then he would admit the previous time but deny the current time.
Its gaslighting. I stayed for 17yrs as he threatened to kill himself but eventually left 3yrs ago.

I've been on Fab for a while, its full of married men.

You know he was on there, you know he had a photo on there, what more proof do you need? You can end your marriage at any time for any reason.
You don't need him to admit to anything.

What do you want to do?
What kind of husband is he generally?

SortingItOut · 03/07/2021 11:25

How long have you been married?
Whats your work and financial situation?
What is his?

Could you leave and rent somewhere else and force the sale of the house so you can buy somewhere on your own?

MumOf21 · 03/07/2021 11:25

My Ex husband belonged to a group at his workplace many years ago that shared porn material, mags, films etc and arranged the odd night out stag do to a strip club. It started to get worse than that though, he brought home a copy of the 1980s book The Sandstone Project, dubbed the Cook book of Sex, and expected me to attend a couple of the ‘project nights’ with him, aka Swingers Parties. I refused, but that was the start of the breakdown of our Marriage, followed by a further string of 4 broken down marriages for him and his swinging wives, and a remarriage for me to a wonderful man who l have now been happy with for over 30years.

GrumpyTerrier · 03/07/2021 11:30

I just need the truth as will never be able to trust him again would anyone forgive him if he doesn’t tell the truth

You already know the truth, whether he admits it or not.

Sorry this is happening. Can you take some time away from him to let your head settle abit.

Srae · 03/07/2021 11:31

I have been through this just 5 weeks ago, I found proof of extra ‘dating’ sites by looking through his App Store. Even the deleted ones come up if you search in the ‘not on this iPhone’ folder.

May be extra proof you need. I’m so sorry you are going through this too. The hardest part is feeling like you have lived with a stranger.

Srae · 03/07/2021 11:33

Oops forgot to mention, if he has an IPhone that is!

EL8888 · 03/07/2021 11:34

His denials are a red herring. You know what you have seen and so what if he deleted or hid himself. You don’t need to find him on it again. You need to decide if you want to stay with a lying and philanderer / attempting philanderer. Personally l wouldn’t and couldn’t. A trip to the GUM wouldn’t go amiss either

Original poster

Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 12:58

Thank you for all your support x I am so scared of the future and breaking up our life, I can’t eat , sleep or doing anything but think about this

OP posts:

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 13:01

Pretending to believe him could be a successful strategy, it could enable you to find out what's really going on etc however ....difficult to pull off when you're distraught and dealing with this bomb going off in your life!

Original poster

Scattylady2 · 03/07/2021 13:02

He’s a good husband and father a man I would have trusted with my life he says he was never on the site and can’t or won’t adit it or explain it x I am not strong enough to leave my home but won’t be able to afford to stay here on my own 😢

OP posts:

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 13:06

He’s a good husband and father yes, he dutifully does the right thing at home and then he rewards himself by going on a swingers site
Kinda like....every time he does a nice thing at home he puts a star on his internal star chart and when he gets 5 stars he goes and has sex with another woman.
His secret hobby is the way that he compensates himself for doing the hard work of being a good husband and father.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 03/07/2021 13:07

What’s your end game here?

If you don’t intend to leave, it doesn’t really matter if he admits it or not… you both know that he’s on the site. You both know that he’s likely to stay on it. There’s nothing for him to explain.

If you do want to leave, you know everything that you need to know about what he’s done, and any explanation from him is likely to make you feel worse rather than better. In that case you’d be better off focusing on where you go from here, and what you’d be entitled to.

Either way, the life that you had is over, the vast, vast majority of people wouldn’t be able to forget this enough to carry on as you were.

Have you got a friend or family member to talk to about this? Some real life support will be invaluable.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 13:09

He said "if you don't love me enough to say I cant make you" when he doesn't even respect you enough to tell you the truth?

I'd ask him to pack his bags and live elsewhere. Respect is everything and if he's emotionally blackmailing and gaslighting you there clearly is none.

Imjustsootired · 03/07/2021 13:09

Oh god.

Identical situation, 2 years ago. I found so much in his internet history. He denied everything despite it being there in black and white !!! "No idea how that got there' was his stock answer.

It nearly killed me. 12 months of the most intense pain and shock I have ever felt.

I couldn't leave. I'm still here. He thinks it's all fine. It isn't. I've never forgotten or forgiven and it destroyed our 18 year relationship.

Be stronger than me. If you stay, get ready for a life of misery, mistrust, nausea, suspicion.... it's not pretty and it's hard hard work.

I'm so sorry xxxx

dottiedodah · 03/07/2021 13:24

Scattylady2 Dont worry no one can see your Email address on here! I would make an appointment with a Solicitor ,and run through options if you can . Try and take a few deep breaths and think over everything first .You have done nothing wrong here at all .Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

username18702 · 03/07/2021 13:30

@Scattylady2

Why would he still be denying it I just need the truth as will never be able to trust him again would anyone forgive him if he doesn’t tell the truth

Because people lie ffs. He is panicking because you are threatening to leave him and drag his children into this, so he's lying. If he was honest he'd have said, 'By the way I'm sending pictures of my dick to strangers on fabswingers honey.' He's obviously a liar OP.

You already have evidence so what is the point of trying to interrogate the truth out of him? He's been on a swinging site OP, he's obviously not going to tell you the truth, so you need to decide what you want to do from here and don't drag your children into this mess either.

dottiedodah · 03/07/2021 13:34

Also dont put pressure on yourself re leaving,staying and so on .You have had a frightful shock ,and cant think straight ATM. Get a cup of tea ,and take an hour with your thoughts .They say you never really know someone and thats the truth .Many men give the appearance of being loving husbands and fathers ,but a great deal of them are "chained to a lunatic" as Kingsley Amis said of his sex drive! This is not an excuse as usually they would grow up and not need to "swing" if they value their wives and families .Do you have a RL friend you can trust at all .Remember no big decisions yet you need to take stock ,Sending hugs xxx

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 13:35

Continuing to deny the obvious is a strategy designed to cause you stress and mental confusion so that you can't think clearly, it buys him time and allows him an opportunity to get in control of things

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